


Therapy

by sunflower1343



Series: Therapy [1]
Category: Finder no Hyouteki | Finder Series
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-10
Updated: 2016-08-25
Packaged: 2018-07-14 07:07:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 67,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7158908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflower1343/pseuds/sunflower1343
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things take a left turn from Naked Truth arc when the boys are ordered to get some therapy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Not all chapters in this are explicit, but a couple are hence the rating. 
> 
> This is the only really long fiction I've written (I think it's 65k words?), and I when I got done I felt there were a lot more stories to tell within that universe. Which is why the main part of this story, the 15 chapters in this fic, though a complete story, are really only the end of Part 1. Part 2 is told in the form of many short story extras which run the gamut from serious to crack but which make an overall arc. This main fic was written between June and September 2005. The follow-up stories were written after that up until last year. And I may always add to those.
> 
> Setup: This takes place in a Naked Truth where no one goes to Hong Kong. Instead they keep fighting in Tokyo until a violent altercation in public that's alluded to and the three of them get arrested. For the prologue, I know the legal system in Japan doesn't quite work this way. But hey, it happens on TV like this all the time...
> 
> People often have misconceptions going into this, especially about Hamada, the therapist. I'll just say he's probably not like you think from first impressions. He exists so I could have an outside point of view, but because of Asami, Feilong, and especially Takaba he gets pulled into the story as much as they. He's based on therapists I've had or known, mostly good but some bad, with some extra bits added because I wanted a human and not just a plot device.
> 
> ~~~~~~~~~~~

Prologue

 

"Will the defendants please rise?"

There was a shuffling of chairs as they stood.

"This court hereby finds the defendants guilty on all counts. Sentence is remanded to six months probation, during which all parties will seek psychiatric counseling for as long as the court appointed psychiatrist deems necessary."

The judge looked sternly over the top of her glasses.

"And you _will_ attend counseling sessions, gentlemen, or you _will_ be back here facing a much less lenient sentence."

"Court adjourned."

Feilong turned to the representative sent by the Chinese consulate, grabbed his arm and dragged him aside. "Why am I having to put up with this? The reason we pay you so much money every year is so that we can avoid problems like this."

"I'm sorry, Liu-laoban. It wouldn't have been a problem if it hadn't taken place in front of so many people. But if we were to hush it up now, there would be serious repercussions. Surely you understand our position. If we undermine ourselves over such a minor matter, then we won't have the power to change more important events in the future. Surely a six-month period isn't so much time. Businesses these days can be run by the phone and internet. You'll still be a strong presence in Hong Kong even though you're residing briefly in Tokyo. And this will be a good opportunity for you to extend the connections you made here, yes? I would request that you stay and not aggravate the police, if only to keep the authorities from continuing the investigations into your businesses."

Feilong was still fuming, but he didn't want to have to deal with the Japanese police any more than necessary.

"This is ridiculous. That I should have to sit and talk to some man about my _feelings_." He sneered. "What does a man behind a desk know about someone like me? I should just kill him and be done with it."

"Please don't even –"

"I was joking of course. Probably. Very well. I'll go. But I expect a great deal from you in return in the future."

The other man quickly left.

" _Counseling!_ " Feilong practically spit the word.

Takaba overheard this as he was stomping out of the courtroom, disgusted that he'd even been involved in the mess.

"Yeah, counseling, because if anyone needs it you do, you long-haired freak! With Asami a close second!"

"I think _you_ need some therapy as well, Takaba. Physical therapy. And I'll administer it the next time you come within arms length of me." His eyes grew slightly wild, and Takaba, remembering the last time he'd seen them like that, backed away. Into Asami. Whose arm went around his waist.

"Bothering my property again, Feilong? I'll be more than happy to continue what we started, but why don't we do it elsewhere? Neither of us needs any more bad publicity."

Feilong gave a brief nod. "Very well. Why don't we wait until things have calmed down a little as well? They'll be watching us for a while."

"Agreed."

Takaba snorted a laugh and pulled away from Asami. "Yeah, why don't you both wait until you've had some anger management classes, then you can resolve your differences by making a quilt together." He ran off laughing before either man could say a thing.

The other two men stared after him for a moment, then each went their own way.

 

 

Chapter 1:

 

Kurata looked up as she heard her boss arriving back from lunch. She quickly straightened her hair and clothing, and checked her makeup in the mirror along the wall to the left. She was 26 and single, and Hamada-sensei was just what she was looking for. Young, charming, ambitious, handsome, and most importantly, with an excellent future ahead of him if all those diplomas were for real.

Hamada stepped into the office. Her eyes ran over his figure in appreciation. Tall, slender, dark brown hair, green eyes betraying his mixed ancestry, physically he was perfect. Her eyes took in the tailored suit with approval as well. It spoke of money.

"Good afternoon sensei!" She said with her brightest smile. 

He smiled pleasantly. "Good afternoon Kurata-san. Any messages?"

"No sir." 

She wanted a date with him, and he had been ignoring all her attempts. 

"Um, it's a lovely day though, isn't it? It would be a nice day to have dinner in a café after work, don't you think? I know a lovely place."

He looked amused. "Then you should do that. Call a friend and meet them there. You may even leave a little early if you want. I should be fine here, once my last patient arrives." He smiled and continued on into his office.

Kurata sighed. Maybe it was time to give up on him, good catch or not.

 

\--

 

Hamada really regretted hiring her. She was obviously hunting for a husband, and a single doctor was a perfect target. He wondered if he should tell her he was gay. Probably not a good idea. The Japanese weren't as accepting as his American counterparts and it could damage his career. For now he'd ignore Kurata and hope she got the message, until he could find a nice old married lady to take her place. Or maybe a male secretary...

He pushed that thought to the back of his mind, and concentrated on the job at hand. One more patient for the day.

One thing he'd never realized when he entered psychiatric training was how boring some of the work was. He liked fixing people, of course. The mind could be endlessly fascinating when it was troubled. Much more so than the muscles and bones he'd had to study in anatomy classes. But often a psychiatrist's work didn't seem to be much more than holding patients' hands.

He was naturally drawn to it over other medical specialties. It was cleaner, the office hours were better, and most importantly, it was varied. It wasn't just colds and hangnails. Every mind was different. He thought he'd never get bored. But so many of his clients could easily cure themselves by just talking to their friends and family on occasion. They presented no challenge. It was the reason he had started taking on criminal cases. They were so much more interesting.

He ran a hand through his hair, then realized he'd messed it up. He turned back to his desk with a sigh and sat down, pulling out a small mirror and comb, fixing his appearance. He gazed at himself a minute. Dark hair, cut short and fashionably, stray strands across his forehead. Dark green eyes, the only legacy he had from his Irish-American grandmother. The slightly exotic skin coloring that those of mixed blood had. He vainly categorized himself as hot, then he laughed at his arrogance, put the mirror away, and got back to work.

His next patient was one of the three men who each had a folder sitting on the desk before him. He'd read about the case in the papers. It had immediately intrigued him. The details had been sketchy. But even from the news he could tell there was more to it than a simple argument turned violent. 

Their files hadn't helped clear anything up though. Details on two of the men had been sparse, almost non-existent. The file on the youngest read like that of most overactive young men-- slight run-ins with the law, but an eventual settling down to a profession which, while it didn't always pay well, at least allowed him to support himself and perhaps gave him an outlet for all his energy.

He again opened the file of the man he was to see first. Liu Feilong. Chinese, from Hong Kong. 28 years old. From an extremely wealthy family. The police appeared interested in his activities, and had several times opened investigations of the family export business he was a part of, but the investigations never came to anything.

He picked up the mug shot that he'd examined several times before. The man was stunning, even under such circumstances. He couldn't wait to see him in person. Hamada had an interest that had no place in a professional setting. He had taken the case because it sounded like a challenge, but the appearance of the three men involved didn't hurt. He was honest enough to admit that sex was his biggest weakness, though Inouye-sensei would have told him it was less a weakness than the arrogance his lack of failures had given him. 

Hamada laughed to himself. He knew logically he might fail at his work someday. After all, he was only into his second year of practice. But he was very good at what he did and it hadn't happened yet, and until it did, failure wasn't a possibility he considered. He had no idea that the coming weeks were about to change his considerations completely.

 

There was a knock at the door. He smiled and stood up to greet his patient. "Come in."

The man who walked in was to the mug shot like fresh blossoms were to week-old stems. For a moment, Hamada forgot how to breathe. He gave himself a mental shake and gestured politely at the chairs in one corner of the room. 

He didn't like the traditional image of the couch. He found that his patients associated it with too many mental games, and they also felt like it was proof they were mentally ill. So he had dispensed with that and bought a recliner. Just as comfortable, and it made most of the people relax, seeing something so homey and unexpected in such a situation. 

He preferred the traditional straight-backed armchair across from it. It was better for his posture, and helped to keep him awake during some of his less interesting sessions.

There was a small table, between the chairs but set to the side, holding a lamp and a tea tray with fresh tea. He had installed a small sink and kitchen area in the office, because he liked to be able to provide such things as tea and cookies. They also helped to reduce the stress of encounters.

Liu was sitting in the recliner, looking stiff and uncomfortable, like a model in off-brand clothing. Hamada smiled to himself. It was probably the first time the man had sat in such a middle class standard. He belonged in a far more exotic setting.

He sat down across from him. "Good afternoon, Liu-san. Please help yourself to the tea." He gestured at the table, pouring a cup for himself. 

"Did I say your name correctly? Liu Feilong? Please correct me if I did not. You are from Hong Kong, are you not? I haven't visited there in years."

There was no response. Liu did not look pleased to be there. He didn't blame him, but Hamada decided to treat it the way he would treat stubborn children, and ignored it for now.

"Well, it's nice to meet you Liu-san. I'm Hamada Makoto. We're going to be spending a great deal of time together for the next few months, so I thought I would start by telling you a little bit about myself."

There was still no response. Stubborn. Hamada was amused. He decided to bore the man into talking. He knew how to bore. He'd attended schools for over 20 years.

"I grew up here in Tokyo and attended Todai-- that is, Tokyo University-- but for medical training I went to the United States where I attended the Yale School of Medicine, after which I completed my psychiatric residency through Yale also. There I specialized in the mental disorders particularly associated with –"

"There's really no need for me to be here, other than to satisfy the judge's ruling. You should just make it easy on yourself. Sign me off as having completed any necessary requirements. I have work to take care of back in Hong Kong. I'm a busy man. You're a busy man. I have a young child under my care who is already missing me terribly, as I miss him. You may even continue to bill the sessions if you wish. I, of course, won't mention it. And such a considerate man would obviously be well-compensated for such thoughtfulness by my associates back in China."

Liu smiled slightly.

Hamada sat back and crossed his legs, observing the man before him. This was not completely unexpected. As a psychiatrist who had taken on court cases before, he'd received any number of bribe offers, though none so elegantly put as this. He'd even considered taking some of them when the 'patient' was clearly not the least bit ill, though he never had. But he wanted to spend more time with this man, so it wasn't an option he considered.

"It may well be true, Liu-san, that you don't require counseling. But since we have some time today and you're already here, why don't we discuss things, if only to make that very point?"

Liu shrugged. "Why not? I'm a reasonable man. What would you like to discuss?"

"Anything you'd like. Do you mind if I take notes? It will make this seem more official. This is just a session to get acquainted, but if you have any problems you'd like to bring up…?"

Liu's lip curled. "Take any notes you wish. I have no _problems_."

Hamada laughed softly. None of his court patients did. He'd hoped for a little more variation from this man. "A man is blessed who can say that, Liu-san. But surely you have one problem? You're sitting here with me when you want to be elsewhere?"

Liu's lips twitched. "I should say, I have no problems that require your services."

Hamada watched Liu's lips, and smiled at the evidence of the man's humor. And at the lips themselves. "Then perhaps we can just chat for a while. Do you come to Tokyo frequently?"

Liu relaxed in his chair and sipped his tea, grimacing slightly at its flavor. "Every so often. I have business connections that require my presence on occasion."

"Ah, yes, your business. I believe you're in the export business? What is your position?"

Liu was startled. "I own it."

"What? You own your own business at such a young age? That's quite an accomplishment. I'm a couple years older than you, but just starting my practice. I feel like an amateur now." He kicked himself for fishing for compliments, but the man just drew it out of him.

Liu shrugged. "I was raised to the business from a young age, whereas you couldn't start your training until you became an adult."

"That's true. Maybe I'm not so hopeless then." He smiled. 

Liu looked at him skeptically. "Maybe."

Hamada snorted softly. He was very drawn to this man's aloof beauty, and the dry sense of humor was just making it worse.

"So your childhood was filled with business training. That seems a boring thing for a young boy to have to learn. I can't imagine being able to sit through such things."

"It wasn't so bad. There are many skills useful in the business world, so my education had variation. I even learned some psychology."

Hamada laughed lightly again. "Am I doing my job well, Liu-san? What should I be asking?" He couldn't help flirting, though it seemed to have no effect.

"To be honest, I expected you'd start asking about my childhood, simply because it's a cliché. You're not too far from that now. "

"Hn. Well, I'd hate to disappoint you. Would you tell me something about your family? I admit I'm curious about the people who raised you."

Liu ‘s breath stopped for a moment, then he sighed, resigned to it. He shifted in his chair. 

Hamada took note of his discomfort, and waited with interest to hear the response.

"I had a brother who looked after me. A father who adopted and cared for me. They were the ones who taught me the skills I'd need to survive."

Hamada had been making notes, but he stopped at hearing that. That was an interesting choice of words. As if his family members were warriors, not businessmen. His appearance did seem to favor warriors of old. While he was dressed very fashionably, Hamada couldn't help imagining him in ancient court dress. He shook himself from his fantasy.

"Yes, succeeding in the business world is certainly like survival."

"Isn't it." Liu's voice was dry.

Hamada's eyes narrowed. What was the subtext he was missing? "And you've evidently done well. Did you get along with your brother and father?"

Liu shrugged. "We had fights of course, what family doesn't?"

"Indeed. I'd worry if you _failed_ to admit that you had them." They shared a small smile.

Hamada kept digging. He hadn't been able to find out anything about the family from the courts. "Do you still get along with them? Are they still active in the business?"

Liu froze.

_Ah._ "Liu-san?"

"I apologize. You brought back a tragic memory. Unfortunately I lost both of them eight years ago."

Hamada leaned forward, concern on his face, his senses alert. "Both? At the same time? I'm so very sorry. May I ask what happened?"

Liu hesitated. "They were … killed….in our home. By an intruder."

Well, there it was. Possible psychological trauma, survival guilt, possibly even PTSD depending on circumstances. Hamada kept pushing, trying to get more information. Then he'd see if he fell into line with the symptoms.

"I'm very sorry to hear that. It must have been devastating for you. May I ask what happened?"

Liu's eyes had lost focus, and his breathing seemed a little fast. He remained silent. 

"Liu-san?"

Liu blinked. "I'm sorry. I wasn't paying attention. That was unforgivably rude. You asked me something?"

Hamada tried changing direction. It didn't look like he'd get at it through straightforward questions.

"How were you able to handle such a thing when you were so young?"

Liu relaxed slightly.

"It was a tragedy but I did what I had to, which was to move on and continue the family business. It's what they would have wished."

Hamada was even more sure of it now. He'd bet the man had never even considered therapy as an option. All of that was probably still bottled up inside, waiting for a chance to blow. "Yes, of course they would have wished that. Did you seek therapy at the time?"

"As I said, work was my therapy."

As he suspected. He probably repressed all his violent emotions about it, then. Anger at the situation, kept inside, until something tore them loose a couple of months ago in that incident with the other two men. Hamada wondered how the man would react to discussing the murderer. "It can be good to have such distractions in difficult times. Did the police catch the intruder?"

Liu examined the wall. "No." He blinked and went on, "He remains free today."

Hamada looked up from where he was writing, keeping his face blank. _So he has a real target for his aggression?_

"You know who he is?"

Liu's lips tightened. "Yes. But he is inconsequential. A hoodlum. The lowest sort of man. I don't waste my time considering him." 

_Don't you?_ Hamada remained silent, his eyes focused on Liu's face.

Liu went on, "What he has done, he has done. He robbed me of that which I held most dear, but killing him would not bring it back. Such a man does not deserve to live, but life will see to his punishment soon enough."

Hamada considered Liu's choice of words. He made a note to check for connections between the killer and the other two perpetrators. But there was something else that had caught his attention. "Would not bring "it" back? You refer to something besides the people you loved?"

Liu's jaw clenched then relaxed. "I suppose you might say I lost the world as I knew it that night. After that, I was alone and no longer innocent. So yes, there is an "it" to go with my family."

Liu shifted in his chair. "Why are we speaking of this? What does this have to do with the reason I'm here?"

Hamada tilted his head slightly and looked at Liu. He'd bet it had everything to do with it.

He kept his tone mild and curious. "It seemed important to you. _Does_ it have anything to do with why you're here?" 

"Of course not. What possible connection could there be between the two incidents? There are eight years and an ocean between them!"

That was a very good question, one that he intended to find the answer to. But for now, Hamada could think of one important connection. "Well, you were very angry two months ago, enough that you lost control of yourself, and were you also not angry eight years ago as well?"

"Of course I was angry! My family had been killed in front of me! Who wouldn't be angry?"

Not just killed, but killed in front of him. Hamada didn't think the time right to push into this anger, so he eased his questioning back. "No one, I think, would _not_ be angered by such a thing. There's nothing wrong with you for being angry at such a terrible incident. Nor should you feel guilty for surviving them."

"Who says I feel guilty?"

_You're screaming it out Liu-san._ He almost felt sorry for the man, but managed to keep some professional detachment. He knew Liu was trying his best to appear normal, so perhaps if he made him realize that such a reaction was normal, he'd admit it.

"It is common for survivors in a tragedy to feel guilt, Liu-san. It would be unusual if you did not feel it." 

Liu thought about it. His answer was quieter than his others had been. "I suppose… I suppose there was some guilt. After all, I didn't do my job and protect them."

" _That_ was your job? You were..." Hamada consulted his clipboard, "21 years old? That's quite a job for someone so young. Didn't others share the responsibility?"

"Yes, of course they did. We had many servants and guards."

_Guards? What the hell kind of environment did he grow up in?_

"So they failed in their jobs as well?"

Liu was silent, just looking at the floor. 

Hamada tried again. "Did they not have as much responsibility as you?"

Liu turned his head to look at the window. Afternoon light was filtering through the wooden blinds, painting his face in light and shadow. "I was a son of the house. Responsibility was mine."

Hamada paused a moment, taken by the picture before him, understanding his words. He was in that position too, being an only child. "I understand. But didn't your brother share this responsibility?"

"I don't wish to discuss my brother."

He has sibling issues too? What issues doesn't he have? Hamada couldn't wait to take this man and his issues apart and put him back together. Eight, ten weeks tops. But for now, he had what he wanted from him. Well, what he wanted professionally, which was where it had to end unfortunately.

"We don't need to discuss anything that makes you uncomfortable, Liu-san. Now about the incident two months ago –"

"Talking about him doesn't make me uncomfortable. As I said, it's been eight years. I simply do not believe my family is any of your concern. You wished to know about their deaths and I have told you. I shouldn't have told you _that_ much, because now you think you see all sorts of psychiatric fodder in it. Don't you?"

Hamada smiled at the term. But it was time to be honest. "Psychiatric fodder. I've not heard it called that before. But I suppose it's apt, though not in the way you mean it. I'll be honest Liu-san. I do see a great deal of "fodder" in the incident, not because it feeds psychiatric theories, but because it appears to have fed anger and guilt within you, and you appear to be carrying them and feeling them as strongly eight years after the fact. And that's not healthy. I'm afraid I cannot simply write your sessions off. If I have any concern for you as a patient, and I do, I must insist that you continue these talks on a regular basis, at least for a short time."

Liu's fingers slowly tapped on the arm of his chair as he stared the man down. Hamada stared back calmly, face free of any weakness Liu might use as an opening. Aware that he was going to get a fight, but knowing he could win.

"And if I don't come?"

Hamada made himself remain stern. "I'm sure you're aware of what the consequences would be. The judge seems to have made that clear."

There was silence. Liu's lips pursed slightly.

"How many sessions?"

He was giving in. Good. "That depends upon how cooperative you are. If you cooperate fully you could be finished here well before your probation is through."

Liu's tone dropped several notes lower. "And if I don't … cooperate?" 

"You'll be here as long as it takes Liu-san."

Liu's eyes narrowed. His mouth smiled. His eyes didn't.

"Is everything said in this session inadmissible in a court of law? Are you forbidden from disclosing anything that passes between us?"

Hamada relaxed a little at this sign of acceptance. "Of course. You should know that everything said here is kept in the strictest confidence. I don't even allow my secretary to see my notes."

Liu slowly stood up, walked over and bent down over the psychiatrist's chair, leaning on its arms, face by the man's ear, his hair brushing Hamada's cheek. 

He spoke softly. "Then remember this, Hamada-sensei. I've killed more men than you've ever counseled. It would be an easy thing to kill one more. I'll attend your sessions. But don't push me too far."

Liu pulled back slightly and stared a few seconds more, then turned and walked out of the room.

Hamada sat. Silent. Unmoving. 

_Holy shit. Did he just say what I think he said? He's a killer?_ That's _what kind of security he was for his family? They raised him to be a hit-man? Oh my God. What kind of family – Triad? You've got to be kidding. I have a Triad hit-man pissed off at me? Great._

_Oh, I had everything figured out, didn't I? He was a mess but it was going to be easy. Sensei always said someone would teach me a lesson. I guess this is it._


	2. Chapter 2

As office hours were drawing to a close the next day, Hamada was once again sitting at his desk and looking over the folder of his court-appointed patient who would arrive shortly. He was still a little shaken by the end of yesterday's session with Liu Feilong, but he wasn't going to let that interfere with him today. He read through the details.

Asami Ryuichi. Age 35. Wealthy. Powerful in financial and political circles. Owner of a number of businesses throughout Tokyo. Rumored to be involved in Tokyo's underworld, but nothing conclusive was ever determined. Hamada wondered for a moment if the incident was merely gang related, but he didn't think so. Asami didn't seem to be the type of person to get caught in such an activity. Nor did Liu. This wasn't a professional incident. It went deeper than that. Well, he would get what he wanted out of Asami today so that he'd have the answers he needed.

He looked at the photo. _My God. This guy's hotter than Liu FeiLong._ For the man who stared back at the camera to be so self-possessed while a mug shot was being taken, he had to be incredibly strong-willed and confident. He almost looked amused. _We'll see how amused he is today._ It would probably be a difficult session, but Hamada had handled his share of those. 

He heard Kurata speaking frantically in the outer office and looked up, about to stand, when a tall handsome man matching the photo strode into the office and closed the door, phone pressed to his ear. 

Hamada's eyes tracked him, traveling along his body appreciatively as he approached.

He nodded to Hamada who was seated at the desk, then walked to stand behind him at the window where he continued his conversation, something about an appointment with a Diet member later that evening.

Hamada was amused by the attempt to put him in his place, and a laugh almost escaped his mouth. _Two can play at that game._ He turned to his computer and began typing.

The man concluded his call and turned to Hamada. "I'm Asami. Please excuse me. Business problems often require immediate solutions, and this couldn't wait."

Hamada smiled, not taking his eyes from the screen. "I understand. Please be seated. I'll only be a moment." Hamada waved vaguely toward the chairs on the other side of the room.

He saw the man's mouth twitch out of the corner of his eye. "Of course. Take your time."

_Oh God he has a sense of humor too._ Hamada had a weakness for strong gorgeous men with senses of humor. _Well, who didn't?_ he asked himself with a smirk. Good thing he wasn't wearing glasses, or he'd be a goner.

Hamada watched as he walked over to the chairs and sat in _his._

Hamada rose from his desk. "Ah but that's my…Wouldn't you be more comfortable over in this chair? It's made for relaxation."

"I loathe recliners. I'm more comfortable where I am. Please be seated Hamada-sensei."

"Thank you Asami-san." The thanks slipped out before Hamada realized Asami had neatly reversed their roles. He was irritated, but also elated at the thought of the challenge he was faced with. One that he knew he'd win in the end.

Asami continued to steer the conversation. "Your schooling is impressive. Todai, Yale, some of the finest schools in the world. But your parents must have missed you, being all alone while you were away. They must be so thrilled to have you back home again, their only son."

Hamada sat back, trying to retain his balance. " _I'm_ impressed, Asami-san. You've certainly done your homework. But then someone in your line of business has to, don't they?"

Asami smiled, conceding a point. "I prefer to know who I'm talking to. By the way, I would suggest changing your evening jogging path. The neighborhoods you run in aren't healthy."

Hamada's eyebrow lifted. "Is that a threat Asami-san? I've had so many of them lately I find I'm getting bored with them."

"Not at all. Just some friendly advice. I'd hate to have to research another psychiatrist if you were damaged. "

Hamada laughed. _Oh God I want him. This is bad._ "For a moment I thought you cared."

Asami crossed his legs, a slight smile playing about the edge of his mouth.

"Do you mind if I smoke?"

"Yes, actually I –" The sentence was broken by the click of a lighter already closing. Hamada watched as Asami settled back in his chair and slowly drew on the cigarette, his eyes wandering over the younger man's body. His eyes slid back up to the psychiatrist's eyes, where he held them as he blew a steady stream of smoke out of his mouth. His meaning was transparently obvious. _This is really bad. This is a patient._ Hamada crossed his legs, trying to hide his reaction.

Asami's eyelids lowered slightly as he drew on the cigarette again, still with that little smile in his eyes, which were still locked on Hamada's. He blew the smoke out again. "Whatever are you thinking, Hamada-san?"

_Don't say it. Don't do it._ Hamada laughed a little. "Isn't that supposed to be my line?"

"Perhaps. But we both know what I'm thinking. I'm just wondering if you'll admit what's going through _your_ mind. Are you comfortable over there? In your recliner?"

Hamada took a deep breath. _He can't have meant what I think. God help me if he meant it._

"Asami-san, you're here for a reason."

"Indeed I am. And I've just found a much more delightful reason to stay."

_Oh God. Act professional._

Hamada watched, eyes widening, as Asami leaned forward and stubbed his cigarette out on the top of his clipboard. 

He realized then that it was too late.

Asami removed the clipboard and pen from the other man's hands, grabbed his tie and pulled him forward into a kiss. Hamada was caught.

Hamada couldn't breathe. Asami's lips and teeth bit and stroked and worked his mouth, even as his tongue licked and soothed and stroked behind them. His hands clenched the older man's shirt, struggling to get free for some much needed oxygen. 

Asami pulled back, looking amused. "Relax. Breathe."

Hamada managed to take advantage of the advice, caught his breath, and opened his mouth to speak. Asami didn't give him a chance to. Asami's mouth covered his, his tongue now stroking the inside, moving in and out, in a blatantly sexual motion. Hamada's hands went from pushing away to pulling him in. He wasn't going to, couldn't, say no to this. Fuck ethics. His arms went around Asami's neck as he was pushed down. Asami was over the chair now, shoving the back of it down as he lowered his body onto Hamada's, never breaking the kiss. 

He pushed up against Asami as he was pressed back into the recliner with a roll of Asami's hips. Both men were already hard. The chair rocked slightly, the motion causing their cocks to rub against one another through their clothing. Asami pushed against him more firmly, thrusting slightly and slowly, setting the chair in motion again. 

Hamada was dizzy, incapable of thought, unable to sense anything beyond the man above him. His hand fisted in Asami's hair and he devoured the mouth of the man who had just been devouring him. 

Asami moaned, smiling, sliding one hand down the front of his suit, tearing away buttons that were in the way. They clinked as they hit the floor and table. Asami's mouth followed the path of his hand, licking, nibbling, teasing with the end of his tongue. His neck where it met his shoulder, the line down the middle of his chest, his side just above his waist, Asami seemed to know every place to pay attention to with his tongue while Hamada writhed underneath him. 

Asami's hand slid to the suit pants, disposing of that button like the others, ripping the zipper teeth apart, plunging inside to enclose him in his hand. He jerked down Hamada's boxers and took his erection in his mouth, all the way in. Hamada moaned, thrusting his hips helplessly over and over again into that sucking licking cavern. 

Asami jerked the pants down to his knees, then pushed those knees back against his chest. One hand held them there as he spread Hamada's ass wide, bent his head, and plunged his tongue in. Hamada's moan was high and keening. The tongue mimicked the earlier motion in and out of Hamada's mouth and it nearly took him over the edge. Asami smiled, rose to his knees, freed his erection, and with no other preparation pushed in to the hilt. Hamada cried out.

There was a knock on the door. _Fuck!_

"Hamada-san?" A hand tried to open the door but it was locked from the inside. "Hamada-san? Is everything alright?" _Fucking secretary!_

"Do you want me to continue?" Asami asked, smirking.

"Yes, damn you!" It came out in a hiss. It was his fault they were caught like this, but he was too far gone to stop.

He called to his secretary. "I'm fine Kurata-san. We're just, um, experimenting with repressed memories." 

She called out "Ah. I'm sorry to interrupt you. I'll be leaving for the day then."

But Asami had already started moving and she was forgotten. Asami was slowly and thoroughly fucking him. His strokes were long, deep, and controlled. He raised Hamada's hips, and aimed for his prostate. He struck on the first stroke. A spear of pleasure tore through Hamada's groin. He tried to reach for his cock, but found Asami's hand had at some time pinned his wrists to the chair above his head. He struggled to free them, which only made the pleasure more unbearable. 

Asami paused and Hamada trembled.

"What do you want Hamada?"

"What do you think I want?" His voice was breaking like an adolescent's.

"Tell me." 

Asami rolled his hips slightly.

Hamada whimpered and broke. "I want you to fuck me. I want you to fuck me so hard that the whole office building hears my screams. I want your cock to pound inside me until I can't see anything but you, feel anything but you."

Asami laughed and leaned forward and kissed him, hard. "I'll give you what you want."

Asami pulled back and thrust forward, hard and fast. The power of the thrust drove him up the chair, only Asami's firm grip keeping him in it. That high keening moan was heard again as they both approached the end. Asami's breaths kept pace with his thrusts, his eyes half closed, beads of sweat above his upper lip. He leaned closer to Hamada, Asami's abdomen rubbing his cock with every thrust. Asami finally moved his hand down, and his strong fist squeezed Hamada's cock. At the touch Hamada convulsed and shook and came hard. As his semen spurted, coating his chest, Asami gave one last thrust and emptied himself into Hamada's body.

He felt Asami leaning over him, breathing hard. Hamada's eyes remained closed. His breathing slowed as he lay still on the chair. His eyes slowly opened, blinking as if wakening from a night's sleep. He focused on the face over him, which was watching his. 

The corner of Asami's mouth lifted slightly. "Repressed memories?"

Hamada felt his face heat. "I wasn't at my best at that moment."

"Oh I disagree." Asami leaned in further for a deep kiss.

Hamada pulled back, smiling, flirting. "Asami-san, I think this concludes your appointment. We can continue this next week. Perhaps with a more standard session."

"Ah, but I won't be returning next week."

"Of course you will. The court order specifies –"

"–that I see you until you say otherwise. And you're going to say otherwise, aren't you Hamada-san?"

_What was going on?_

Asami pulled back, straightened his clothes, reached into his pocket and pulled out a mini recorder that he reversed. He pressed play.

_"–want you to fuck me so hard that the whole office building hears my screams. I want your cock –"_

Hamada's world crashed.

Asami snapped it off.

"What do you think, Hamada-san, would happen to your psychiatrist's license if your colleagues received a tape of you being fucked by a patient, during an appointment with you in your office no less? What would your dear parents say, to learn their only son is gay? All hopes of grandchildren gone."

"You fucking bastard." His voice broke over the words, his eyes wide, his breath coming fast. He couldn't believe how easily he'd been played. He'd walked right into the trap.

Asami's voice was soft, his words hard. "Yes, that's what I am. That's what you thought that you, with all your education, could handle."

Asami leaned forward. "You don't have what it takes to handle someone like me, boy. You're only a few years younger, but we're worlds apart in experience. You should be more careful about which cases you choose in the future and keep them within the realm of possibility." 

Standing up, Asami continued, "Besides, I do like you." 

Hamada choked in disbelief.

"What, you don't believe me? You're charming, handsome, intelligent. I've no wish to see you hurt. This is business. Once it's concluded, if you wish to spend more time together, I'd be willing to see you on occasion."

Hamada looked at Asami and started laughing, partly in shock, partly because the sheer impossibility of the situation made it so very ridiculous. _He fucked me, is blackmailing me about it, and wants to go out with me later – and doesn't think it's strange?_

He thought of the very public altercation between Asami and Liu that had led to their arrests. "It's no wonder Liu Feilong tried to kill you. What tricks did you play on _him_ to send him into that rage?"

Asami's eyes narrowed.

"You have no right to ask that question, no matter who appointed you. Nothing gives you that right."

Raising his chin a little, Hamada stared at the man. "You almost make me sorry I'm not going to get a chance to find out."

"Don't be. You wouldn't like the answers you'd learn if you did." Asami pulled some papers out of his jacket. "I take it that means you agree to sign these."

Hamada sighed. "Are you leaving me a choice?"

"You always have a choice. I just make sure the wrong choice results in some very unpleasant outcomes."

Hamada slowly took the papers, then signed them and handed them back. He wasn't about to give up his practice and career over one bad decision. This wouldn't hurt anyone except possibly Asami in the long run, and Hamada couldn't bring himself to care about that.

"Well, you've obviously researched me well enough to know that I think ethics are fluid things. I don't like what you did, though I can't help but admire the way you pulled it off. You realize, of course, that what I just signed was a complete lie. You're not certifiably sane. If anyone could benefit from therapy, you could."

Asami took the papers, glanced over them and put them back in his suit coat.

"Then call me and arrange an appointment, sensei."

He leaned over and grabbed the back of Hamada's neck, kissing him so forcefully he knew his lips would be bruised, before releasing him and stepping away.

"Remember, what just happened was business. Now we're free to concentrate on more enjoyable things if you want. And I did enjoy this. You have my number."

And with that comment he turned and walked out the door.

Hamada fell back on the chair and stared at the ceiling, eyes wide, replaying the last half hour's events in his mind. He now understood what it felt like to stand in the path of a tornado. He'd just compromised his entire career, and for what? For the best fuck of his life. He started laughing again, tears in his eyes. The man was right. There was nothing on earth that could prepare anyone for Asami Ryuichi. The best one could hope for was to not be blown away.

He got up and cleaned himself off, and put his clothes back together as best he could. Good thing it was the last appointment for the day. 

What had happened between these two men? The cold beautiful killer Liu Feilong. Asami Ryuichi, a potent force of nature. And some poor kid caught between Scylla and Charybdis. He ached for the boy before he even met him.


	3. Chapter 3

The third and final member or the trio was due to come in at any moment. Hamada had never felt more unsure of himself. He never made mistakes. He pulled himself together. Surely today's session would go much more easily. The boy didn't look like a threat, but Hamada needed to remember who he kept company with. He looked at the details in his folder.

Takaba Akihito. Age 23. Freelance photographer. Some juvenile arrests for truancy, disorderly conduct, under-aged drinking. Minor offenses. It looked like the boy had turned it all around when his father died and a policeman took him under his wing. Now he had a decent career and sold photos to papers and magazines all over town.

He pulled out the mug shot and had to laugh. Takaba looked like a defiant little boy who'd gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Definitely attractive, but not Hamada's type.

A hard knock at the door made him jump in his seat, and before he could say anything Takaba himself came in, slamming the door behind him. He stomped over to the recliner and dropped down into it, then crossed his arms and looked over at Hamada with a defiant stare.

"What's the problem? Can we get on with this?"

Hamada got up and crossed to his chair, then sat, trying to project calm. "Have I done something to offend you Takaba-san?"

The young man flushed. He answered contritely. "Ah, no. I'm sorry... it's just that once again, I got stuck in the middle of those two bastards, and once again I take the heaviest damage. I didn't start it. I shouldn't have to be here when it's not my fault."

Scylla and Charybdis. He knew the feeling. The poor kid. "You mean this has happened before?"

Takaba leaned back into the recliner and Hamada swallowed, remembering the day before. 

"Yeah. A couple times. Not exactly like this, but it's close enough. Feilong comes to town. Feilong wants to piss off Asami. Feilong can't get near Asami so he reams me instead. Only this time Asami caught him in the act and all hell broke loose."

"Reams you? How so?" Hamada paled, thinking of Feilong's threat. "He…Has he tried to kill you?"

Takaba shrugged. "Yeah, I guess he did a few times. But that's not what I meant."

Hamada's eyebrows rose. "He's tried to kill you several times?" 

Takaba put the recliner back and played with the lever raising his feet up and down. "Well, he might have been going to, but I always got away, or Asami saved my ass before it happened."

Hamada wondered what kind of person would be able to say that so nonchalantly. Someone for whom this was a common occurrence. Or maybe someone for whom there were things worse than death. He thought about Asami and thought maybe he understood. 

"…So then, he kidnapped you but never actually got around to harming you?"

"He who?" Takaba continued to play with the chair.

_WHO?_ Hamada filed that one away for later.

"Feilong. Before you got away, or before Asami saved you. He never harmed you?"

Takaba paused in his play and looked at Hamada.

"I didn't say that."

"Please excuse me then. I misunderstood. So he did hurt you?"

Takaba's eyes shifted away, then back.

"Well, yeah, he took me prisoner. People aren't nice to people they take prisoner. Otherwise they'd just be called guests."

Hamada rested his cheek on his hand and looked at the boy, who was rocking in the chair again. His pain and discomfort were so obvious. He'd never identified with a patient like this before, but after the last couple of days... Damn those other two. Hamada hurt for him. "Tell me what happened Takaba-san. Why did he take you prisoner?"

Takaba shrugged, his fingers now playing across the patterns on the chair. "He wanted information the first time. And I'd already given it to Asami. You know how people like that are. They keep pushing because they think they'll eventually by some miracle get what they want."

Hamada did understand, thinking about the day before, but he lied. "Actually no, I don't know anyone like that. Could you explain the situation to me?"

Takaba frowned. "I suppose."

"I was at this dinner party, see, for all these bigwigs. You know I'm a photographer, right? I was trying to get a scoop for the paper so I went in as a waiter and took a hidden camera. When I got there I found out Asami was there too."

Takaba stopped and scowled, then continued.

"Anyway, I was pretending to be with the caterers and I was taking out the trash, when there's this commotion in the hallway. I take a picture and scare the hoods off, then the guy on the floor gives me this data on an MO and wants me to give it to Asami. So I tried to but Asami's thugs wouldn't let me, and I got pissed and erased the data and sent him the empty MO. Hah. I wanted to teach him a lesson."

Hamada bet that quite a few people were taught a lesson after that.

Takaba continued. "So I'm walking home and this limo pulls up. You know, totally gangster? So of course I thought it was Asami."

Hamada's eyes widened. _Like Yakuza? Shit. Triad and Yakuza. What's next, Italian mafia?_

Takaba laughed bitterly. "Yeah, that was my response too. Who wants to see Asami? But these guys get out and insist I go with them."

He paused.

"Were they with Feilong?"

Takaba took a deep breath. "Yeah. They were his, not Asami's. They wanted the data but I didn't have it, and they didn't believe me."

Takaba paused again.

Hamada let him take his time.

"They took me back to this building that all these Chinese decorations in it and hung me from the ceiling by a rope. And started beating me. I kept telling them the truth but they wouldn't listen. The assholes. Like I wouldn't have given them that data in a second if I had it. Did they think I cared about Asami's business? I didn't, but I had nothing. They kept beating me for nothing."

Takaba broke off and just stared at the floor for a few minutes.

For once Hamada wasn't all that eager to open someone's wounds. For once it hurt him as it hurt the boy. He gently prodded. "And then Asami came and rescued you?"

Takaba gave a short laugh. "Yeah right. He'd never show up when I need him. He likes to wait until it's all over." He fell silent again.

Hamada thought about the Asami he knew from yesterday, how ruthless he was with enemies. Was he that way with friends too? Hamada felt sorry for the boy who had to depend upon such a friend. And the more he heard, the more he identified with Takaba. He asked softly, "So after the men beat you, did Feilong ever show up?"

Takaba's eyes darted nervously at him, then quickly away. He swallowed. "Yeah."

Hamada ached, knowing what was coming, but continued gently, "It's alright to talk to me about it Takaba-san. I genuinely want to help you. And no one else will ever hear what's said in this room. I've met these men. I understand how scary they can be."

Takaba looked at him for a minute, then lowered his eyes.

"He, well, he kind of..."

He ran his hands through his hair, then stood up and walked over to the wall, facing the diplomas on it.

"Did he touch you Takaba-san? Sexually, I mean?"

Takaba walked to the painting on the opposite wall. He stuck his hands in his pockets and looked at it. His chin dropped. Then it raised, as if he'd made a decision.

It was very quiet, but Hamada heard it. "Yeah." 

"Yeah, it was... It was after his men had been beating me, you know? ... And then he came in..."

He paused, very still now. "He was so beautiful... I can still see him. When he walks in he's so beautiful I think I must be hallucinating. And then he lays his own guy out for beating me. Like he's saving me. For just a second I think he is. That someone cares enough to face these guys down for me. I think he's an angel... Then I see his eyes. They're cold. No caring. No warmth. No emotion, not good ones anyway. And he keeps looking at me with them. Dead eyes. And then he says he wants to play with me, and he keeps running his hands all over my body. It's like being touched by an eel." Takaba visibly shivered, flinching away from a touch that was no longer there.

"Then he gives me drugs. It makes me not care as much. It makes me act like it doesn't matter. It still hurts...bad. I don't want it. But I want it too. Because he's beautiful and the drugs make me hot. But he keeps making me cum while he is hurting me. He likes seeing my shame. My humiliation. Because I hate what he's doing, and I love it, and he knows it. He gets off on that. Seeing me realize it, seeing me hate and despise myself for it. The whole time he never stops watching me with those eyes." Takaba's hand covered his mouth. His eyes were closed, tears leaking around the edges.

"They always fool me, those two. They're pretty, and you start to think they're human, but then you realize all you're seeing is yourself reflected back in cold hard eyes, and that there was never any warmth there to begin with. And you end up leaving a piece of yourself behind each time. They leave you emptier than you were before. Someday I wonder if there's even gonna be anything left after a while." He shuddered, wrapping his arms around himself.

Hamada blinked the moisture from his eyes. "Takaba-kun." 

There was no response and he spoke as gently as he could. "Takaba-kun. You're not there anymore. Feilong can't hurt you anymore. Those are only memories. Very bad memories, but only images now. Takaba-kun, come back and sit down."

Takaba took a shaky breath and wiped his eyes. His voice was bitter, raw. "But he _can_ hurt me still. That was just the first time I was talking about. The second time was worse. It was like he'd gone crazy. That time I don't think he even saw me after a while. It was a punishment. He was trying to punish me for something. I think maybe for Asami..." He closed his eyes again, trying to shut it out, but the images were more vivid that way so he again looked at the wall.

"Both times were because of Asami?"

"Yeah, but the second time was different. I mean, he'd heard me and Asami over the phone. He actually heard us."

"Heard you? What do you mean?"

Takaba blushed. "You know, having sex. We'd been having sex and Asami thought it was funny to make me moan while I was on the phone. To show he's boss or something."

Hamada blanched. "You're Asami's lover?"

"Lover. Huh. Yeah, he called me that. There's no love though. He doesn't care anything about me except as a convenient hole to fuck. He gets off on hurting people too. For some reason he especially likes to hurt me. I'm his special toy. Whether I want to be or not."

Takaba's voice was now much louder, stronger, his tone fierce.

"But even then, he'll just leave me alone for months, not even call or anything. It's like he doesn't even care that I'm alive. Then the next thing I know, he shows up at my place at three in the morning. Wanting sex. And he always gets it. He never listens. I could be sick and dying and if he wanted to fuck me into the grave he'd do it." Takaba's fists were clenched.

"You shouldn't be ashamed. No one can stop Asami once he has a goal in mind." Hamada said dryly.

There were a few seconds of silence, then Takaba's head swung around, eyes sharp. His voice was harsh. "What did he do to you?"

Hamada's startled eyes met Takaba's, and he couldn't keep them from shifting to the recliner for a second. He felt hot blood on his cheeks.

Takaba stepped back, mouth dropping open, then closing to a thin line. When he spoke, his voice broke.

"You're fucking kidding me. He fucked you. Didn't he? On that chair I was using? I can't fucking believe him!"

Hamada couldn't move. He couldn't speak. He was caught like a rat in a trap. If ever he'd wanted to help a patient, it was Takaba, because he saw himself in the boy. If ever he'd wanted one to trust him, it was Takaba. And he had betrayed everything his profession stood for and he hadn't cared, because he hadn't met this boy yet. And yet no words would come out. When he really needed them, he could find no words.

Takaba was crying. "And you, you're our doctor, you're supposed to be helping us. What kind of doctor fucks his patient? Are you _lovers_ now? Are you gonna talk about what I've told you while you're in bed together? Laughing at Takaba's tears? You're worse than Asami! At least he's honest about himself. You. You pretended you wanted to help and I believed you. I told you everything! I trusted you! How could you have done this?"

Tears were falling from his lashes as he grabbed his coat and tore out of the room, slamming the door against the wall.

Hamada stared at the door, eyes wide, breath coming too fast. 

"Hamada-san?"

He shook his head and ran out of the office after him, his concerned secretary's voice fading as he ran out and down the stairs, then out onto the street. But Takaba was long gone. He bent over, breathing hard, remembering the look on Takaba's face as he left. 

_Oh God. What have I done?_


	4. Chapter 4

It had been five days since Takaba's appointment and Hamada still couldn't find the boy. He'd found out his friends' names and contacted them. He'd found out his usual haunts and spent time in each. He'd even stayed all night in front of Takaba's apartment, but the young man had never come home. He could only hope he showed up for this week's appointment, because he no longer knew what to do. Calling the police would be a further betrayal, and aside from that there was only one other option and he really didn't want to make that call. 

The surface of his desk was hard and uninviting, but all he wanted was to lay his head down and get some real rest. He'd had next to no sleep, and what sleep he'd had was filled with nightmares. He closed his eyes.

On top of everything else, the upcoming appointment with Liu Feilong had him nervous. The last thing he needed was to screw this one up. Then he'd be three for three at losing patients. Three strikes. Out.

He stood and turned to look out his window at the dismal view. All through university and medical school he'd been at the top of his classes. There was never a challenge he couldn't meet. And within one week three men had shattered his self-image. He'd been so arrogant and knowing with Feilong, hell, with all his patients. Asami shoved it straight down his throat. And Takaba...

It hurt. He'd never hurt for a patient like this before. Maybe if nothing else good came from it, he'd be able to empathize somewhat more with people.

He heard a knock, and turned around as Feilong walked in.

"Good afternoon, Feilong."

Feilong stopped and stared. "I don't recall giving you permission to use my given names. Why do you think you have the right to now?"

_Shit!_ He'd been thinking about Takaba's words so much he started thinking of Feilong the same way. He was already screwing up. Feilong -- Liu-- was extremely formal in speech and manner, so he'd just insulted him unforgivably.

"I apologize. You did not, and I made a mistake in doing so. Liu-san, will you please be seated?"

"Hn. You bought a new chair. It's better than the last. The other was in poor taste."

Hamada winced. "Yes, it was making some patients uncomfortable so I got rid of it. I'm glad that you approve of the change."

Feilong sat and glared at the other objects around him. "Most of the décor in this room could use the same treatment. You should hire an adviser. That lamp…." Feilong's lip curled as he turned away. "I don't imagine you want to spend the time with me dissecting the room, but if you wish I could give you suggestions. I was raised to have an excellent knowledge of antiques and art objects, and how to display them properly."

"Thank you. That's most kind. If you wished to do something like that on your own time of course it would be most appreciated, but we do have other things we should discuss here."

Feilong looked at him, boredom all over his face. "Please, start your questions. I've been _dying_ all week to know what you wished to discuss next." His tone suggested anything but.

Hamada smiled weakly. "I thought we should pick up where we left off last time."

Feilong smiled wickedly. "With me threatening to kill you?"

Hamada dropped his pen. He bent over to pick it up and considered starting just there, but he wasn't sure what would follow and he no longer knew if he could handle it. He sat back up and stared at Feilong, who was smirking, and decided the hell with it.

"Why _don't_ we start right there? So Liu-san, was it part of the family plan for you to become an assassin? Or was it something you were attracted to on career day at school?"

Feilong stared a moment, then laughed. "Very good, Hamada-san. It was a family choice. I showed an aptitude for the disciplines required, you might say. I was pleased to be of use to them."

"Didn't it ever bother you to take a life?"

Feilong shrugged. "Perhaps at first. I was quite young when I made my first kill, only twelve. I think it disturbed me, all of the blood. But I came to see it quite quickly as it was. The death of an enemy soldier in a war. It bothered me very little after that. You have to understand that my family was one of the preeminent Hong Kong families involved in running the city's underground, and there was always a battle between us and those who opposed us. It was always wartime. And I was always the "Special Forces" division, so to speak. The people I killed were nothing to me but people who were trying to kill us. I just happened to shoot first. Would you not kill to protect your family in self-defense?"

Hamada thought about it. "If they were in immediate danger, of course I would. But I can't believe you were in immediate danger from so many people if you had to go seek them out."

"Is it not the same death, if you find out someone intends to kill you, to kill him on the trip over to your house? I'd say it's rather more prudent, instead of waiting until he's pointing a gun at someone you love, at a time when something could go wrong and he could succeed. That would be the height of arrogance, to risk the life of someone you cared about, would it not?"

Hamada couldn't say much. He agreed, but felt he shouldn't really approve of a patient murdering people. 

"Ha! You agree but are unwilling to say it. How dishonest of you. And you expect me to tell you the truth."

Hamada scowled at Takaba's words echoing back to him "OK, I'll admit what you said makes sense. But I know there's a good reason somewhere why I shouldn't agree, and I'm going to come back here next week and tell you what it is!"

"Do you also do that when you think of a comeback to a joke on the way home?"

"Yes! I mean, No!" Hamada sat back and closed his mouth, trying to rein in his temper but that horse had already shot out of the gate. "So is that always your excuse? That they're enemy soldiers? Just how did Takaba-kun qualify?"

Feilong stilled. All humor drained from his face. His eyes narrowed to slits and his fingers flexed on the arms of the chair. 

Hamada swallowed, already feeling those fingers around his throat. Feilong looked like he had murder on his mind. He wondered if Feilong could smell the terror on him. Why in God's name couldn't he keep his mouth shut with these men?

"Forgive me Liu-san. That was completely uncalled for, incredibly unprofessional, and incredibly petty. For some reason, you and the others seem to bring out the worst in me. It's entirely my failing. Please, may we speak of something else?"

Feilong just looked at him cooly. "You skirt the edges of death, Hamada-san. I wonder if you took this tone with Asami. I can't imagine him letting you live for such an insult either. You must be wondrously lucky -- perhaps like a cat you have nine lives. I don't know how many you've used up with Asami, but you're down two with me. Keep that in mind."

"One."

"Pardon me?"

"Asami took one life. So that means I have six left. And I'll probably lose one more of those before the week is out."

Feilong stared at him, his face puzzled.

Hamada nervously ran his hand through his hair. "So I have five more chances, ne?" He took a breath. "I may as well use another one here. I'm doing so well today."

His patient's eyebrows drew together. "Would you like this chair, Hamada-san? It seems that you could stand to lie down for a while. And you could write me a check for the therapy session while you're at it."

Hamada laughed in self-depreciation. "Liu-san. You know, if you wanted to get another therapist I wouldn't argue with it. I'll fill out any necessary paperwork that the courts require."

"And miss out on all this entertainment? No thank you. I'd just have to threaten a new set of people, and it gets so tiring after a while. No, I have you scared. I'm happy with that."

The whole day kept just getting more surreal. Hamada shook himself out of it and glanced at his notes, trying to get back on track. "May we continue then, please? I'll try to control myself so you don't want to kill me anymore."

"Go ahead."

"You say you feel nothing for the deaths of the men you kill." _This conversation..._ "I can see where that might happen at the time, in the heat of battle so to speak. But doesn't the emotion have to go somewhere? Soldiers suffer from PTSD because of high stress situations like that, and that's something that doesn't show up until later. Could it be possible that you're feeling similar effects but haven't identified them as such? PTSD doesn't only mean flashbacks."

"I feel perfectly healthy, Hamada-san, and I don't relive any of my kills. Unless something goes wrong of course. Then I analyze it to see where I could improve the next time."

Hamada kept his face blank. "Of course. But you have no trouble sleeping?"

Feilong shrugged. "Well, some, but I'm not in a familiar bed. You know how that can be."

"So you do have insomnia, but only since your arrival in Japan?"

"Yes. I was fine in Hong Kong, but something about Tokyo sets it off. It must be the climate."

"I can prescribe something, if you'd like. A sleep aid."

Feilong smiled. "I have my own sleep aid."

Hamada wasn't sure if he wanted to know. "What is it?"

"I smoke hashish, or sometimes opium. It's quite helpful."

_Jesus. He said that without even blinking._ "Liu-san, I won't lecture you on the evils of drugs. I'm sure you're aware of the problems associated with them. But I'd ask you to think about two things. First, drugs only blur the problem for a little while by at best erasing the symptoms and at worst exacerbating them, but dealing with the root of the problem will remove the symptom and the need for the drugs. Secondly, has your drug usage increased since coming to Tokyo? That's another sign of PTSD, or frankly of any mental disease where someone is trying to avoid facing a problem. Has it?"

Feilong shifted about. "Well of course it has. If I've been having trouble sleeping here, and that's what I use to help me sleep, it stands to reason, doesn't it?"

Hamada reached into his pocket for a prescription pad, and wrote one out for a popular sleep-aid. He handed it to Feilong. "I'd like you to try this for a week. I think you'll find it works better than what you've been using. It's non-habit forming so you don't need to worry about using it every night. If you don't need the drugs, then this should be much more restful to you. Please, just as a test. If you truly try it and it doesn't work, you can always come back in here next week and threaten to kill me again."

The corner of Feilong's mouth turned up. "Fine. I'll try it. But you'll be down another life, and I'm counting."

"Good. Thank you. I'd also like you to notice if you're less tense and easy to anger as well."

Feilong looked surprised. "How did you know that I'd been this way?"

Hamada never ceased to be amazed at how blind people were about themselves. "You seemed that way in your sessions."

Feilong rolled his eyes. "By those standards, you have PTSD too."

Hamada thought he wasn't far from the mark. He chuckled. "You may be right. Perhaps we could help each other. Liu-san, you just don't seem like someone who releases his emotions easily. In your line of work it's probably deadly to get emotionally involved."

Feilong nodded. "Literally."

Hamada winced. "I'm guessing that you don't let yourself feel any attachment to anyone you work with, because who knows when they'd die? Do you do anything to release anger? Is there anyone you don't have to be on guard with?"

Feilong sat up a little. "I work out several hours a day at various martial arts. I train by myself, and I train my men. I usually spar with several and take out a lot of anger on them. And if there's a kill that day, I usually feel much better."

Hamada narrowed his eyes. "You're jerking my chain, aren't you?"

Feilong's mouth showed a hint of a smile. "A little. I do work out every day and by the end of it I feel quite peaceful. Unfortunately, it's in the morning before all the day's headaches hit."

"Could you move your training to the evening? That might also make you sleep better, and you could immediately take your anger out on those men who pissed you off that day."

Feilong's eyes narrowed. "Are you, um, 'jerking my chain'?"

Hamada smiled. "A little. But the basic premise holds. Would it be a problem?"

Feilong smiled back. "No, I would enjoy beating the men who had pissed me off. And I could easily move the training to the evening too. It's not like I have a busy schedule while being stuck here."

"Good. I think you'll see some differences by next week. Now the other thing I was asking about. Do you have anyone that you can be relaxed with and express yourself? Do you only have your men present in Tokyo?"

Feilong nodded. "I brought a number of employees on all levels, but only them."

"Is there someone at home then? I believe you mentioned a son? He must be quite young."

There was some hesitation. "He is quite young. And not exactly my son. More of a ward."

"What is his name?"

"Tao."

"Can you tell me something about him?"

"He came under my care when his parents were killed while working for me. I felt I owed it to them to raise him. He…tries to keep me comfortable and happy – others do that as well, but he does it because he wants to see me that way. He's very devoted to me, and is made happy by the smallest attention." Feilong's eyes were softer now and he smiled. It took Hamada's breath away.

"The love of a child is a wonderful thing. It can withstand the harshest treatment, and it can last for years without them even hearing that they're loved in return."

Hamada was surprised to see tears start in Feilong's eyes. "Liu-san? Do you tell him you love him?"

Feilong laughed a little harshly. "No. And I should, shouldn't I? After – " he stopped himself.

Hamada thought about what Feilong had said of his upbringing. "After you were treated that way?"

He was being stared at again, and wondered if this was number three. But he was answered. "Yes. My father was a reserved man, and only told me his feelings on his deathbed. I'm glad I got to hear it, even if it was too late to do anything about it."

Feilong stood abruptly. "Our time appears to be up for this week." Though their time was not.

Hamada hesitated, then stood as well. "You'll use the sleeping pills, cut out the drugs, and move your training schedule around?"

After a brief hesitation, Feilong reluctantly nodded. "Hn, maybe I should just marry you. You're already acting like a wife."

Hamada smiled at the attempt to lighten the mood. "Now Liu-san, if we got married it would have to be for life, and I just don't know you well enough yet." He continued more seriously. "I'm only asking you to try this for just one week. If you don't see a difference, then I'd be the first to admit there's no reason for you to continue."

"Very well Hamada-san. We'll see if you keep your word. Good day."

"Good day, Liu-san."

The door closed and Hamada breathed a sigh of relief. He was still alive. For once, he still had his patient. He sat down at his desk and had just begun transcribing notes when a vision of Feilong in a wedding dress overwhelmed him and he started laughing. He tried not to hear the touch of hysteria in it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot there were 2 "epilogues" that go with the main story, so the chapter count has gone up to 17.
> 
> ~~~~~~~

It had now been over a week since he'd seen Takaba, and his second appointment had passed. Hamada had not really expected him to show up this week, but it hadn't kept him from hoping that the boy might return, having calmed down. He wasn't going to report him to the authorities. That wouldn't help anyone. Including himself, he thought honestly. But Hamada was very worried.

His eyes returned to the folder on his desk and he stared at the contact information. He really didn't want to use it, but he didn't see any other choice. He picked up the phone and dialed, and waited for that voice.

"Hamada-san. I didn't think I'd be hearing from you so quickly. Do you miss me so much?"

Hamada took a breath, annoyed at the man even while he was drawn in. "This isn't about that Asami-san. Do you have a few minutes? I need to talk to you."

"I'm on my way to a meeting. I have fifteen minutes. Talk."

Now that he had Asami's attention, he wasn't sure where to start. He decided to be blunt.

"Asami-san, have you seen Takaba-kun lately?"

The pause at the other end of the line told him that his question was unexpected.

"He hardly lives in my pocket, Hamada-san."

Hamada remembered the boy saying something like that. 

"Yes, I realize that. But have you seen him? Do you know where I can find him? I've tried his apartment but he's never there. He missed his appointment this week and I'm quite worried."

There was another pause on the line, then a curt reply. "What happened?"

Hamada had dreaded that question. He couldn't betray Takaba's trust any more than he already had, he just couldn't.

"He... became very upset at the end of his session."

He heard an impatient breath from the other phone.

"What. Happened."

Hamada got angry.

"You know I can't tell you that! I'm violating his trust enough as it is, calling like this. I wouldn't have done it if I'd had any other option! You should be able to find him without knowing."

The voice came back cold and hard.

"So professional ethics rears its ugly head, eh, sensei? You're concerned about him, but not enough to break some asinine rule about disclosing information that might be helpful in locating him? You didn't seem so worried about rules last week."

Hamada hated the man for laying out the truth so plainly like that. 

"No, I didn't, did I? No thanks to you. And that's what caused this whole mess! If I'd stuck to the rules, if I'd behaved in an ethical manner, everything would be fine. Instead, I'm on the phone to a yakuza breaking the rules again! "

Asami snorted softly. "Yakuza, huh? Someone's been telling tales."

Hamada was alarmed at what he let slip. Dammit the man picked up on every little mistake.

"He just used the word. Don't hurt him!"

The voice at the other end of the line was amused.

"I wouldn't hurt him for something so trivial." The amusement stopped. "But you, Hamada-sensei. You're withholding information that isn't so trivial. You're the one who called me. You invited me into this. You're going to tell me what you know."

Hamada closed his eyes. He was just getting deeper and deeper into this. But what was he supposed to do? He knew Asami wouldn't let it go now. And he might be able to help find Takaba, which was the real worry. He took a breath and broke his word again.

"He found out what had happened. Between us."

"And that upset him?" Asami seemed a little surprised. And a little satisfied.

Hamada heard a wealth of information in that reply and pitied Takaba. He regretted the call more every minute. But he continued anyway.

"It wasn't just that. He'd been talking about Feilong. About the times he'd been captured. Are you aware of what happened then?"

"Of course I'm aware, but he never seemed all that bothered by it. He bounces back quickly from everything. He has fight in him. I wouldn't be interested in him if he didn't."

Hamada shook his head. 

"He is a fighter. But he's also vulnerable. Everyone is about something, Asami-san, even you. Somewhere there's a crack in that wall you've built around yourself. And God help anyone who's around the day the wall breaks. " 

"Thanks for the therapy session sensei, but what's that have to do with Takaba?"

_Irritating bastard._

"Takaba's no different. He let me in. He let me inside the wall. Then he found out about us. It was the worst kind of betrayal to him. You 'get' betrayal, right Asami-sama?"

Asami sighed.

"Is there anything else you're not telling me? What you've said isn't much to go on."

Hamada thought back once again.

"No. Those are the two things that really upset him. Before that, he was just an angry boy in a bitch session."

Asami gave a short laugh.

"That's Takaba. It's not much but I suppose I'll have to work with it. I'll be in touch." He hung up.

Hamada sat back, relieved that the call was over. He hoped he had done the right thing. But he didn't know what else to do.

 

**

 

Akihito sat on the beach, arms around his drawn up knees, watching the waves. He wasn't really interested in them, but he didn't have any place else to be, anything else he felt like doing. 

He'd spent a lot of time thinking this past week, about how his life had changed so much in the past year. How had he lost control like this? He barely recognized himself. He'd let others take over and shape him. And to what end? He was a bone being fought over by two junkyard dogs. 

He laughed bitterly. 

And worse, one of the dogs had taught him to crave the attention. Taught him to enjoy being taken and used and left in pain. What the hell was wrong with him? 

And then, he thought maybe he'd finally found someone he could talk to, someone who might help, and it turned out that he was just another fucking bone.

He laughed again, this time tears starting to fall.

He was a fucking mess.

He'd never felt so alone. But who could he turn to? Who could possibly understand this? They'd just think it was his own weakness that caused it, and rightly so. They'd blame him, and he didn't want their accusing looks. He'd be interrupting their lives, causing them heartbreak, maybe even causing them to get in trouble if they tried to confront Asami or Feilong, and after that they'd still not understand. They'd look at him with shuttered glances, fall quiet when he walked into a room. No, he couldn't talk to anyone about this.

But oh god how he wished he could. How he wished there were someone he could lean on, turn to, rest his head against. He'd give anything to have a pair of understanding arms around him. Someone to just say it wasn't his fault. Someone to fill the void.

He started sobbing in earnest now, head buried in his arms. He just wanted it all to stop. How was he supposed to live like this? 

He sniffed and wiped his nose, then took a breath, the sobbing quieted for a moment as he considered this. Was that what it came down to? Another bitter laugh escaped. What a cliché. To be or not to be. And he'd thought English class had nothing to do with real life. 

He thought about what it meant.

He thought about death. Messy, but an end to the pain and confusion. Quick, blessed relief. No humiliations in the future. No reliving the past. 

No facing himself. 

That made him pause. That made him angry.

He wasn't a fucking coward. He'd never let even the worst fears stop him from acting. He'd always managed to reach down inside himself and find the courage to fight. How could he do any less now? How could he let the actions of those men push him into something as final as death? That's making them too important, giving them too much control. It was his life, his control. It was his decision.

Fuck them.

Fuck death.

He chose life.

He chose himself.

 

But he couldn't let this mess continue. 

So he'd prevent it. He'd stop them from hurting him. He was going to take away their access. They wouldn't be able to touch him again in any way that mattered. Physically, he'd use them as he'd been used. Emotionally, they'd get nothing from him but what was on the surface. No ties. No bonds. Nothing deeper. They didn't deserve any more than that.

And the real Takaba would still live happily on the inside, where no one could touch him unless he chose. Because they didn't deserve him. None of them did. If they did they'd be here. He wouldn't be so alone, so betrayed. Nothing was worth the pain of that. So he'd trust no one the way he had in the past. Not his friends. Not his family. No one. Then they could never hurt him again.

He would still live. He would still enjoy life. But on his terms.

Takaba raised his head. His hard eyes glittered in the sun. He stood up and made his way back to the car, ready to return to Tokyo.

 

**

 

When he returned to the city it was dark, but he could still see the car and men waiting in front of his apartment building.

For once he didn't try to avoid them.

"Is he here?"

"No, Takaba-kun. But we were told if you returned we were to take you to his office."

"Let's go. And it's Takaba-san."


	6. Chapter 6

Asami was working late at his desk, finishing his review of the financial reports for a hotel chain he was considering taking over, when his cell rang. The ID showed it was an employee phone, one in the hands of the men he'd stationed at the apartment. He quickly reached for it, then annoyed at himself, waited for it to ring twice more before answering.

"What?"

Asami relaxed at the answer.

"Where the hell was he?"

The nervous voice at the other end didn't know.

"No, don't ask him. I'll ask when he gets here. Anything else?"

Asami sat back at the answer, his eyes amused.

"Did he?"

_This could be interesting._

 

***

 

Thirty minutes later, Takaba walked into his office. He strode over to a chair and sat down without waiting to be asked. He folded his hands over his stomach and smiled at Asami. 

"What was it that you wanted?"

Asami felt the excitement rise in him. What was this? A new Takaba? And from the looks of it, an even greater challenge. He stood up and walked around his desk. He circled the chair where Takaba sat. Takaba watched him, his eyes showing amusement.

"Like what you see?"

Oh yes. He liked it. And he was going to play with it later. But first he wanted some answers.

"Where were you?"

"I took a trip to the beach. I needed a break." Light, unconcerned.

Asami leaned against his desk, half sitting on it.

"I don't expect you to report to me. I don't need you to tell me where you are. But I do get annoyed when your psychiatrist calls me and asks me to find you."

Takaba's eyebrows rose.

"Did he? I'm sorry. He shouldn't have done that. I'll talk to him about it."

"Please do."

"Was that all you wanted?" His tone was still light, even ... playful?

Asami controlled himself, wanting to find out the rest. "He told me you'd run from his office because you were upset. What happened?"

Takaba smiled. "It was silly really. He gave away the fact that the two of you had fucked the day before my appointment, in the same chair I was sitting in. It was kind of disgusting. He could at least have put a cover over it."

Asami laughed lightly, trying to get a reaction. "I hope it didn't stain your clothes. But if I recall correctly, most of the stains were on Hamada himself."

Takaba wrinkled his nose, laughing. "Eew. I'll take a towel to sit on next time, just in case."

Asami tried again, looking for a chink in this new hard surface. "He also said you were upset because you'd been talking about Feilong raping you."

_Ah, what was that?_

Takaba frowned. 

"So much for that confidentiality agreement."

That wasn't what Asami wanted. He pressed the point. "Were you really that upset by what happened with Feilong? You never showed it much."

Takaba's head tilted. "Didn't I? I guess that's because it really didn't bother me that much. It hurt for a few days but then I was good as new. You know how it is – you can't let people get to you."

Ah, there it was. Said like an alcoholic repeating his twelve steps. 

_You can't let people get to you._

He was blocking everyone out and everything in. He wasn't going to let anything touch him. He was bottled up tight, this Takaba. Creating a pressure cooker inside of himself.

Oh this was rich. Hamada was trying to help and all he did was create another Feilong.

Asami started laughing, even though, he reflected, it wasn't all that funny. He stopped. He wondered if this one would want to kill him too. He'd have to find a way to get through to him if he wanted to keep his pet. 

But later.

For now, he'd have a little fun. He'd see where this new conviction led.

"I like this new you."

"Do you?"

It looked like Takaba had decided he wanted some fun too.

He stood up and slowly walked around Asami's desk, circling it the way Asami had circled him earlier. Asami smirked while Takaba walked behind him, but made his face blank before Takaba could see it again. His aggressive boy.

Asami played along, echoing Takaba's words from earlier. "Like what you see?"

Takaba stopped in front of him, just out of his reach. He tilted his head, as if considering the question. One corner of his mouth turned up.

He was wearing an open shirt over his t-shirt. He rolled his shoulders. He was still looking at Asami as it slid down his arms to the floor.

"I take it that's a yes."

Asami put his arms behind him on the desk, and leaned back to watch the show.

Takaba slid his hands through his hair, running the fingers from one hand down to his jaw. His middle finger slid up to his lips and brushed them briefly before his tongue flicked out along its length. He curled his tongue around the finger and brought it into his mouth, sucking, eyes half closed. Asami saw his eyes peek out from under the thick lashes as he pulled the wet finger from his mouth and let it trace down his chin, down his neck.

Takaba's eyes fell to Asami's crotch and he laughed softly. Asami was hard, and he wasn't trying to hide it.

Takaba's hands moved down his torso, then crossed to go up his arms, raised hairs in their wakes. They trailed down his chest again flicking over the bumps of his hard nipples, down to the hem of his shirt. They slipped under it, inching it up, letting a band of skin show below it, and his fingers slid back and forth, caressing the newly exposed skin.

Takaba's head was tilted back and his half closed eyes were still fixed on him.

Asami watched Takaba's hand move across his stomach and wanted his mouth to be there. He was already having trouble controlling himself, and couldn't remember why he should. He moved to sit up.

"No."

Asami stopped out of surprise, never obedience, contemplating the young man before him, watching those hands that kept moving. How much would Takaba push? He had to know.

"I'll let you get away with that for now." He leaned back on the desk.

Takaba's laugh was low and husky. He tugged the shirt upward, stretching as he did, showing off the pale torso that Asami loved to mark in ownership. The shirt slid over his tousled hair and was dropped to the floor, unnoticed. Takaba arched his back, stretching the hard muscles that shifted under smooth skin, keeping his hands above his head as if tied there, as if knowing how the sight affected Asami. Takaba turned his back to Asami, stretched again, then looked over his shoulder at him. 

Asami bit the inside of his mouth so pain would distract him. He never waited for anyone. He wanted to plunge inside that body until both of them were lying drenched on the floor, complete. A soft groan escaped when Takaba's hands fell to the waist of his sweatpants, pushing them slowly down as he bent at the hips, his back still towards Asami as he bared himself.

Asami jerked at the zipper of his trousers, freeing his straining cock. He sighed in relief as his hand enclosed it. 

"No," he heard again. 

"Yes," he snarled.

Takaba walked toward him, completely nude, his hips swaying like a woman's. Asami's breath caught at the sight, his hands motionless. Takaba fell to his knees and looked up at him from under his lashes. His hand was unresistant as Takaba reached up and removed it, replacing it with his own fist. His breath quickened as he felt Takaba's nose lightly nuzzling the curls at the base of his cock. And when that pink tongue shot out, wrapped around one of his balls, and brought it into that hot wet mouth his heart thudded like it was its last time. 

"Yesss..." He leaned back and spread his legs wider as Takaba sucked and massaged with his tongue. Takaba grabbed the waist of the trousers, tugging downward and he quickly lifted his hips, letting him take them, kicking off his shoes and socks. Takaba's mouth never stopped working between his legs. 

Asami jerked his tie off and tossed his jacket aside, then unbuttoned his shirt slowly, one button at a time, imitating Takaba's striptease, trying to make his lover as impatient as he. He slid the shirt off watching Takaba's eyes follow the motion. 

Takaba began licking the base of his cock, then running the tip of his tongue up the underside, flicking the ring of tissue around the head, just where it would do the most damage. Asami grabbed a handful of Takaba's hair and tried to force his mouth downward, only to be shocked when his head wouldn't move. The eyes that looked up at him were narrow, and the tongue stopped, just flickering out every so often against the head of his cock, just enough to keep him at the same level of intensity. 

_Fucking disobedient brat._

The mouth slowly moved towards the end of his cock, not because of his hands, but under its own strength, and engulfed the tip, kissing it as if it were Asami's tongue. All thoughts of punishment fled as that ring of flesh, soft, wet, and tight, moved all the way down his shaft to its base. His cock was in Takaba's throat, and when Takaba swallowed he lost control. He'd never lost himself to pleasure so easily. He thrust his hips helplessly and came in a burst that left him temporarily dazed.

He felt Takaba push him back onto the desk so he was lying on it and then crawl on top of him. Asami's eyes widened when he saw him spit some of his cum onto his fingers. _There's no fucking way..._

But Takaba, for all his aggression, didn't want that either. He put one knee on either side of Asami's chest, facing away from him. Asami watched as he bent over spreading himself for Asami to see, and he slowly slid his cum-covered fingers into his ass, working in and out of that tight pink hole. Asami was already hard again. He'd never wanted Takaba so fiercely.

Takaba's head bent down to moisten Asami's now dry cock, making it slick with spit. He pulled his fingers from his loosened hole, and turned around and positioned himself over Asami. Takaba looked down into his eyes.

"Who's your lover, Asami?" Takaba laughed, his eyes looking a little wild.

Asami's breath caught, for a moment seeing himself.

Then the slim body pushed all the way down, encasing him in a hot slick tightness that had him forgetting any vision. Takaba leaned backward and rested his hands on Asami's thighs so he could pump his body on that shaft at just the right angle, his face showing each time it hit home. Asami dug his nails into his desktop, splinters biting, to keep himself from ending it too quickly by grabbing Takaba's cock, instead fiercely meeting each of Takaba's thrusts with one of his own. 

Neither one would last long though at this pace. Takaba's little gasps were running into a long, low moan as his thrusts quickened. His fingernails were digging into Asami's thighs as Takaba's sweat dripped down on him, pooling with his own. Takaba's eyes were glazed now, only aware of the pleasure. The sight of it always triggered Asami, letting him stop the teasing and give them both release. He groaned and grabbed the boy's hips, driving deep and hard. Takaba cried out but swatted Asami's hand away and grabbed his own cock and came across his chest, spasming around Asami who thrust high up inside and followed.

The only sound in the room was the harsh breathing from both men. Asami watched Takaba through eyes narrowed to slits. Takaba's head was tilted backward, his body completely relaxed. Until he started laughing.

"What's so funny?"

Takaba opened his eyes and looked down at him. "You are."

Asami stilled, tense. "What do you mean?"

A corner of Takaba's mouth curled. "You thought I was going to do you."

Asami relaxed. "I thought you were going to _try_. Big difference. With the power games you were playing it seemed likely."

Takaba shrugged. "Not really. It wasn't about power. It was about control. Big difference." He smirked. "And control has nothing to do with whose cock is in whose ass."

Takaba stretched and got off the desk, trailing a mess behind him. He picked up his t-shirt, wiped himself off, and threw it into the trash. 

Asami turned onto his side on the desk, watching him. He'd just had the best sex he'd had in years. He shouldn't be feeling anymore of these needs, but if anything it seemed worse.

"Takaba, why did you really go to the beach?"

Takaba looked around at him as he was getting dressed.

"Asami, honey, I didn't know you were into post-coital chatting. Do you want to snuggle for a little while too?"

Asami got pissed. The brat was actually throwing his all too rare concern back in his face. 

His anger flared hotter when Takaba walked over, kissed him lightly and said, "This was nice. We'll have to do it again sometime. I'll call you."

"You do that. And the next time I'll be in control."

"If I let you be."

"I don't think I like your attitude." 

Takaba's eyes turned hard and cold. "Too bad. Get used to it or fuck off. If we're lovers, we're lovers on my terms."

Shock ran through Asami and he trembled as he tried to control himself. He'd shot men for less. His anger always froze but this time there was a fire raging through him, trying to get loose. This could not be happening. 

Takaba started walking away and turned back. His words cut like ice shards.

"Do you think you got away with murder before because you forced me to it? I was letting you walk all over me. Because I didn't have the guts to do otherwise. Because I didn't like the way I'd have to stop you. Because I thought it was the only way to get what you can give me. Now I know better. Tonight showed me that. And it showed me that you like having me this way too. So don't think that I'm gonna let you go back to raping me and pushing me around, because I won't. I'm finally drawing the line Asami. Make your choice. Then I'll make mine."

Asami rose from the desk, fury burning through him. "And if I make a choice you don't like?"

Takaba shrugged. "If that happens I'll do what I have to, to stop you." 

Something was trying to snap inside of him, instinct pushing him to strike like a rattlesnake. He could barely think, it was all a blur of red, but he forced himself turn his back on Takaba, afraid he might kill him if he didn't. He didn't know why, but he knew couldn't let that happen. He managed to spit the words out to make him leave before he did something too final. "You'll know when I decide." 

He heard the door open and close, footsteps fading, none too soon as his control finally slipped. He grabbed a paperweight from his desk and hurled it at the window with all his pent up anger behind it. The window held, but a long crack appeared in the tempered glass.

He snatched up his cell phone and dialed a number, stalking over to stand in front of the window, his nude reflection distorted by the damage he'd caused. The phone was answered on the sixth ring by a sleepy voice.

"Hamada? He's back. He'll be at his next appointment. He's fucked up."

Asami stared out into the darkness, seeing nothing.

He spoke tersely. "You're the psychiatrist. You figure it out. I just wanted to tell you that you better take care of it."

Asami listened, then snarled, "That means that you broke him and you better fucking fix him!"

He threw the phone against the wall, shattering it.

He leaned forward, pressing his forehead against the cold cracked glass, and closed his eyes.

 

**

 

Across town, Takaba entered his dark apartment, threw his mail on the counter and walked over to the window. He leaned against the frame and looked out into the night.

Why didn't it feel as good as he thought it would?


	7. Chapter 7

When Feilong arrived at his appointment the next week, he seemed more relaxed. His eyes looked brighter. They were amused as they looked at Hamada and saw his expression.

"Are you going to be a sore winner, Hamada-sensei?"

Hamada laughed, pleased he was doing some good for at least one of his patients. "I have to dwell on it. I'm a psychiatrist."

"Pfft. Well at least try not to gloat."

They settled into their respective chairs and Feilong handed Hamada a small package. Hamada took it in surprise and looked at Feilong for an explanation.

"It's tea. My own blend of whites. It's quite rare, as it's made only for me."

Hamada was stunned at the gift, knowing it was priceless. "Thank you, Liu-san."

Feilong shrugged. "It's as much for me as it is for you, since I have to drink your tea as well."

Hamada laughed and rose to make some. Inside he was elated, because he knew this meant Feilong had accepted his need for treatment on a fundamental level, and that he'd stay for the duration, willingly.

He turned as he waited for the water to heat. "I take it you took my advice then? All of it?"

Feilong gave him an annoyed look. "Yes dear. No drugs except the ones _you_ give me. Beat up my men in the evening instead of the morning. It seemed to do them a world of good. I'd always heard that to train an animal you should beat it right away so it knows why it's being hurt. They've never responded so quickly to my wishes." He smirked.

Hamada shook his head and turned back to the hot water. 

"Stop!"

Feilong was behind him in an instant, a look of horror upon his face. "Do you know nothing of preparing white teas? Go. Sit."

Hamada backed away in amusement, watching the Triad boss who was so caring with his tea.

"You should use clean filtered water, not tap water, but there apparently is no choice this week. Bring some next week. The water temperature must be just so, 80-85°. If it's hotter, the tea will cook and the flavor will be destroyed. Some people boil the water first, then let it cool. I find this makes the water taste flat, and I prefer to catch it at the correct temperature before it boils. You must watch the bubbles in the water until they are the size of small beads, barely trickling from the bottom. Or in your case, I suppose one might buy a thermometer." 

Hamada strangled a laugh. Feilong's head bent over the kettle.

"And always make enough water to heat the pot." He poured some water in it and swished it around briefly before dumping it in the small sink.

"Then you pour the water over a rounded teaspoon of leaves, and let it steep four minutes." He added leaves and the properly heated water.

Feilong turned to look at Hamada sternly. "Remember, this blend requires four minutes, no matter how long people steep other white teas. Aren't you writing this down? You'll never remember."

Hamada did laugh then and wrote 'filtered water, 80 deg., heat cups, rounded tsp, 4 minutes'. Feilong looked over his shoulder to check it.

"Hmph. You're smarter than you look."

Feilong went back to the pot and removed the tea leaves. "You look like you're cheap, so you'll probably reuse the leaves."

Hamada sputtered in indignation.

"If you do, leave them in a minute longer each time."

Feilong handed him a cup and sat down with one for himself. "Ah, much better. Am I not right?"

Hamada tasted it and sighed with pleasure. "I have to admit this is wonderful tea." Hamada wasn't sure though if it was the tea or the man making it that made it taste so good. "I'll be sure to follow your instructions."

They sat a moment and sipped the tea, their thoughts private.

"Liu-san." Hamada set his cup down. "Do you agree that you feel better after taking the steps I suggested last week?"

"Yes. I won't lie to you. I've felt much more rested and relaxed this week than I've ever felt in Tokyo. Thank you for the advice."

"You're welcome. Would you be willing to listen to more advice then?"

Feilong hesitated. "I would be willing to listen, though I don't know if I'd be willing to take it."

"Fair enough. I think that you've been lashing out in anger lately because something is reminding you of your past. I've watched and listened to you talk about the night your family was killed. You were upset of course, very upset. But it seems to me that instead of dealing with it properly, in a healthy manner, you dealt with it the way many people do, by shunting it aside and ignoring it. And while ignoring problems might seem like a good way to make them go away, they never really do. They unconsciously creep into whatever we're doing, affecting everything we do, and if something suddenly reminds us of that time, they can all rush out in a very destructive manner."

Feilong looked distinctly uncomfortable at that. "So what can be done, if that is true of someone?"

"The situation can always be diffused. It's never too late to deal with it and stop it in its tracks."

Feilong sipped his tea. "How does one do that?"

"You talk about it." 

Feilong snorted.

"No, really. It's a cliché because it works. When something bad happens to people, they don't want to think about it and they push it into a dark corner. They avoid it because it makes them feel bad. In time it grows out of proportion. It's like a child being afraid of a monster in his closet. Were you ever afraid of the dark, Liu-san?"

"When I was very small."

"And how did you get over it?"

"I would run to my brother to sleep with him. And in the morning he would always take me back to my room and show me that the monster I saw was no more than a lump of clothes, or something else mundane."

"That's right. Your brother was smart. You took the monster out and looked at it in broad daylight. And it didn't scare you after that, did it? It's the same way with our pasts, Liu-san. If we take the bad memories out and talk about them enough, they don't have as much power over us any more. I can't say they don't hurt as much, because they do. But it becomes something that you control and deal with, rather than the other way around."

Feilong was quiet for a moment, thinking. "And you think that if I talk about...it, then I won't have any more of the problems I've been having.

Hamada felt a rush of compassion at the admission. He was cautious with the next question. "It will certainly help the problems that we've discussed already. What other problems do you think might be a part of this?"

Feilong was very tense; his whole body showed it. "The anger rushing out that you talked about. Sometimes, lately, I'll just get mad for no reason. I want to destroy things. Hurt people."

His mouth opened as if to say something more, but then it closed up tight.

"Go on, Liu-san. It's better to just say it."

Feilong's mouth opened, but only to suck in huge gulps of air. His fingers clenched the arms of his chair and his body trembled. Feilong was looking at him but not seeing him. 

A panic attack, and terrifying to someone who has no idea how to deal with one. Hamada quickly rose from his chair and knelt by Feilong's. He briefly wondered what specifically triggered it, but pushed that aside to deal with the present emergency. 

"Breathe slowly, Liu-san. You're just having a panic attack. Don't be afraid. That's all it is. Concentrate on your breathing. Slow it down. That's it."

Feilong's breathing slowed as he fought for control. He still shook and looked like he'd bolt from the room. His hands trembled as he clasped them in this lap, the knuckles whitening at the strain. His eyes were wide and unfocused, aimed at his lap, seeing nothing.

Hamada raised a hand to offer comfort, but then pulled it back, unsure of what Feilong's response to touch would be. Instead he tried to just use his words.

"It's a common occurrence when we confront something upsetting to us. I used to get them in medical school. It's nothing you should be ashamed of, Liu-san. It seems like it will never end when it's happening, but always remember that you're ultimately in control, and that it will end, as it's always done before. And this has happened before, hasn't it?"

Feilong's gaze was still lost, but he heard. His voice was harsher than usual as he answered. "Yes. More and more lately." A breath. "It just happens and I can't control it." Another breath.

"It's all part of the same problem, and it _can_ be controlled, and also prevented until you don't get them anymore. We can do it with medicine, or I can try teaching you other ways to be aware of when they're coming and cut them off before they start to overwhelm you. Keep your breathing even. Feel each of your muscles and make them relax. Was this what you were going to tell me about before it occurred? That you have panic attacks? Because if you were it's OK. See, we're dealing with it. I'll teach you how to deal with it on your own."

Feilong just sat there, his hair a black veil around his lowered face. For a moment it seemed he'd been gaining, but his hands again gripped the chair arms and his breathing quickened.

Hamada decided to try another tactic. "Liu-san, I think I need some more tea. Do you think you might watch me make it, to make sure I'm doing it correctly?"

Feilong's eyes slowly dragged back to Hamada's and he nodded and stood, following Hamada to the small kitchen area. They started going through the ritual of tea making.

Hamada looked in the kettle. "Is the water hot enough now?

"Hmm....? No.... No, there are hardly any bubbles."

Hamada started scooping big spoonfuls of tea into the pot.

Feilong blinked. "Don't put the tea in yet! The pot hasn't even been warmed. And that's too much tea! I thought you were paying attention earlier. No one could be this stupid."

Feilong realized that he was right. "You're making mistakes on purpose to distract me."

Hamada shrugged. "It worked." He gave Feilong a smug look. "Now watch me do it the right way." And he made the tea perfectly. 

They stood by the counter sipping the tea. Feilong put the cup down. "Would you turn me in Hamada-san, if something was wrong with me?"

Hamada thought about all the possible meanings of that. "I can't just tell you no, you must realize that. If you had plans to kill people, I would try to stop you. But for something in your past... No. I wouldn't turn you in. What is it, Liu-san? Did you hurt someone?"

Feilong searched his eyes a long time before answering. He must have come to a decision because there was no longer uncertainty in his own eyes. Pain, yes, but no hesitation.

"There are two answers to that. Yes, and I don't know. Yes, I have been hurting people with greater frequency. Though I've not killed anyone yet because of _that_." 

He laughed weakly and continued. "And I don't know. There are times when I fall into a rage and I don't know what happens. I come back and damage is done."

Feilong closed his eyes, concentrating on getting the words out. Hamada heard a world of pain with each one. "I'm afraid. That I'm going crazy. I've been so afraid that it will happen and I'll hurt Tao. I don't want to hurt Tao. And I don't want to be locked away somewhere. I can't be locked away again. I just want it to stop."

He turned to Hamada, desperation in his eyes. "If you could make it stop, I would make you a wealthy man. I've seen you look at my body. I would offer it in return for this. Whatever you wish for, Hamada-sensei, I would see that you get it."

Hamada's chest ached from the emotions filling it. He could only imagine how much Feilong had to be suffering to make him offer those things, and he hurt with him. But he also felt an incredible joy that he'd been given a chance to help him put an end to it. "What I wish for Liu-san, above all else, is to see you healed. If we work together it _will_ happen. You have to be open and willing to talk, and willing to listen as well. Even if you don't like what I have to say. Will you?"

Feilong's eyes held a determination that spoke volumes. "I will do this."

"Good. You realize you've taken an enormous positive step today? You should be proud of yourself." 

A slight blush flew across Feilong's cheeks. Hamada's hands tightened around the teacup, and he made himself walk back to their chairs. He cleared his throat.

"Now, for the rest of today I'd like to focus on relaxation techniques. You know how to meditate, correct?"

Feilong nodded. "It was a regular part of my upbringing. I've gotten away from the practice."

"Get back into it. Get used to sliding into a place of complete calm, where you're safe and can observe without fear. You need to do it enough so that it becomes second nature. If you feel a panic attack coming on or get tense and angry for no reason, send yourself to that place. Take a few minutes to meditate and watch how you are responding. It will be much easier to change your path to something healthy. It takes some practice before it becomes easy to do, but it does become easy to do. Will you work on that?"

"I will."

"Good. Let's practice some of it now together, and I'll make suggestions as we go that may be helpful. There are a number of different ways to approach this, and we can try each one to find one that's best for you. Would you be more comfortable in the chair or on the floor?"

Feilong looked at the floor. "Do you have anything clean to place upon it?"

Hamada rolled his eyes, "Oh for...." He went to a cabinet and got out a blanket that he spread on the floor.

Feilong gracefully sank down upon it, assuming a lotus position.

Hamada grinned. "You look much better sitting there than the dogs that were shedding on it over the weekend." He laughed at Feilong's look of outrage. "I'm joking! Now...."

And he sat on the floor across from Feilong, helping him hone his techniques toward his specific problems for the rest of the session.

"..... and those are only two of the ways you can deal with this. Over the next few weeks we'll add more to your repertoire, so you have a whole slew of weapons to fight back with." He winced at his terminology even as Feilong snickered. "Oh grow up, Liu-san."

He grabbed his notepad and wrote on it, tearing the page off and giving it to Feilong. "For times when you're not here, this is my cell phone number. Set it up on your speed dial. If you feel like nothing is working, call me immediately, anytime day or night. And we'll get through it without hurting you or anyone else."

As Feilong was leaving that day, he hesitated at the door, then bowed slightly. "Thank you, sensei." 

The door closed quietly behind him and Hamada sank into his chair, feeling a sense of accomplishment he hadn't felt in years. For once it wasn't arrogance telling him that they could beat this. It was his belief in Feilong's commitment, and Feilong's belief in him.


	8. Chapter 8

The phone in Asami's office rang. He answered and listened. 

"Let me know if anything unusual happens."

Once again Takaba surprised him. He was keeping his appointment. 

He turned in his chair and looked out over the city. The window had been repaired the next day, but he still saw the crack in his mind. The memory of the night that caused it wouldn't leave him. The anger was still there, but he was unwilling to do anything with it, not with the boy. Something about it made him uneasy, made him a little unsure of himself.

_Besides, I don't need to get involved, not when Hamada can easily deal with it_ , he told himself.

_After all, it's Hamada's fault. I had nothing to do with his problem_ , he told himself.

_That's a lie_ , he told himself. 

But his hearing was selective, and that last was shunted aside and quickly forgotten.

He blew out a puff of air at his useless thoughts and, turning his back to the window, faced the day's work instead.

 

**

 

Takaba strode into Hamada's office and leaned against the desk where Hamada was working.

"We appear to have a problem, Hamada-san."

Hamada leaned back in his chair and took in the changes. He noted the new brightness in Takaba's eyes, the incredible self-assurance, his adult-like attitude, the overall appearance of calm and poise. Hamada hadn't been at the top of his graduating class for nothing. Either a miracle had occurred, or Takaba had done an impressive amount of repressing the week he'd been gone.

"I agree, although in fact I think we have several."

Takaba shrugged. "You're right, we do. But here's the biggest. If you ever tell Asami Ryuichi another thing about what passed between us, this whole city will be talking about your interesting methods of treatment."

Hamada now understood Asami's annoyance at this new Takaba. Asami wouldn't enjoy being faced with a clone of himself. Hamada didn't enjoy it much either and was more terse than usual.

"It's interesting that you mention Asami's name while using his same threats. But there's no need for you to threaten anyone, Takaba-kun . As long as you show up for you appointments I won't need to ask someone to find you."

Takaba leaned forward and slammed his palms on the desktop.

"Takaba- _san_ , Hamada- _sensei_. And don't even try to shift your responsibility for your actions onto me. You didn't go to the police because you were scared they'd dig a little and start to question your practice. I wonder what else you have to hide. I can't imagine we're your only dirty little secrets. You chose to call Asami to cover your ass."

Hamada bit his tongue and reminded himself that this was really all his fault. He reminded himself of how worried he'd been, and still was for the boy. He reminded himself that he was a doctor, not a self-indulgent gangster, and it was up to him to diffuse the problem. He rested his forehead on his hands and sighed, letting his rising anger go.

"You're right of course Takaba-san, but only partially right. Yes, I wanted to cover my mistake. I apologize for that. But I _was_ very worried about you, and I didn't think getting the police mad at you would help things."

"Oh, and getting Asami mad did?"

Hamada looked up in surprise into Takaba's furious eyes. "He was angry? What am I saying? Of course he was. I just thought.... No, I didn't think. At that point I didn't know what to do. I was worn. I'd spent days combing the city for word of you. I felt like I had no other option if I wanted to find you. I'm sorry if the choice was wrong, but I saw no other way. Regardless of how improperly I behaved, you must believe that I do want to help you. I had no idea of the connection between you and Asami-san before you yourself told me, so by then it was too late. I'd like to add that it will never happen again. It... it wasn't what you think."

Takaba still looked angry, but Hamada could see it fading. It was hard to pick a fight with someone who only apologized and didn't fight back. Now if only he could convince him to stay and talk.

Hamada stood up and gestured towards the chairs. "Takaba-san, why don't we go sit down and talk about it?"

Takaba hesitated, still scowling a little. He obviously hadn't intended to be reasonable today.

"I'd like a chance to explain," Hamada continued. "I don't want things left this way between us. It was my fault. Would you give me a chance to, if not set it right, at least make it better?" 

Takaba still didn't move, but his face became more confused than stubborn.

"I bought a new chair." Hamada's cheeks grew a little warm.

Takaba started, then sighed. "Enshrining the old one in your bedroom?"

Hamada laughed a little, embarrassed because he'd briefly considered it. "Ah, no. I gave it away to charity. After I had it cleaned."

Takaba gazed at him a moment and came to a decision. "Okay, Hamada-san. I'll listen. Just this once."

They sat down, Takaba a little gingerly in the new chair, and just stared at each other a moment. Not at all awkward, Hamada thought, as he quickly tried to gather his thoughts.

Takaba leaned back and crossed his legs. "Well, what did you want to tell me?"

Hamada would tell him, in a moment. First he wanted to try to get some answers about what had happened to him. He decided to be straightforward for once, because he didn't think that Takaba would put up with any games today.

"What did you do while you were gone, Takaba-san, to bring about this change in yourself?"

That got him a smile, and Takaba proudly gestured toward his body with his hands. "Do you like it? I'm very happy with the new me."

Hamada wasn't going to let him evade the question. "It's interesting. As a psychiatrist, I'm curious about how someone could make such an incredible turn around. What happened? The last time I saw you, you were running out of here in tears."

Takaba made a face. "Yeah, I was pretty pitiful. I guess I should thank you, because if you hadn't had your little fling, I'd never have realized how pitiful I was."

Hamada ignored the fling comment. "What do you think was pitiful about yourself?"

"My old self. Seriously Hamada-san. You're a psychiatrist and you have to ask? The way I responded to them. The way I let them control my life and thoughts. I just decided to take my life back."

Hamada was beginning to wonder if he'd made a mistake in his initial theory. Maybe Takaba was sane again and Asami was just pissed that he wasn't under his thumb any more. But Takaba's thick new skin just seemed... wrong. 

"I'm impressed. You seem much more together than you were before. Can you tell me what the process was that you went through? There might even be something I could use with other patients."

Takaba's eyes narrowed. "I don't think so. I'm not playing your games so you can dig into my head again. Did you tell him what I said? Are you reporting to him now?"

That caught him off guard, especially since it wasn't untrue, and Hamada started to stammer a reply until Takaba cut him off.

"You know what? I couldn't care less what you tell him. You can tell him everything that happens in here. Because for one, I'm not planning on telling you anything, and two, if I did let something slip, he wouldn't be able to understand it." Takaba leaned forward. "But he will."

Hamada blinked at the threat. "Takaba-san –"

"No." Takaba cut him off again. That was starting to annoy him. Apparently rudeness was also a part of the new and improved Takaba. "I think I've told you enough about myself. I want to hear more about you. What did you mean it wasn't what I thought? Your thing with Asami?"

Hamada was frustrated, but he had to keep the young man here and talking. He didn't think Asami would care if he told what happened if it helped ‘fix' Takaba. Besides, it might form a link between Takaba and him if he heard the truth. He just wasn't looking forward to this. Admitting to failure, especially such a severe and personal one, wasn't something he was used to. He set his clipboard aside and stared at Takaba's hard eyes a moment. He sighed. 

"My 'thing'. Well it wasn't romantic, or even spur of the moment, at least for him. It was like it was choreographed. He knew exactly what he was going to do, how and when and why. He locked the door on the way in – I missed that. He started in on power games immediately, trying to take control of the situation. He was very flirtatious. He must have known I was gay. He'd done a lot of research on me. It was heady, the attention from him. I was incredibly flattered, and very aroused. But I wasn't going to do anything about it! I still had a responsibility."

He laughed a little at this, bitterly.

"But he read every sign, every weakness. Within minutes I was on my back, lost to it."

Hamada paused, and his lips pressed tightly together. He did not want to tell anyone about this, this moment when his world fell apart, but he continued, for Takaba.

"We got so far and he stopped and made me tell him in detail what I wanted. It was sexy, the control he exerted." He pushed the sentences out. "I told him. He did it. It was incredible. Then it was over."

He paused again and stared at the floor a while. Takaba shifted in the other chair as if to say something, but Hamada held up a hand to stop him.

"Let me get this all out. Afterwards I was exultant. This incredible man was mine! And in seconds it all crashed down around me. He pulled out the recorder he'd had on and played part of it back, the part where I'd asked him to fuck me." 

He heard Takaba's gasp. 

"Yes, it was... a shock, to say the least. You see, he didn't want to attend therapy and he wanted me to sign off on him, and he wanted to make sure I did what he said. Well, I'm weak that way. I wasn't going to try to stand up to him and let all my life's hard work be ruined. So I signed. And through it all, well for most of it, he was as charming as hell. He told me to call him, can you believe that? It the States they called that chutzpah."

Takaba tried to get his Japanese around that. "Huutsupaa?"

Hamada's eyes softened at the young man and he smiled slightly. "The traditional example of a person with chutzpah is a man who's on trial for killing his parents throwing himself on the mercy of the court because he's an orphan."

Takaba laughed shortly. "That's Asami. Shameless."

Hamada smiled bitterly in agreement. This hurt more than he'd thought it would. Asami might be shameless, but Hamada was overwhelmed with it. His eyes shifted, unable to look at Takaba as he continued. "But even while he was being charming, he also said some cutting things, very cutting. And very truthful. About my arrogance and condescension. That's the thing about him isn't it? He kills you with truth."

"Yeah," Takaba said quietly. He quickly added, "But you have to realize, that a lot of the time it's _his_ truth."

Hamada looked up. "What do you mean?"

"Asami, he'll shape and control people and situations until he gets the truth he wants. It doesn't necessarily mean that it's true when he's not there pulling the strings. Whatever he said about you, it might not be as bad as you think."

Hamada's eyes filled at this show of kindness from a young man who had every reason to despise him.

"Thank you, Takaba-san, " he said quietly. "That's really kind of you to say. I can't tell you how much it means."

Takaba shifted a bit. "Uh, it's no big deal. I just don't like seeing him twist people that way. " 

Hamada realized how he could break through to him.

"But it was really helpful to me. Do you think we might talk about it more over the next couple weeks? I can't really talk about this to anyone else, and, well, I think I need to. I suppose it's chutzpah on my part to ask...?"

Takaba snorted. "Yeah, it is." 

Hamada watched Takaba think for a little while, his heart fighting his new brittle shell. 

Takaba stood up abruptly, seemingly not too happy with himself. "OK. Fine. I don't have anything better to do. I'm not sure how I can help, but if you think I can, I'll try. I'll be here next week."

He turned to leave, but he stopped and asked, "What charity?"

Hamada was confused.

Takaba sighed. "What charity did you give the chair to?"

Hamada felt a pang. Takaba had been thinking about the old chair that whole time. He wouldn't be able to deny his feelings for Asami for long if they were that strong. "Oh that. I gave it to a home that a friend of mine runs for teenage mothers. I donated it in Asami's name. I need to send him the receipt for his taxes."

"There's something so right about the thought of babies puking all over it." Takaba started laughing as he left the office, and Hamada listened to it as it faded, thinking it sounded more like Takaba was laughing at himself. 

Today had been hard. Harder than anything he'd had to do for a long time. But he now realized that his failures were only making it easier to understand the people he was trying to help. People, not just minds to unravel and put back together. God, he'd been so arrogant.

He thought about Takaba, who was so much more than just a puzzle. Takaba couldn't help but care about the people around him, and people felt that and responded. Hamada could learn something from that. 

He thought too about the last few moments with Takaba and the battle he saw in his eyes. His natural warmth was already winning out over his fake cold exterior. He'd never last any other way. Hamada didn't think it would take much to make him see the error of his ways. He just had to keep him in the office and talking. And he would do that by any means, even if it meant baring his soul completely.

He stood up and went back to his desk. Hamada knew Asami would be waiting to hear from him, so he may as well get it over with. He counted six rings this time before Asami finally answered.

"Asami-san. So courteous. Were you keeping yourself from answering to prove your self control? So silly when I know you're waiting by the phone."

Hamada held the phone away from his ear and smiled. He couldn't help but feel a little gratification. It was so easy once you knew his weak spot.

"Yes, he just left. He said he would return next week."

He set Takaba's folder on his desk, opening it so he could make his notes.

"It went well. We found we have something in common, and that forged a bond between us."

There was a lump under his papers. He lifted them.

"Oh you're such a wit. Let me rephrase your words: We've both been fucked _over_ by you."

Oh. Feilong's folder.

"I'm not going to tell you anymore than that. I guess a little of Takaba's new attitude spilled over into me, because I'm not going to let him down again, no matter what that tape says. And if you want to see him healed, you'll leave it at that."

He looked at Takaba's folder, then Feilong's.

"Yes, I think I can, but it will be difficult work that takes awhile. He's been a punching bag long enough and needs to recover, so you're going to have to leave him alone while it happens."

It hit him in a flash. Now he knew what he had to do. 

"Because you're the reason he's digging in with this. You know how stubborn he can be. If you show up and start pushing, he's never going to be whole again."

"Well goodbye to you too." Asami needed to learn some phone etiquette.

Hamada sat at his desk, feeling better about himself than he had in weeks. He wondered what Asami would do when he found out not only the method he was going to use to heal Takaba, but just what ‘healing' meant. Takaba was never going to be the controlled boy he used to be. He was much better off with his new strength. He just needed some things underneath patched up. 

_And when he is healed, he'll have a strength that might even crack that wall of Asami's._ Hamada smiled and started writing.

 

**

 

Unable to concentrate on work, Asami was once again staring at the world outside of his office, the setting sun reflecting on the warped glass of the high-rise across the street and into his eyes. He got up and paced back and forth a few times along the window, mind gravitating toward the call. Hamada was right. Takaba was stubborn. If he moved on him now it would only end up breaking him, and he didn't want that. No, he'd give it a few weeks. He paused. It wasn't as if he had to see the boy. He could indulge with other lovers, other work.

There was plenty to keep him busy.

He turned and picked up the phone. "Kirishima. That hit I was considering on the Fumimori. Set it up as a go...."

"No, I don't have new information. What we have is enough. Someone needs to teach those bastards a lesson. And that would be me...."

"Yes, I'm going in personally. Arrange enough men for adequate backup...."

"Are you presuming to question my judgment? ... I didn't think so. Let me know when the preparations are ready."

He hung up and smiled a terrifying smile, anticipating the night's carnage. 

 

**

 

Takaba would sleep safely in the weeks to come, unaware that he was the reason the Tokyo underworld was feeling the unleashed wrath of his demon lover.


	9. Chapter 9

Feilong sat in the back of the car that was taking him to his latest appointment with Hamada, thinking about all that had happened in the sessions recently. Several weeks had passed since he had agreed to start taking the sessions seriously. They'd spent a great deal of time talking about and practicing techniques he could use to combat the problems he was having, techniques that seemed to be helping. Hamada had mentioned medication, but Feilong couldn't afford the side effects. He had to stay alert in his line of work or he'd die. So learning to control his mind and body had been the route they went, to control but not suppress. 

He'd already been extremely disciplined because of his martial arts, so it hadn't been difficult mastering the skills Hamada had presented. What was more challenging was putting them into practice. The panic attacks he was managing. But he hadn't had a black out for a couple of months. He was hoping it was a good sign, but he still wasn't sure if and when another occurred what exactly would happen.

Hamada said talking would help. They had spoken during the sessions of course, talking about general things, about work, about his family while he grew up, memories of his parents. His brother. That had been a particularly uncomfortable talk. 

But they'd all been working up to that night. He had avoided mentioning Asami. He thought Hamada had guessed there was a tie between the two events. They'd spoken a little of Takaba, Hamada rebuking him for his treatment of the boy. He hadn't really wanted to hurt Takaba, but rather Asami. He hadn't wanted to talk about it last week though, and fortunately the time had been up and he could make an escape before he could be questioned more. But he knew what questions would be waiting for him this week, and he wasn't looking forward to it. Enough so that he'd gotten little sleep, even with the use of the sleeping pills he'd been taking.

There was no getting away from the fact though that whatever Hamada had suggested had been helping him, so he was determined to see this through. It was a long time since he had depended on anyone's suggestions, he thought. In fact, it had been almost eight years.

 

**

 

Hamada tried to make the office as peaceful a place as possible, closing the blinds, dimming the harsher lights. He knew today would be a difficult day. 

There was a knock, and Feilong entered. Today he looked like he hadn't slept at all the night before. His eyes were red with dark circles under them.

"I know. I look like a ghoul. I didn't sleep. I took three of those pills you gave me and I still didn't sleep. I even beat up one of my men, and even that didn't make me feel better." 

There was a ghost of a smile.

Hamada gestured to the chair. "You didn't call this week. Are you going to try to tell me that you didn't have any problems at all?"

He set the perfectly-made tea down by Feilong.

Feilong took a sip and his eyes widened. "Well done. You finally got filtered water." He shifted. "No, I'm not going to try to tell you that. I wanted to try to handle it on my own. I won't have a baby-sitter."

"I'd hardly be that Liu-san." Hamada sat down in his chair. "You know, depending on someone isn't a sign of weakness."

"Of course it is!" Feilong shot back. "What happens when they leave you and you can't stand without them? You're weak, that's what! True strength means being able to stand alone."

"True strength means not basing your actions on fears of what might be. Which means letting yourself depend upon people on occasion, and not letting your fear of betrayal drive you into a corner. You're being pushed into a life of loneliness. Tell me, how's that strong?" His tone was a little strident.

"Fear has nothing to do with it. I'm practical, accepting reality. To imagine otherwise is to live in a world of fairy tales."

"It's a fairy tale to have a friend?" Hamada couldn't believe this.

"Is that how you see yourself, sensei? My friend?" The cutting tone was back.

"I'm your doctor! One who's concerned about the way you look at life." He slammed his teacup back on the table. "Dammit Feilong, this isn't the way I wanted to start this session!"

"I never gave you permission to use my name!"

He blew a breath out and ran a hand through his hair. "Sorry. Liu-san."

"Oh forget it, just call me Feilong. It's what you call me in your head anyway, isn't it? What do you call Asami anyway?"

"A bastard."

Feilong's laugh burst into the room. 

"I shouldn't have said that." But Hamada chuckled anyway. The tension was no longer crackling through the room. "I'm sorry Liu- I mean Feilong. Can we start this again? I think we were both tense about today."

Feilong actually looked sheepish. "It's been a long week."

Hamada looked him over with a doctor's eye. "Just how many panic attacks did you go through?"

"Several. But I got through them and controlled them. They hadn't been as bad lately, until this week when the tension got high again. But I still dealt with them." Feilong looked a little proud of himself.

And he should be, Hamada thought, if he weathered all that. "You did well then. What about periods of memory loss?"

"There still weren't any. Sometimes there are long stretches of time between them."

Hamada was relieved. "That's good. Since you didn't have any of those, and you seem to be doing well with the panic attacks on your own, there wasn't any need to call me. I agree. You made the right decision."

A pleased expression appeared on Feilong's face, quickly followed by a scowl. "Of course I made the right decision. I'm good at decisions. I'm not running a successful corporation for nothing."

Hamada laughed. Feilong was acting like a grumpy child who was ready to be put down for a nap. Maybe he'd be able to manage one after today.

"You know what I want to ask you about."

Feilong scowled. "I know. And I'd prefer not to talk about it."

"Even if it means never getting better? We've exhausted all other topics except your sex life, and I have to admit I'm rather curious about that. Would you like to get into that today? I'll definitely take notes." Hamada wriggled his eyebrows.

Feilong thought for a few seconds. "It would be better if we did not discuss that, especially since you are so lecherous. I would merely be fueling some secret fantasy of yours and I'd prefer not to have to wonder what you're doing with my notes at two in the morning. But just for the sake of making you uncomfortable: no underwear."

"What???" Hamada squeaked. And looked at Feilong's crotch. And looked away quickly.

"Hmm? I didn't say anything. You must be imagining things."

"You look entirely too smug. I heard what you said. How am I supposed to concentrate on this session now?"

"Discipline, sensei. May I recommend some techniques? I know a lot of techniques." Feilong smirked. 

Hamada blushed. "I'll bet you do. No, I think I've heard enough to keep me sleepless for several days, thank you."

Hamada knew they were being silly, but the tension was gone. He was hoping the easy atmosphere would last a bit longer.

"So now that we've discussed as much of your sex life as I can without fainting, why don't we talk about Asami? How did you meet him?"

 

Feilong wasn't sure how to answer this. It would be stupid to lie. If he planned on talking anyway, it would only help if he told the truth. Perhaps he could avoid the question somehow. But he knew that was a bad idea as well. Hadn't he been avoiding this for years, and wasn't that what caused all the problems in the first place?

He looked up at Hamada, green eyes showing understanding as he waited patiently as usual. He remembered his promise to him. He remembered why he made the promise, because of Tao. And, he had to admit, for his own peace of mind. 

Just this once. He could talk about it just this once. It couldn't be that bad, could it? He steadied his nerves. He could force the words out and not feel anything. He could do this. 

"I met him eight years ago in Hong Kong." 

Hamada drew in a sharp breath. 

"Yes, it's just what you're thinking. He was involved in the death of my family. He was the one responsible – no, he did it, but I was the one responsible because I trusted him and let him in."

His hands were already shaking as he picked up his teacup and swallowed some of the delicate brew. 

"We met on a night I was feeling particularly vulnerable. I'd just finished a mission. The assassination had been fine, but the man's dog had bitten my hand. My brother and father of course, focused on the failure rather than the success." 

That, he thought bitterly, was the real cause of all of it. They'd never considered his pride.

"I was sent out on another mission that night though, to deal with an upstart from Japan who was trying to steal some business out from under my family."

"It was Asami. Of course, he dealt with the men I'd sent upstairs, then he had the gall to invite me up to talk. I was bored and tired, and sick of being considered a failure. I thought if I went I could do something. So I went up there and he read me perfectly. He knew just what buttons to push. He called me a puppet, which was just what I'd been feeling. My hand, it was hurt where the dog bit it, and he fixed it like I was the child next door and sent me home. Doing what a father should. He was looking to sow discord, only I didn't know it at the time. Instead, I believed what he said."

He remembered how much faith he'd put in those words. He tried to gather calm and continued.

"I tried to tell my brother about his words, and Yan, well, I told you how his behavior to me had changed. He accused me of a sexual liaison with Asami. He was so jealous, though for once he had a right to be. But he had no right to touch me the way he did. I almost killed him. But father stopped me. Stopped _me_ and punished _me_ and dismissed _me_."

Feilong had tears in his eyes, remembering the injustice of it. Even now it hurt.

"My father's opinion meant everything to me, and I thought I had nothing from him but disdain. I knew he'd never accept me as his son. I left the house, unable to stand being there any longer, but I had nowhere to go. So I wandered and ended up at a local bar. One that Asami happened to be at as well. I drank too much and passed out and Asami took me back to his room. When I woke up, I was lost and confused."

His voice became bitter, matching his memories.

"He was so very smooth, and he played me again like a master. He told me I was worth something, that I should develop some ambition because the family would split anyway, that I shouldn't work for my brother if he insulted me, that I should get rid of him. Looking back, I see what he was doing, trying to ruin us and split us because we'd be less of an obstacle to his business. But then, I was so young. I thought I'd found someone who _did_ see true value in me. I was such a fool for believing his words."

He wiped away some tears. He looked at them on his hand as he talked, wondering where they'd come from.

"I followed along with him on some business that night. I was interested in him, tempted by him. I didn't understand. He would be brutal one minute, then caring the next. I only chose to notice the caring. I sucked it in, because I was so starved for affection. When my brother's men started chasing us because I refused to obey his orders, I took Asami back to one of my houses. I had decided to betray my family, and set up a deal with Asami. I...I wanted to set up a relationship with him. One that would last, and leave us allies, and perhaps more."

Feilong remembered how much he'd craved the older man's attention. He'd have given anything for him at that point, simply because he'd been the only man to truly see something of worth in him.

"He told me that Tou, my father's old friend who had betrayed him, wanted to set up a deal with me instead. When I went to meet with him, he said he wanted to install me as the head of our syndicate. I had no idea why at the time. You see, he was my real father. I was never told this. I was always told that I was the illegitimate son of Liu, and treated as a second class citizen in his house. " 

Yan's voice echoed, _You're lucky you're even allowed to stay here Fei. But I'll take care of you._

"But as I said, I knew nothing of this, and I wanted nothing to do with Tou. We left there, Asami and I, and I realized he was in league with Tou all along. I was about to leave him, when my brother and his men surrounded us. There was a fight. During it, Asami saved my life. Twice. My brother, he did nothing to help me. That sealed fate."

Feilong thought it meant love, when you protected someone. _I wanted to protect him too..._

"He'd taken a knife through his hand for me. I took him home again and treated it. I kept questioning his motives. I ...wanted to hear that he cared about me. I convinced myself that he did. I was falling in love. He was doing things no one had done before, protecting me, taking care of me. I _so_ wanted him to love me. I kept watching his face, trying to get closer, trying to see something in it, but he never said anything. He never said he didn't though. He knew what was happening. He let me believe it. He was far more experienced than I."

Feilong ached for the boy he had been. The poor naïve fool, who thought that love was possible for him.

"Then a young lover of his came by to warn him of trouble. I hadn't known he was gay, that a relationship was really possible. I was so jealous. I kept trying to get him to say something. But he only said I wasn't his type. That didn't help. I'd never thought of any man that way, but I felt like I'd do anything for him, even the unforgivable."

Feilong paused and took another sip of tea. His hands were shaking noticeably. The cup rattled as he set it back down. He was getting close, and it was like fighting his way upstream against a torrent of emotion. Numb. He had to stay numb.

"My...my brother sent word that my father's health had taken a bad turn. I had to go to him. He was the only one, I thought, who might ever love me. I knew it was a trap, but I had to go. But Asami wouldn't let me. Asami, he.... I...I... "

Feilong broke. He buried his face in his hands, unable to continue. But a moment later, he looked up, eyes wild and angry. His voice was harsh, his breathing hard, and sparkling tears flew as he shook his head. He pushed the words out.

"He started to make love to me to keep me there. I thought... "

_I thought it meant love... Why, Asami?_

"Never mind what I thought. Let's just say he played me once again. He made me believe in him, then he did whatever he could to stop me from interfering with his plans. When I woke up I ran to the house, trying to sneak in, but my brother caught me. He...was just as bad as Asami when it came to using me. He wanted me, and locked me away for later. Only things went wrong for him. Servants let me out, and I found both of them shot. Yan and Father. Yan told me how Asami had come and tried to kill them."

"I couldn't believe it. I knew he wouldn't do such a thing. I cared for him. He cared for me."

 _Asami? Why?_ His chest still ached at not knowing the answers. 

"I ran into the study. My father. He was there. In a pool of blood. On the floor. My father. Dying because of me. Because of me...."

He was panicking again. Control. Breathe.

_Father...._

"My father lay there dying and he told me he was proud of me and he cared about me. My father cared about me, and he'd never told me until I was covered with his blood..."

_Deep red, slick at first, sticking as it cooled._

"We could finally say it. But it was too late. We'd wasted our whole lives not knowing how the other felt. It was too late." 

He wrapped his arms around his waist, the only kind of hug he knew how to receive.

"He robbed me of all that. Asami, because he wanted power, or money, or maybe he just liked to fuck people's lives up. I don’t know why. But he robbed us, me, and Yan and my father..."

His voice was cracking with the pain.

"But then, back then, I still didn't believe it. I held on to whatever feelings I had for him, because it was the only thing I had left. And I ran out into the rain, and he carried me home." 

_Didn't that mean he cared? Why would he do it if he didn't care?_

"I don't know what he wanted. To use me as his puppet after that. When I woke up I overheard him talking with Tou. That's when I found out that Tou was my father. Not my real father, but the seed I came from. He planned all of this to set me up as his puppet. And Asami was working with him. I went to that room, planning to shoot Tou. I wasn't going to let Tou live, but I let Asami talk me out of shooting, and as I lowered my gun he shot me in the heart." 

He laughed, a pitiful sound.

"In my heart. It's funny isn't it? That he broke it in so many ways all at once."

He rubbed the left side of his chest, breathing heavily. The deepest wound had never healed.

"Because that was when it all came clear to me. All his plans, all his machinations, all he had done to make me believe in him. It was all leading to that moment. Later I found out he killed Tou as well. The whole of Hong Kong was then his to use. Such a simple plan. Play the son of Liu for a fool and destroy their family from the inside. And yet I couldn't even shoot him because I still felt he had been kind to me."

His hands now clenched into fists, anger pushing through the pain of betrayal. 

"And now he sits here and smugly rules Tokyo. With his lover. Happy. Having destroyed my life, my family, he walked away without a second glance, without another word. He left me alive in a hell, without friends, without family, with a bullet hole in me, rotting in jail. He left me and he lives here happily with his little Takaba."

His voice was harsh. "I want him to pay. I want him to suffer. I want him to cry every time he finds his boy's broken body. I want to destroy everything that has meaning to him. And leave him to live without it. Alone, in pain, a bullet hole in him. He'll pay. If I have anything to do with it, he'll pay every day of his life."

Feilong was breathing too fast. His eyes were wide open but fixed on nothing in the room. He was done talking. He didn't have to find words anymore. He started to loose the reins on his emotions.

 

Hamada brought over fresh tea and crouched by the side of his chair. "Feilong. I'm so sorry. What you've told me today. It's a horrible thing. I wish we didn't have to dredge up such painful memories. But if you don't drain a wound, it will only get worse."

The cup Feilong was holding crashed to the floor and he followed falling to his knees, staring at his hand. "No. No! Why are you doing this, Asami? Why are you helping with my wound? What do you hope to gain? Answer me! You owe me that. Why are you just standing there silently? Talk to me damn you!" 

Feilong hunched over like a fetus and started grinding his fists into the floor, into the shards of the tea cup, leaving blood running along his arms. Hamada tried to grab his wrist but was flung aside, blood flying through the air. Feilong's voice was raw, ripping from his throat, pain as fresh as the day it had happened.

"Why are you just looking at me? I'll make you talk. I'll make you respond. I'll hurt you so much you have to. I deserve answers! Tell me why. I won't put up with the silence any more!"

The cuts were getting deeper as he started pounding into the glass. Some large pieces were lodged in his hands. 

"Feilong. Snap out of it. Feilong! Can you hear me? Asami's not here. You're in my office. Remember what I taught you about controlling these things. Concentrate. Can you feel the pain in your hands, in both of them? You're losing blood. You need to come back."

Hamada ran to the door and called his secretary. "Kurata-san, get my car, bring it around front. You need to drive us to the hospital." He ran back to Feilong, kneeling by him, careful to avoid the glass.

Feilong was huddled on the floor, shaking, his voice pitiful. "Speak to me... You owe me..."

Hamada spoke in the only voice he would hear. "Feilong. It's Asami. Are you listening?"

Feilong stilled, tense, wary. "I'm listening."

"Your hands are bleeding. We need to get them fixed. Then you can get your answers. Come with me."

"No, I don't trust you." It came out in a growl.

"Feilong, don't you want to know the answers? I'll give them to you, once your hands are fixed. You know that's important to me, to fix your hands, don't you?"

Feilong paused, remembering. "Yes, I don't understand why, but it is important to you." Feilong stood up to go, then immediately collapsed. "Kurata! Screw the car, call an ambulance!"

 

**

 

Hamada sat by Feilong for the rest of the day. He told them it was an accident with his tea service. They didn't really believe him, but since he was the doctor in charge, they couldn't do much else. They gave Feilong a sedative, stitched the larger wounds and bandaged the rest and left him to rest in a room with only Hamada watching. 

\--

It was late when Feilong started to wake up. At first he was confused, drifting in and out of sleep. But finally, shortly before midnight, he awoke, himself and calm. As if a valve had released some of the pressure he'd held inside.

He looked around the room and spotted Hamada scrunched in a chair, reading under the dim table lamp. He sighed. He felt very tired. He knew he'd blacked out again. His hands were in pain. His voice came out in a croak. "Hamada-san."

Hamada jumped up and moved to the bed. He picked up some water and raised Feilong's head to help him drink some, then lay his head back down. "How are you feeling?"

Feilong tried to laugh but couldn't manage. "Terrible. I thought talking was supposed to make me feel better, not like I got hit by a truck. But I feel strangely calm."

Hamada smiled. "They sedated you, insisted upon it. But at least you still have a sense of humor. That's something after today. It just proves how strong you are. Do you remember what happened?"

Feilong hesitated, not wanting to admit the failure, but he'd never been short on courage. "I was talking, quite upset. Then I finished and you started saying something. Then I heard Asami. Or I saw him, and that's all I remember. He wasn't there, was he?"

"No Feilong, you were having a flashback. We had opened up the gates by having you talk about it, then something I said set you off. I think it was about cleaning a wound." He looked at Feilong closely.

Feilong remembered. "It was what he said the first night we met. When he sliced into my infected hand. Is that the sort of thing that triggers a flashback?"

"Yes, a feeling, a phrase, even a smell, can cause one. And since you have started talking about it you may be a little more prone to them for a while. It strikes some people that way, if your talking is making you relive the memories closely. It will eventually fade away, as we work through them and you learn to deal with the emotions they evoke. Do you remember, when you were in it, did you hear my voice? Did you have any understanding that you weren't really there?"

"I thought I heard you. I was confused. Nothing made sense. Asami was just standing there and I was shouting at him, and I could hear a dim voice and feel pain in my hands."

"I know this may be difficult, but in the future, if you concentrate on what seems out of place, it can help pull you out of them. Think of patterns that make you concentrate, like counting numbers by threes, or if you can see, trace patterns on the walls with your eyes. If someone's voice can be heard, and you know it doesn't belong, concentrate on that, and it will help pull you out of it as well. It takes practice, but it becomes easier as you identify what works for you best."

"I'm trying to remember this, but I'm quite tired. I don't suppose you can come see me tomorrow and repeat it all?"

Hamada smiled. "Of course I can. I'm not leaving tonight either. I'll be on the couch over there. By the way, your people are in the hall. They've been here all day and honestly, I'm surprised I'm still alive. Do you wish to see them?"

"Just one, it doesn't matter which."

Hamada called in one of the men, and stepped into the bathroom to give them privacy.

"Feilong-sama. Are you alright? Is there anything we need to take care of?" His secretary glanced meaningfully at the bathroom where Hamada was. 

Feilong was stern. "You will leave Hamada-sensei alone and treat him with the utmost respect. Were it not for him, I would have had much more serious injuries. I expect that they'll let me out of here in the morning. I will need fresh clothing and toiletries, and I will phone when I require the car. You will post two guards outside my door, checking everyone who enters except Hamada-sensei. If he allows any stranger into the room, a guard will accompany that person. Is that clear?"

"Yes, Feilong-sama."

The guard left and Hamada returned. "I'm sorry, I couldn't help but overhear. Thank you. They've been driving me crazy all day. They're quite loyal to you."

"They will now listen to you, unless you try to countermand my orders. Let me know of any difficulties. Now, if you don't mind, I'm quite tired."

"Of course. Do you need me to tuck you in?" Hamada pulled the blankets up and grinned at Feilong's outrage. "Now, now. You're lucky you don't get a good night kiss. Or actually, from what my dates have said, since you're missing it you're not very lucky at all."

Feilong looked at the man, still looking good despite all he'd been through that day. "You know, I had once contemplated an affair with you." Hamada's jaw dropped. "But I thought it would get in the way of what we're trying to accomplish. One needs to keep secrets from a lover, but one really can't from one's therapist. The two roles are mutually exclusive."

Hamada started laughing. "You just did that for revenge, didn't you? I'll never get any sleep now."

Feilong closed his eyes and smiled. "Of course it's not revenge sensei. What do you take me for? Some petty criminal type? I'm a syndicate _boss_. That means revenge consists of horses' heads in your bed. Go back to your book. What is it you are reading anyway? Bujold? You know, I had you pegged as an Ivan from the beginning."

"An Ivan!? What is that supposed to mean? You think I'm an idiot?...."

 

**

 

In the corridor, Feilong's guards were relieved to hear his voice after the silence that day, though the laughing notes in it came as something of a surprise.

 

**

 

The next morning Hamada was still there as Feilong prepared to leave. 

"How do you feel this morning?"

"Tired, but better than last night. I don't think what happened will happen again in the near future. I noticed when I woke last night, it felt like pressure had been let off. Maybe talking wasn't such a bad thing, even though this time it also led to this." He lifted his hands, then let them fall.

"Feilong. Do you have any idea how far you've come in these weeks? I know you get annoyed to hear me say things like this, but I'm really proud of you for the progress you've made. Ah! You know I think I'd say it just to see that little blush every time. Followed by that scowl. But I do mean it. So I'd like to try something new in your therapy next week if you don't mind."

Feilong turned to him, eyebrow raised. "You usually aren't so hesitant about telling me what to do. You must expect me to balk at this. What is it? Some ridiculous new therapist's fad like jello baths?"

"Jello baths? Where in God's name do you hear these things? The internet? No, not jello baths, or baths in anything else for that matter. I want you to start a group therapy session. Very small, only one other person, another patient of mine. Assuming he agrees as well. The two of you have a lot in common, and I think it would help you to talk things out. You're both at a point where I think it would do you good to interact with someone else who was in a similar situation."

Feilong's voice had turned cool. "Oh? Are there many Triad leaders who saw their families destroyed by their lovers? I didn't know it was such a common thing." He turned to Hamada, furious. "Exactly how am I going to discuss things with someone else, sensei, if when I tell them something I'll have to kill them before they leave your office?"

"Feilong, this isn't about the specifics. It's about the general feelings of being betrayed and used. About pushing your feelings inside so you don't have to deal with them, and about the problems that causes, and the pain it gives to those around you. You don't have to say anything about your background. You know I wouldn't suggest it if I didn't think it was useful."

"And you don't think it's a little soon, with what happened yesterday?"

"We'll continue our individual sessions. This would be in addition. I think two sessions per week at this time would be a good thing. Trust me on this."

"You know that I do trust you. It's this other I don't trust."

"Even if I think he's trustworthy? I know his heart, and I believe in it."

Feilong examined Hamada closely at this remarkable statement. 

"Very well. I'll go, but if I don't like what's happening, or this other person, I'm leaving."

"After the first time, yes, but promise me you'll stay for the whole time, just this once."

Feilong knew Hamada was up to something, but wasn't sure what. However, trusting him had worked in the past. "Very well, you have my word. I'll stay for the first day. I'm not guaranteeing anything after that."

Hamada smiled. "That's great Feilong! Thank you. I still need to talk to the other patient about it, but if he agrees I'll have my secretary phone to arrange a day and time. I'm actually on my way to see him today. After I go home for a shower. So you should hear from us by this evening."

Feilong nodded.

"If you have any troubles, remember to call me. Any time. If you wish to see me before next week, call as well. I'll always make time. Attacks may occur this week because of what has happened. Are you sure you won't take sedatives? Don't glare at me. It's just a question. Fine. Suffer without them."

Hamada stepped over to his side. "Listen Feilong. All kidding aside, I know you can beat this. From my experience, I can tell who'll succeed and who won't at different things. You are one of those who will succeed at everything. Remember that, and believe in yourself."

Feilong stood still. His voice was quiet. "Thank you sensei. I'll await your call." And he left.

Hamada was pleased with himself. Now he only had to convince Takaba, which might be harder than it sounded. But he was confident in himself, and in the young man's heart.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains an interlude between chapters 9 and 10 that didn't really merit a chapter of its own, plus the original chapter 10.
> 
> ~~~~~~~~~~~

Interlude:

The lights around the bay sparkled below his apartment as he sat in his favorite chair to read the day's private reports. He enjoyed watching them, knowing each one represented businesses or lives he controlled in some fashion. The reports he was holding though, he thought as he glanced down, were less pleasant. He paged through the first. 

Feilong had been checked into the hospital the previous evening, his hands lacerated. He'd been in an appointment with Hamada when an ambulance had been called. He was fine, though Hamada had stayed the night with him at the hospital. 

Asami's eyebrow rose at that. Was Hamada going after Feilong now? He was amused but didn't care, as long as it didn't interfere with Takaba. _Takaba._ He growled in frustration and tossed the pages aside, rising from his chair. 

He hadn't seen Takaba in weeks. In forty-one days to be exact. He'd gone without sex for forty-one days. It was a new personal record. One that he wouldn't have broken if he hadn't been forced into it. He knew that's what had him on edge lately, it only made sense.

Just what was Hamada up to? Was he trying to torment him? Was this payback, with the two of them sitting around and laughing at him? The rage was rising in him again. It was becoming more frequent these days. His men no longer looked him in the eye.

He rose to his feet, unable to sit still. This was insane. He'd find someone tonight to take his aggressions out on. He cast through his mind, thinking of his old stable of lovers. None seemed interesting though. They hadn't for a long time. Maybe he needed someone new. He called his secretary and had his car brought around as he dressed. He'd try one of the newer clubs where there would be fresh faces.

Checking himself in the mirror at the entrance to his apartment he found himself perfect, and headed out for the evening to solve his problems. 

 

\--

 

But when he got home several hours later, he was only slightly drunk for his troubles. He'd found no one. No one had lit the spark that he needed. If they were good looking they were too easy. There was no fire in them, no soul that stirred him. Men, women, he'd been open to any of them, and they all fell flat. He tossed his clothes onto the floor and stepped under the shower.

He leaned against the wall, letting the water beat down on the back of his neck, his hair rising at the staccato beat on his skin. He should have known. Instead of the soothing flow he'd wanted it was far too stimulating. Why wasn't anything turning out like it was supposed to these days? 

The hot water pounded his back. His thoughts drifted to where they'd wanted to go all evening, to brown hair and eyes. His cock responded.

He'd had some of the most beautiful people in Tokyo in front of him all night with no response, and the slightest thought of the boy had him panting. Gods, he hadn't had to resort to masturbation since he was a teen, but he craved the release and slid his hand down his slick stomach. He leaned his forehead on the cool tile as he grasped his cock, slippery from the steam, and started pumping his fist.

_Takaba._ He thought of the outrage in those eyes whenever they kissed, the outrage that turned into a confused heat. He thought of the way his shorts had ridden those hips that first night at his apartment when Asami had turned up uninvited. He thought of him here, in this shower, where no one else had ever been except for Asami and his housekeeper. Takaba, here on his hands and knees, tied to the faucet below. Asami moaned, his body thrusting into his hand. 

He remembered the flush of his cheeks, every time blushing as if he were a virgin, lost to passion, the most erotic sight Asami had ever seen. Takaba, spread out on his bed, eyes clouded with desire, trying to fight it and failing because he wanted so badly what Asami could give him. What only Asami could give him. Asami groaned and came, splattering the wall of the shower with a heavy stream of white. He leaned against the wall a moment longer as his breathing slowed. The pressure had eased. But not enough. It wouldn't be enough until Takaba was back in his bed, where he belonged.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 10:

 

Hamada was a little nervous about the upcoming appointment with Takaba. In the past few weeks Takaba had grown more comfortable with him, though he was still wary. Hamada had used the issue of the court order, coupled with his need to talk to someone to keep Takaba coming back. Takaba would comply with the order as long as certain topics, like his new persona or emotions, were not discussed. So they'd talked about a lot of things, some connected with Asami, some not, but almost always starting with issues from Hamada's past. 

Hamada had never really had a friend that he opened up to about many of these things. He'd had friends of course, but being driven to succeed the way he had been since his early teens, he'd not spent a lot of time contemplating where he'd been and where he was going, and why. His path had been mapped out and he stuck to it. His being gay in particular was something that he rarely discussed. Takaba might not realize it, but the bond being forged between them by these talks was a deep one for Hamada, and only made Hamada more determined to return the favor.

Of course, the focus didn't remain on Hamada over the course of the conversations. Takaba almost always eventually relaxed and joined in, but he rarely offered much of himself when it came to his relationships with Asami and Feilong. But occasionally there had been a crack Hamada could slip into, and he'd hopefully planted a few ideas successfully. He'd see when he broached today's topic.

As he looked at the clock to note the time, Takaba walked in, prompt for once. He noticed some strain about Takaba's eyes. He went forward and greeted him.

"Takaba-san. Thank you very much for coming today. Would you like some tea? Today it's a special blend that was a gift from another patient."

Takaba looked skeptically at the tea box. "You'd drink some weeds that a crazy person gave you? How do you know they didn't slip some poison in there?"

Hamada rolled his eyes. "Because he drank it with me."

Takaba shook his head. "Yeah, and Jim Jones drank his own purple Kool-Aid. You're way too naïve sensei. No wonder Asami took advantage of you." He sat down. "I'll take some tea, but I'm waiting to see if you die before I drink it."

Hamada chuckled, put the tea on the table, and sat in his chair. "So how are you feeling this week? Still happy with your new self?"

Takaba looked a little irritated. "I thought we were going to talk about you."

Hamada shrugged. "It's only common courtesy to ask, and to reply."

That got him a stare. "You have a sharp tongue when you want to Hamada-san. Okay then. Yes, I'm fine. Never been better. How's that?"

"That was the worst acting job I've ever heard in my life. If you want to fool yourself, go ahead. Just don't try to fool me too. You look like a bomb ticking down to an explosion." Hamada backed off before he drove Takaba from his office. "But you're right, we aren't here to discuss that. Today we're here to talk about Asami and me."

That seemed to diffuse Takaba for the time being. "Okay, what about him? What did you want to talk about today?"

Hamada had thought long and hard about what he needed to do today. He hoped it didn't backfire.

"Well, first, I want to talk about sex with Asami. Is that all right?"

Takaba blushed. "Uh, well, sure. Though I'm not used to talking about that sort of thing."

"That's fine, Takaba-san. This isn't like guys at the bar talking about their conquests. Remember I _am_ a doctor."

"Yeah, a doctor who fucks his patients when he gets too horny." Takaba shot back.

This time Hamada blushed. "You may not believe it, but nothing remotely like that has even happened before. And it won't again. I mean it Takaba-san. It's the fact that it did happen, and how it happened and how I feel now that disturbs me so much. It's why I want to talk to you, since you've been through something similar with him, haven't you?"

Takaba shrugged. "Well, yeah, the first time we had sex it was similar. At least because he trapped me, and I was stupid enough to fall for it. Then he did some pretty rotten things to me. And he gave me drugs to make me like it while it happened. And he took pictures and blackmailed me. I think he treated me more roughly than he treated you, but in the end it was the same."

Hamada was disappointed to see the shield still firmly in place, but today he was going to do something about that. "So he was in complete control from beginning to end? Is that always an issue with him when he has sex?"

Takaba nodded. "When he has sex with me. I don't know with other people though. I know he's not faithful or anything to me, but I've not had it shoved in my face so that I'd know anyone to ask. Except you, of course."

Hamada hesitated. "May I ask how you responded to the control? I only wonder if it was similar to me. At first I fought it, but he kept asserting it more and more strongly, and eventually I just gave up. Surrendered. And at that moment I felt so free. Free to enjoy all the pleasure he was giving me. Like it wasn't my responsibility anymore. I could leave it all to him. But then later I felt incredibly guilty at having given in."

Takaba again agreed, speaking casually, as if unaffected. "It's like that now. It wasn't the first time though. Then, at first it was rape. There was pleasure, but brought on by drugs. And it was like he conditioned me to respond to the way he treated me, because as the days wore on he didn't need the drugs to turn me on."

"Good God, how long did he have you there?" Hamada hadn't realized just what Takaba had gone through.

"Three days, that first time. Sometimes it was hell, sometimes heaven, but never anything between. He trained me like I was an animal. And by the time he released me I felt like I was one. But I didn't let him know that. I made sure he knew he as in for a fight." 

"Don't you think that just encouraged him? I got the feeling he likes a challenge."

"Yeah, he does. He likes to think he wins too, and maybe he does, but only for a moment. It doesn't last."

Hamada made as if to speak but Takaba started talking again, cutting him off.

"That's not really honest, what I said there at the end. That's what I pretended, but it's not true. It did last, because I'd find myself thinking about him and wanting that hard rough sex. I wanted him to want me, and to take me. He's addictive."

Takaba looked up. "But the addiction can be, well, changed, even if not broken. We had sex when I came back from the seaside last month, and this time I was in charge. He acted like he was allowing it, but it didn't matter. I was in control. And it was good, the best we'd ever had. I could tell it was that way for him too. I still want him, but I won't go back to the old ways. Even if it's just sex, I want it to be equal."

Hamada waited for a minute, and when Takaba didn't continue he let himself talk. "You don't really feel that way though, do you? ‘Even if it's just sex'. I could tell that you had some kind of feelings for him. Don't try to tell me your "new self" erased that, because that just doesn't happen. Doesn't your idea of the perfect relationship with him include any feelings?"

Takaba didn't say anything, just stared, his lips tightening. He seemed angry, but Hamada wasn't letting him off the hook this time.

"Takaba-san, don't you love him a little? Why would the incident here hurt you so much if you didn't?"

Tears sprung up in Takaba's eyes. "Because I gave him everything he asked for and it wasn't good enough. It was only sex, or he couldn't have come in here and done what he did to you. Sex is just another weapon to him. Every time I think he might care, he reminds me of that."

His voice was raw with pain. "I'd started to care, and look what it got me! So I'm not caring anymore. I can't take it, I can't go through this again. I don't care about him. Dammit I don't care!"

Tears spilled from his eyes, and he angrily wiped them away. "You. You did it again, didn't you? Sneaking into my head when you knew I didn't want you there. Always twisting things around so they're about me, not you. You just wanted to screw with my head." 

He stood up abruptly. So did Hamada, stepping towards him and reaching out, reaching but not touching.

"Wait. Takaba-san, you're wrong. I am concerned about what you're feeling, that's true, but you're wrong to say I didn't need to hear it myself. Do you think you're the only one he's done this to? How do you think I felt after having sex with him, only to find he planned it all along for blackmail? No, I didn't have the emotional investment you did with him, but that doesn't mean there were no emotions involved. It was devastating. And you're the only one I can talk to about it. I need you here, or I won't be able to get past this."

His hand fell to his side, but his eyes were still pleading.

Takaba searched his face, and his eyes calmed when he saw the truth of those words in Hamada. 

"Please Takaba-san. Please sit back down."

At first he thought Takaba would bolt, but after a moment his fierce stance relaxed and he finally sat back down. Hamada sighed and did the same. "Half the time, Takaba-san, all therapy consists of is just talking it out. If more people did that when they needed to, they wouldn't need me. And I'm not in such self-denial that I don't recognize the need in myself now that I'm in the same situation. Shared pain is easier to bear."

Takaba's eyes clouded for a moment and he smiled a bitter little smile. Then he swallowed whatever had caused the expression and turned once-more calm eyes on Hamada, who was still talking.

"I find myself craving him, wanting that rush I got when he focused solely on me. He's such a master at manipulation. Even as I lay there wounded, he caressed and cajoled me into wanting the experience again. I feel incredibly stupid, naïve, because of it. But I feel less so to know I'm not alone."

"So the fact that both of us are idiots makes it better, huh?" Takaba snorted softly.

"Well, doesn't it make you feel a little better? Knowing that he has this effect on someone else? That it's not you being weak, but him being incredibly strong?"

Takaba considered this. "I hadn't really thought of it that way. I guess it does help some. But isn't that just making excuses for being weak? If we'd both been strong to begin with, he couldn't have gotten away with it."

"Do you really believe that? I think it may be true in some cases, but Asami? Do you really believe it would have helped you that first time? Was there any way to fight back?"

Takaba hesitated, then shook his head. "No, it was a trap, I had no chance."

"Exactly. So no matter how strong you were, the same thing would have occurred. Sometimes the other guy is just stronger, and sitting there second guessing what went wrong and blaming yourself for getting caught is useless and wrong."

"Is that what you're trying to believe about yourself Hamada, that you had no choice?"

Hamada looked grim. "No, for me there was a choice. He wouldn't have raped me because of my connection with the courts. It would have gotten him put away, maybe even in an asylum. He had to seduce me. And he did. And it was my fault, because I could have stopped him at several points and didn't. I actually _am_ guilty. I _did_ do wrong. You agree of course? You've said as much."

Takaba looked a little guilty himself at this and spoke quietly. "Yes, I do think you had a choice. But I also know what it's like making choices in his presence."

"Like being in a tornado. You have a few seconds to run, then it's too late."

"Yes. Most people would have missed the chance. Asami knew it, and he didn't give you the time to think, did he?"

"I felt him coming on to me."

"Yeah, but that happens all the time right? I mean, people flirt and nothing comes of it. When did you realize it was going from flirt to serious?"

Hamada laughed bitterly. "When he kissed me."

"And was your brain working fine during the kiss?"

"Are you trying to be funny? My brain was dead for all intents and purposes."

"And when did he let up a little? When did he give you a choice?"

Hamada straightened. "Only once I'd made the choice. He never gave me a choice until it didn't matter."

Takaba sat back, satisfied. "You see? What do you think would have happened if you'd changed your mind partway through?"

"He would have forced me back on the path, not by outright force, but through seduction. Wouldn't he? I never had a chance, did I? I mean really. There was nothing I could have done. Oh my God. There was nothing that would have made a difference." Hamada's eyes were full of tears. "Takaba. Do you really believe that?"

"I didn't at first, but after hearing you talk these weeks, yes, I believe it now. I'm sorry, sensei. Maybe you weren't all that bright, and maybe there were a few minutes when, if you'd known what he was like, you could have stopped him. But no, how could I really blame you for that, when it's the same thing he has done to me?"

"Takaba," Hamada choked out, "if it's the same thing he does to you, don't you understand then that you're not guilty either?"

Takaba's head jerked back, then slowly shook from side to side. "No, but it's not the same, not that way...."

"It is. You yourself said you were given no choice at all at first, and that your subsequent encounters with him were like mine. If you're guilty then I am too. But if I'm not, neither are you. Don't you see? You have to stop blaming yourself. None of the torture you've put yourself through will make a bit of difference. You can be stronger and deal with him as an adult, but closing yourself away is only punishing you, and you don't deserve it."

Takaba's breaths were coming fast "But, but....It's my fault. I know it. I .... Isn't it? Why are you saying I'm hurting myself for nothing? I'm fixing everything. I let it happen before. Now I won't let it happen again."

"Listen to yourself Takaba. ‘I let it happen' ‘I won't let it happen' You're blaming yourself for all of it. You're not responsible for what they did to you. You're not responsible for Feilong, and you're not responsible for Asami. This shell you've put up, don't you see that it wouldn't have stopped anything in the past, and it won't stop it in the future? You're not protecting yourself with it, you're hurting yourself. You're not letting people in who care about you, and you're trying not to let yourself care, and for someone with the compassion you have within you it's killing you."

Takaba's eyes were wide and confused. He shook his head.

Hamada continued more softly. "If it were working, would you still be feeling so much pain?" 

Hamada didn't normally touch his patients, but Takaba was something more, and Hamada wasn't going to let him suffer alone this time. He crossed over to Takaba's side and knelt before the chair, and gathered Takaba into his arms.

**

Takaba was wracked with pain. Hamada was right. He'd been so stupid. He'd been so desperate and afraid that he'd done this to himself. Trapping everything away, his emotions, himself, allowing them no release. He'd been hurting his friends, pushing them away. He'd been hurting himself. He thought he was being smart, but he was just being small and afraid. Afraid of risks. The opposite of the courage he prided himself in. 

He didn't want this. He didn't know what to do, helpless before it. Everything was raw. Whatever he touched gave him pain. 

He felt the arms come around him and turned towards the source of warmth. He slid down onto the floor to be closer. He wanted to burrow into it to erase the loneliness. He felt a hand on his hair and something cracked inside him. His despair, his anguish and anger and frustration, everything he'd pushed down inside weeks ago at the beach, it all started coming out in a torrent of tears. He couldn't hold it back. Sobs wracked his body as it all poured out of him, words and cries of anguish. He made no sense, it didn't matter, just so someone was there listening to the pain.

And someone was finally listening, responding, accepting him without blame after seeing and hearing all of of it.

There was a murmur of reassuring words in his ear. He didn't really hear what they were saying, only that they offered comfort and understanding, something he'd longed for more than anything else. A peace started to take the place of the place of the violent emotions he'd let loose. It didn't push back, just ran across him like a cooling water, gradually washing the rawness away and leaving a second skin in its place, one that felt strong but supple. His body relaxed, his breathing slowed, his tears slowed, and he lay still in the comfort of those arms. 

Then he realized who was holding him and sat up.

"I... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...." He looked to the side, blushing.

Hamada smiled gently. "I'm glad I could be here to help you. You understand now?"

Takaba nodded. "I was an idiot."

"No. You knew something was wrong and you tried to fix it. It's just that when we're hurting, we don't always know what's the best way to do that. That's where people like me come in."

"So what do I do now? I don't want to pretend to be a block of ice anymore. But I'm not going to let him walk all over me again."

Hamada laughed softly. "But you just said it, didn't you? That's who you want to be, so be it. It's that simple. You just have to be firm in your resolve to do so. Love him, but do it from a position of strength. Don't let him call all the shots. Be the aggressor sometimes. It won't be easy by any means. But if you think he's worth it, and frankly I have my doubts, but if you do, you have to stand up to him and make him treat you with respect. Though I think you should wait a few more weeks before trying to see him. You need some time to settle. Just always remember, you can be assertive while still feeling love Takaba-san. That's the way it is in healthy relationships."

"Yeah, well, health on one side of a relationship doesn't make it a good one."

"No, but it's better than having a nut on both sides."

Takaba's mouth dropped open, then he started laughing. "I can't believe you said that."

Hamada grinned, then stood up and held out a hand. Takaba took it and stood.

"Sit down, would you Takaba-san? There's something that I've been thinking about that I want to run by you."

"Sure." They both sat back down. "What is it?"

"Well, you agree that the two of us sharing our mutual problems helped you in the long run?"

"Yeah, of course."

"Would you be willing to help someone else the same way? Just listen a moment. I have another patient who has been in a similar situation, and he has no one to talk to but me. I think it would really help him if the three of us could hold weekly sessions."

Takaba looked skeptical, but Hamada knew him by now and appealed to his emotions.

"He's feeling very much alone. He's felt that way his whole life actually. In talking to him it seems he's never even had a friend to talk to. His past is terribly tragic, and pain is overwhelming him to the point where it's causing him to lash out at people he normally would not. But a big part of the problem is that he's kept it inside for so long. He was doing what you did, but for years. I think it would help for him to know he's not the only one. Would you come?"

Takaba's eyes had softened as Hamada had talked. Whoever the patient was, Takaba's heart went out to him. He wanted to help the man, if Hamada thought it was possible.

"Of course I'll come. Just tell me when."

"If we set the appointment for 4:00 pm next Monday, could you come early, say 3:30?"

"Sure, I'll be here."

"Good. And Takaba-san. Please. Trust me on this. It's what needs to happen. I've been right so far, I mean, after the first session, haven't I?"

Takaba looked at him closely. "You have, and I'll trust you. Though you're acting awful suspicious. But I'll give you the benefit of the doubt this time. You know, you've changed a lot too these past weeks. I'll be here."

"Good. Now if you want to talk about how to deal with Asami better, we can meet here again at our regular time? Or do you feel you don't need to?" 

"You're saying it's up to me now?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying." To progress past this point, Takaba had to be free to choose. Hamada sat there and hoped.

Takaba's eyes brightened a little. "No, I'd like to keep talking." He laughed. "I think I'll need the advice. But for today, let's stop here. I need a little space to process all of this. But you can count on me to be back. "

He stood up to go, and Hamada stood with him, unable to contain what he was feeling.

"You should be proud of yourself Takaba-san. What you did today took courage and strength. I'm proud of you."

Takaba flushed. "It's because of you. I'm not that stupid. I know what you've been doing by talking to me. You made me try to help you, then made me see myself in you so I had to help myself. Very tricky, sensei. I'm proud of you too." He smiled then took off out the door, far freer than he'd been when he'd come in.

Nothing could keep Takaba sitting still for long. Hamada smiled to himself. Then he slowly lowered himself into his chair and sat for a while.

That had been rough, for both of them. For weeks he had been telling himself everything he'd said today. Today was the first time he believed it. He laughed a little. This must have been how his grandmother felt after confession. Absolved. 

An overwhelming sense of relief welled up inside him. The emotion overflowing from his heart was soon mirrored by tears overflowing onto his cheeks. He bent over, resting his head on his hands, not trying to stop his crying, knowing he needed it, knowing it was for more than just today. _Sensei, you were so right. You were right about everything. I wish you were still alive for me to tell you._

As his tears continued to flow, he almost thought he felt his old teacher's hand on his head, stroking his hair. Peace washed through him in place of the tears, leaving a new sense of calm and resolve. He sat up and wiped his face.

He would see this through to the end. He would see these three healed and happy. And then he would do it for others.

He sighed as he looked at the phone on his desk, then an irrepressible smile began to grow. Time to tweak Asami again, though it was getting harder stringing him along. Takaba needed time, especially now, and he had to buy it for him. He got up and moved to his desk and placed the call.

 

**

 

Asami checked his watch again. He thought Rolexes were supposed to mean quality. Why was this one running so slowly? He shook it, but the motion didn't change. Cheap European watchmakers. He'd buy a new one tomorrow, a Japanese one.

He went back to the report he was reading but the words were running together. He rubbed his eyes. He was just so tired lately. 

When his phone rang, his heart almost stopped. His hand hesitated over it, then he picked it up to see who it was. He glanced at the screen and answered. "Hamada?"

_"Hello Asami-san. I'm just calling for our weekly report."_

"How is he, dammit? I've done what you requested and stayed away." Which wasn't strictly true. Asami's men were still bringing him the daily surveillance data, photos included. "I'm tired of this. What's your verdict? I'm beginning to lose my patience."

_"Well, I've lost too many of mine to let you screw this up. Patients? Get it?"_

If Asami could have reached through the phone connection, Hamada would be dead. He heard Hamada sigh.

_"Have you ever considered buying a sense of humor with that fortune of yours? Anyway, I think he's almost ready to see you again. Just a week or two more. Next week will be the most important. I should be able to give you a definite answer then."_

"Next week," Asami said flatly. "That seems to be your favorite phrase. How does this sound? You may live if Takaba is returned to me next week. Did I use the phrase correctly?"

_"Asami-san, you do understand that rebuilding the human mind is not like rebuilding a machine? That most of the time Tab A does not fit neatly into Slot B, so adjustments have to be made? Here's an analogy you might get. Let's say you were out some night trying to kill someone, and your gun broke. I have no idea how. I don't kill people. I'm sure you can think of a way. There are two gun shops, one that can return it to you overnight, except the workmanship is shoddy. The other takes a week but their workmanship is impeccable. Which do you trust with your life? Which will you trust with Takaba-san's life?"_

Asami swore under his breath. The fucking psychiatrist had a point, and he didn't like it. He spoke with deceptive sweetness, "I'd use the quality shop, of course. Except that your analogy is off. A quality shop would give me a loaner to use in the meantime. Are you making that offer, Hamada? Will you let me use you, in place of Takaba? Has he told you some of the games we like to play?" 

Asami had no desire to fuck the doctor anymore, but he had his own point to make. He smirked, on firmer ground, when he clearly heard a loud swallow on the other end of the line. "If so, those terms are acceptable to me. Should I send a driver to your apartment tonight? Do bring a change of underwear. Takaba always forgets, and it makes the ride home so uncomfortable."

_"Godammit, Asami! I am_ not _a loaner. If you send someone over to get me I'll...I'll..."_

"What sensei? Lose your patience?"

Hamada blew out an audible stream of air. _"Listen. I understand your frustration. But you're not working with him. I am. Do you trust me to do my job or not?"_

Did he? "No, I don't particularly trust you sensei, but you're the only game in town and you'll have to do. Fine. One more week. But you _will_ give me a definite answer then. Or I _will_ send someone to get you and it won't be for fun and games. I've had enough." Asami ended the call and tossed the phone aside.

He dragged his fingers across the waxed surface of his mahogany desk, watching the patterns trail his hand. He'd had it rewaxed after that night, but he thought that he could still feel the heat, that his fingers could still feel impressions left by the two of them. He stopped and tapped his fingers impatiently and pulled out a cigarette. As he lit it the question snuck back into his head. _Why?_ He'd been hearing the word in his thoughts more frequently these days. 

He was a practical man. When he thought of himself, he was concerned with "what", and "how". But "why"? That was something he never thought about. Maybe because the answer was always the same. To gain more power, more money, more respect, more control. But something was pushing at that old refrain these days. It felt inadequate.

He stabbed his cigarette out in the ashtray. Then reached for another. _This is asinine_ , he thought. _To be wasting time on such thoughts_. He clamped back down on himself and turned back to his reports, not letting himself see the slight tremor in the pages as he held them and tried to read them one more time.


	11. Chapter 11

Takaba had gotten there early as Hamada requested, and they'd spent a little time talking about what Takaba's role might be today. Hamada was more concerned about getting him into the office before Feilong got there. He did not want them meeting in the hallway. 

Hamada was nervous, and rightly so. He didn't know how this would work out. He was counting on Takaba's heart, and Feilong's desire to be free of his problems, and on his own ability to mediate. He knew from the past couple months that all three were strong. But so many things could go wrong. 

But he believed in his ability to heal, and he believed he saw the same thing in Takaba. And while he was important, he knew that Takaba was the key.

"Remember what I said Takaba-san. To stay open-minded and listen with your heart? To trust me?"

"Why does your saying that make me think I'm going to regret this?"

"Will you promise me? Promise to listen and try this and not run away? You have it in you to do so much good here today. Will one hour of anyone talking be that bad?"

"You've obviously never covered a political convention. Okay, I promise. But if it's bad, I'll get back at you."

Hamada closed his eyes in relief. He knew Takaba would stay now. Now if only – 

His thoughts were cut off at the knock.

 

**

 

The door opened and Feilong walked in. Takaba and Feilong froze in shock. Then Takaba shot out of his seat. "Oh _hell_ no! Not this. Not him. You _bastard_. I can't believe you want me to sit and talk with him."

"Takaba-san you promised. Remember what I told you at the end of the session last week. Remember what I told you about this."

_He's feeling very much alone. He's felt that way his whole life actually. In talking to him it seems he's never even had a friend to talk to. His past is terribly tragic, and pain is overwhelming him to the point where it's causing him to lash out at people he normally would not._

Takaba remembered the words, and how he'd wanted to help. He looked at Feilong, who was standing very still. His rapist. He remembered the promise he just made, to the man who had helped him. A promise to trust, when he felt betrayed himself. Just like before. Only it wasn't. Now he knew better. Now he knew he should get the whole story first instead of running away. He closed his eyes for a moment and swallowed his anger, barely, though it still simmered below the surface. He looked at Hamada, furious, but in control. "Okay. I'll stay. For now."

Feilong shifted his eyes from Takaba to Hamada. His voice was calm but cold. "Hamada-sensei. I've trusted you to this point and you've helped me. But if you don't have a very good reason for doing this, you're dead."

Hamada motioned to the chairs. "Let's sit down and talk about it. I knew you'd be angry. Do you think I'd do this if I didn't think it absolutely necessary?"

"I believe that you have good intentions, as you say. But from past experiences I am aware that your judgment has lapses. If this is a lapse, it is one I will not forgive. But you have my word that for this one hour, I'll remain.

Takaba thought Feilong looked like an emotionless block of ice. It made him uneasy, reminding him of their first meeting.

Takaba took the new chair, the one across from the tea table. He watched Feilong sit in the recliner. He took refuge in his anger. "Lapses in judgment? Does that mean he knows? Where the old recliner went?" 

Hamada paled. "I'd ask you to keep that private, Takaba-san. I would hope that our friendship would count for something."

"What's he talking about?" Feilong asked Hamada. He turned to Takaba. "What are you talking about?"

"Didn't you notice that chair is different from the one you sat in the first week?"

"Of course I noticed. Are you saying something of importance happened to the old chair?"

Takaba laughed. He was being cruel but he didn't care. Hamada had invited him to help his _rapist_. "More like, something earth shattering happened _in_ it, right Hamada?"

He turned to Feilong. "Has he told you that Asami hasn't been attending sessions? He got his papers signed that first week."

Feilong sat forward, his face furious. "What? That bastard needs counseling more than any of us. What the hell did he offer you that you signed his papers? You refused all bribes of mine." 

Hamada's lips tightened and Takaba began to feel a little guilty. Hamada's answer was terse. "As the saying goes, he made me an offer I couldn't refuse. That's how you put it in crime families, isn't it?"

Hamada's words whipped Takaba's conscience. "Why don't you finish the story, Takaba? You took such pleasure in bringing it up. No, let me. Asami seduced me. He fucked me, right in that old recliner that sat where you're sitting, Feilong. He fucked me, and he recorded it, and he threatened to tell the medical board, my parents, everyone. And I caved in. I signed his fucking papers. So I could keep this practice. Because my life is trying to help fucked up people like the two of you. So that's what happened. He's an asshole. Takaba, you're an asshole for bringing it up when I thought this was over between us. And Feilong, if you say anything you're an asshole too."

Feilong started laughing. "So he's not only fucked me over, he's fucked you over too Hamada? No wonder you could sympathize."

"Hey what about me? He's fucked me over too. That makes all three of us."

Feilong looked at him in scorn. "He's only fucked you. What would you know about him fucking anyone over? You're his toy, his pet, his love. He'll probably storm in here the minute he knows you're sitting with me."

Takaba was furious. "What do you know about anything! All you do is come in here and assume that you're the only one who's been hurt. Well you're wrong. We've _all_ been hurt by Asami, and on top of that I've been hurt by you. You motherfucker! I've been nothing but a convenient hole for him since the beginning. He cajoles and seduces the heart out of you, then chews it up and spits it back. Don't tell me I don't know what being fucked over is. It's _all_ I know anymore. From him, from you, from everybody."

He turned on Hamada. "And fuck you Hamada, for thinking I could help this cold son of a bitch and for putting me in this situation. He comes up to Tokyo and makes trouble for _us_ , and then he cries that it's all _our_ fault? Well I think I see his problem then, sensei. He's got a screw loose. Hell, he's probably got a drawer full of them rattling around in his head. You ought to just sign the papers and lock him away, for everyone's good."

Feilong was shaking, his eyes full of rage. Takaba remembered too late that Feilong meant Flying Dragon and that Liu meant kill. When Feilong spoke his words were like icy daggers, each one slashing then making way for the next.

"You spoiled little fuck. What do you know about pain? You think pain is what happens when Asami or I fuck you? If it's so painful, then why were you so hard for it? You're just whining so you don't have to admit you like a good hard fuck. But you and I know better, don't we Takaba-kun? We both heard your moans. We both felt you come. So don't complain to me about that so-called pain.

"I'll tell you what real pain is, so you don't have to make up definitions anymore. Pain is being raised to be alone, without friends, without a family's love, without joy, with only humiliation and disapproval as your companions. Pain is finding someone who believes you have worth and putting all your trust in them, only to have them destroy your life and kill those you love and then just walk away, leaving you to take the blame. Pain is caring about someone for the first time and finding out that all the words were lies, to set you up to act the way he wanted. Pain is sitting in a jail cell, with blank walls and no escape but your own mind, which can only replay the events showing your naivety and guilt, over and over again. Pain is seeing him again after eight years, seeing him with someone he actually loves, and wondering what this mewling brat has that you didn't, wondering what you so lacked. That's pain you son of a bitch. That's the pain I live with every day. And if you can ever understand this kind of pain, God help you."

Feilong was shaking violently, face flushed, eyes wild, breaths erratic. Takaba watched him in terror, seeing the Feilong who attacked him the last couple times. He looked at Hamada, who had moved over to Feilong and knelt near him. Feilong spoke, his voice unlike anything Takaba had ever heard. It was rage and the crackle of lightening, the rumble of thunder and roar of the wind. "Hamada. I want to fucking kill him. I'm going to fucking kill him. Get him out of here before he dies in your office."

Hamada took Feilong's hand. Takaba noticed with shock that it was covered in stitches. Both hands were. _What had happened?_

Hamada spoke gently but firmly. "No. You need to be able to control yourself in situations like this. You're doing it now or you wouldn't have spoken and asked for help. Remember all the techniques we've been working on the past few weeks? This is where you use them. This is where you take back control. You can think. Concentrate."

Feilong shook silently, trying to restrain himself.

Hamada shot a look at Takaba. "Tell him."

"What? Me?? Why me? What do I know—"

"You knew plenty just a few minutes ago. Talk to him. You've pulled yourself out of these emotional traps a few times."

Feilong gritted out words. "Hamada...not him. It's a mistake. Keep him away."

"Yes, him. Listen." And he turned to Takaba. "And you talk. Now."

Takaba cast about inside him for something to say. He didn't care about the bastard, but he didn't want to die. "Listen, Feilong. Even if you want to kill me, it's best not to do it now, right? You might do something you'd regret. Make some mistake. Isn't it better to be calm when you murder someone?" 

_I can't believe I'm rationalizing my murder at a later date._

"So you've got to get calm. Think about something stupid. Like, I don't know, someplace you'd rather be. Back home. Maybe on a boat. Someplace peaceful to you. Where's someplace peaceful?"

Feilong took a shuddering breath. "Reading. In my garden. With Tao sitting nearby."

Takaba looked at Hamada and mouthed 'Tao?'. Hamada held out his hand waist high, signifying a child. Takaba was taken aback, but continued.

"Well, that's nice. That's peaceful. Imagine the sun beating down, and maybe hearing bees buzzing around the plants, smelling the flowers on the breeze, and feeling the pages of the book under your fingers. Hearing Tao's laughter over something in the background. Think about just sitting there on the perfect day, resting. Keep that image in your mind."

Feilong's eyes were closed, his breathing more even and controlled now. Takaba was somewhat embarrassed to have been the one to help him get that way. But while he hated the man, he would much rather have him quiet while they were in the same room.

Takaba's mind was racing. He wondered what had happened to set Feilong off months before, on the other two occasions. He recognized this. He knew the last two times he'd attacked Takaba, Feilong had been in murderous rages just like this. It was like he wasn't all there. Maybe if Feilong were cured he wouldn't have anything to worry about. Maybe, just maybe it would be worth trying to help. After all, a guy who likes his garden and kids and books, he can't be someone who goes around raping for fun, right? Right? Something must push him over the edge. _But is it something about me?_

No, of course it wasn't. It was Asami. It always came back to Asami, didn't it? Asami drove Feilong nuts and now Takaba was taking damage for it. What had Feilong been saying? Damn, he hadn't paid close attention. He needed to hear more about this.

Feilong was calmer, pale now. His eyes opened and he looked at Takaba. They still held anger but it was controlled.

Takaba shrugged. "I've had issues too. Because of the rapes, among other things. But I've had to learn to deal with it on my own." Feilong flinched.

Takaba continued. "I think maybe we're fighting each other to no good purpose. Asami has messed with both of us. It all comes back to him doesn't it? Is he the reason you hate me and hurt me? Do you have something personal against me that I don't know about?"

Feilong shifted uneasily in his chair. It seemed it wasn't so easy being confronted by the man you'd raped. "I have nothing against you as a person. I hate what you stand for."

"Oh, and what might that be? Being a normal guy?"

"Yes! Being a normal man with a lover who..."

Feilong turned to Hamada. "I can't do this."

Hamada was still crouched at his feet. "You have to do this. It's important that you do this. You said you'd trust me. If you trust me on anything, you should trust me on this."

"You think I should bare my throat to my enemy? How can I believe that's the right thing to do? No stretch of the imagination allows that!"

"No, I think you should tell the truth to someone who is willing to help you, despite what you've done to him. He's not your enemy, Feilong. I've been listening to him for weeks, just as I've been listening to you. You two. If you'd only listen to each other."

"What you're asking of me.... Do you have any idea?"

Hamada took Feilong's hand. "Yes. I do. And I've seen your strength, and I know you can handle it. It will hurt, but you can handle it. It's necessary. Like last week. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?"

Feilong bowed his head. His hair was hiding his eyes from Takaba, who had been watching all this closely. But his voice made it clear what he was suffering. "All this pain. I've managed to avoid it all this time. You tell me it will get better, but it just keeps hurting more. How much do you think I can take, Hamada?"

Takaba saw tears hit Feilong's damaged hands, stunned by the sight. He hated Feilong. Of course he did. But this... 

Takaba looked at Hamada, still murmuring to Feilong. Yet just a few weeks ago he'd hated Hamada. Now there was something approaching friendship between them. All because they'd talked, and Takaba had understood another's pain, and had let another help him.

Takaba looked at Feilong, his head still bowed. He didn't want to be friends with this man. But to understand him. And maybe make Feilong understand him. Wouldn't that be worth it? Maybe it would ease both their pain.

"Feilong. I know you don't really want to listen to me, but maybe that's the point Hamada is trying to make. Maybe if we could just talk, you know, to understand each other a little more. Maybe if we could set aside the hatred and the blame while we're in here, and just try to see where the other person is coming from. Maybe that would help ease the pain. I know for me, I've wanted to know why. It eats at me sometimes. I don't understand why a lot of this has happened to me. It might go a long way to helping me through this to understand you. Maybe the reverse would work a little too. I'm willing to try."

Hamada looked over at him, his eyes full of pride, shimmering slightly. They sat still for a while, then Feilong's hand tightened on Hamada's, whose eyes turned back to him, and Feilong began to speak to Hamada, but loud enough for Takaba to hear. Though Takaba didn't know it, he told the same story he'd told to Hamada the week before. He never looked up. He never released Hamada's hand. He just spoke in monotones. And Takaba listened. And he heard.

He heard the loneliness and pain of Feilong's existence. He heard the horror at what his brother tried to make him become, and the loss of what it could have been. He heard the great sadness of his relationship with his father, finding out the truth when it was too late.

He heard about what Asami had done. How he'd gone in there and turned everything to his advantage as usual, using people and leaving a mess behind him, though something about that didn't sound right because Asami wasn't about chaos. But Feilong spoke of his feelings, how trusting he'd been, and how that resulted in the deaths of those around him, and Takaba understood that whatever had happened, it had hurt him deeply. Takaba could hear the young man who had trusted and loved for the first time, only to be betrayed in the worst way. He heard Feilong taking on the responsibility of it, just as he had, carrying the guilt of all those around him.

He never knew Feilong could be so young, so trusting. So much like himself. He didn't like thinking about that, but he couldn't help but wonder if he might not have turned out the same way, given the same pressures. 

And Feilong spoke of seeing him, recently, seeing him as a lover of Asami's. A happy boy. Someone who took the place he'd wanted so long ago. Someone who was better than him but he couldn't figure out why. And how he wanted to lash out at both of them and hurt both of them deeply for daring to be happy when all his happiness had been destroyed long ago.

Feilong fell silent. Takaba was shocked to hear this last part. Was that really what he thought? What a laugh. But he would explain that later, when it was his turn to talk. Right now Feilong was raw.

"Feilong, about what you've said... I'm sorry. I'd never imagined.... If we're being honest, I'd have to say that I had always thought of you as a monster. Someone who couldn't feel anything for anyone. I never really thought about where you came from. I sure didn't think that whatever Asami had done to you, that it had been as bad as what you said. I know he does bad things. He's hurt me badly too. But not like that. Nothing like that."

Since he'd not known so much about Feilong's motives, he started to wonder if maybe that they were missing Asami's side to things too. Asami just didn't go for mayhem like that. But they could talk about that later as well.

"You were right. I don't know about that kind of pain. Most of it at least. But I do know about how Asami manipulates and uses people. How he can make them feel guilty for choosing something he really maneuvered them into choosing. And how it's natural to try to push all of that deep inside so you don't have to deal with it. I've been doing that since I met the two of you. I guess maybe we don't understand each other at all. Or we didn't. Will you be willing to listen to my side of it now?"

Feilong hadn't said anything, but it was clear he'd been listening closely. He nodded. Hamada looked at him, then looked at Takaba. 

"Why don't we save that for the next time? I think maybe a break would be a good idea. That is, if you both agree to a next time."

Takaba nodded. "I'll be here."

"Feilong?" Hamada asked softly, "Will you come?"

They looked at the man who still sat, head bowed. Takaba felt a rush of compassion he didn't want to feel. "Feilong... I'd like it if you came. I'd like to speak to you more about this. I'd like to understand you better."

They watched him struggle with himself, unwilling to say anything more that might tip the balance the wrong way, and finally he nodded.

Takaba looked at Hamada, who nodded. Relieved, he took a few steps toward the door. He was eager to get out of there. "Good. That's good. Thanks. Um... I'll be here next week." Takaba left, running out of the office, just needing to get out into the sun. The warmth and clear sky instantly made him feel better as he walked a little ways, but so much was racing through his mind that he had to turn and sit on some nearby steps. He couldn't let it go. Everything he'd heard just kept playing over and over in his mind.

He didn't appreciate what Feilong had done to him. That was an understatement. But he also didn't like hearing that it was mostly reactionary to what had been done to him. He himself had almost fallen into the same trap. Luckily, Hamada had pulled him out of it.

Hamada... He felt a little guilty. He'd been rough on the doctor today. But Hamada had been rough back. Just like the psychiatrist had underestimated them, he had underestimated Hamada. Some of that arrogance the guy carried around wasn't misplaced, he thought, laughing a little. Then he thought of Feilong again, and Asami. _What is this thing between us, just some big misunderstanding that's fueled all this hatred for all these years? Is that what was behind Feilong's last attempt on me a few months ago?_

He knew that wasn't the only problem. Asami was behind a lot of it too, his controlling nature. Takaba would give anything to break him of that.

 _Asami._ The last few weeks he'd spent a lot of time bitching about the man, swearing at him, hating what he'd done under so many circumstances. And yet he loved him. Why? What did he love? Why was he so sure there was anything worth saving? 

It was because of those few moments that Takaba kept wrapped up inside himself. Moments that told him Asami cared. That he was more than a cold bastard. The hand ruffling his hair at the pier. Embracing him in the shower after he'd been raped. Saving him from his own foolishness at Sion. Keeping him from harm in the hotel room. Understanding his betrayal for his friends' sakes. Jumping in front of bullets to protect him, all that blood, for him. Why couldn't he be warmer like that all the time?

 _Well_ , he thought, _I won't find the answers here today. Maybe next week we can get closer to a solution for all of us._

He stood up and headed for home.

 

**

 

After Takaba left, Feilong sat, looking at the floor. It hadn't been any easier this time. Hamada came back and knelt down beside him.

"Feilong? How are you feeling? Or maybe what are you feeling is a better question."

Feilong raised his eyes to Hamada, though the rest of his body hadn't moved. "I feel tired. I feel old, for being only twenty-nine. I feel a little confused." He raised his hand and brushed his hair back over his head and sat up.

"He's not what I expected. He was, at first. Just an angry brat. But he's more than that isn't he? He stood there after the insults I'd hurled at him, and even after the way I'd treated him... Though, you should know Hamada.... I don't recall much of the last two incidents. The first time, I was all there, though we were both a little drugged up. But the second two... I lost track of things. I blacked out. I only know I hurt him, but not how. I don't even know what happened the third time to be honest. It couldn't have been good though, the way it sent Asami into a rage.

"But the point is, I'd done these things to him to break him. Let's be honest. Maybe it was to turn him into a version of me. Just so he and Asami wouldn't be happy anymore. And yet he stood here today and reached out to me. He wants to understand me? If I were him, I'd laugh at my suffering and want to kill me."

Feilong looked at Hamada, tears in his eyes. "Is there something wrong with me for that? What is he that he can do this?"

Hamada smiled and spoke kindly. "Don't feel bad, Feilong. Most people aren't like him. He's quite special, Takaba is. He has a big heart. And don't mistake it for being foolish or naïve or innocent. He's been hurt very badly too. Yet he still retains his ability to care for others. It's remarkable. It's why I want you to know him."

Feilong still just sat. "Are your appointments done for the day?" 

Hamada nodded.

"Can we just have some tea? And talk for a bit?"

Hamada smiled. "I'll make some now."

 

**

 

Feilong was leaving his local bank the next morning when he ran into Asami on the street outside. 

He had been having a pleasant day, more pleasant than he'd had in months.

Then Asami showed up. He hadn't seen him since their day in court a few months before. They stopped dead and stared at each other. Their bodyguards encircled them, hands moving to weapons. Feilong was angry, very angry, but he was pleased that he remained in complete control.

"Asami. The Scourge of Tokyo these days. You have no idea the number of offers I've received to make a hit on you. Of course, I do not work for hire, though I do work to repay insults, as the offerers soon found out to their dismay. I understand you weaseled your way out of your therapy sessions."

Asami smirked. "Sorry that you didn't think of it?"

Feilong smiled back. "Sorry is what I'd call you for doing something like that. Who knows, Hamada-sensei might have pulled off a miracle and made you human."

"The same Hamada-sensei who once again broke ethics and told you about me? I wouldn't want his help."

"Actually it was Takaba-kun who told me all about it. You did realize we're in therapy sessions together?"

He watched with relish as Asami's eyes widened in shock. _Oh my, here's a chance for some revenge._

"He didn't tell you? Oh. My faux pas. Hamada was the first to realize it, you know. Then Takaba-kun and I were quick to understand it as well. The root of all our problems is, in fact, you."

Asami's face was turning red. Feilong couldn't believe this, the man was on the verge of a breakdown.

"We do so enjoy discussing it each week. Takaba-kun is quite a special young man. I'm learning to appreciate him more every time I see him."

Asami's eyes filled with rage and he lunged for Feilong, but his bodyguards stopped him. 

"Asami-sama. This is what led to your arrest earlier. This is not the place."

Asami glared at them and violently shook their hands off. The bodyguards looked at each other uncertainly, as if contemplating disobedience, but if so they did nothing but think about it. 

Asami's hands fisted and he spat words at Feilong. "Keep your hands off him! I've seen how you've appreciated him in the past. Don't you dare dirty him again. I've been lying low, but if you harm him, I won't hesitate to kill you. Any jail time would be worth it."

Feilong tilted his head. The boy had to be aware of this. How could he not see the love that was driving Asami into madness? It was so very clear to him. He stopped his teasing, but couldn't resist one last dig.

"I have no intention of harming him. I quite like him. A lot. Perhaps you should consider the fact that he has a choice now, and adjust your behavior accordingly. Because if I were he, I wouldn't want a psychotic bastard like you."

And with that he and his men walked around Asami and got into his car. It was only a small revenge and it would be fleeting once Asami discovered his lies, but it was delicious nonetheless.

 

**

 

Asami forgot why he'd come to the bank. A shaking hand dipped into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone. He walked over to his car and got in.

"Drive."

He cut the man off. "Just. Drive."

Hamada answered on the second ring.

"Hamada. I just had an interesting encounter with Feilong at my bank. He tells me your methods have changed since we last talked. You will explain yourself now, or I will be at your office within a half an hour and teaching you some discipline."

_"Asami-san. This is a bad time. I'm with a patient –"_

"Fuck that. Fuck you. I don't care if you're with a patient. You'll talk to me now. Whatever your priorities, I suggest you value your life more."

_"...Hold on for a second................OK, I have five minutes."_

"I thought you'd see it that way. Talk."

_"About what? What did Feilong say that has you so upset? He told you that they're in therapy together? So what? Takaba needs to understand what made Feilong rape him, and Feilong needs to understand Takaba so he doesn't do it again. The best way to do that is for them to talk to each other. What's your problem?"_

"That's not all Feilong said. He said they'd been seeing each other for weeks. That he'd formed an _attachment_. That Takaba was considering him as an _option_. I know the last isn't true. Fucked up or not, Takaba still knows who he belongs to. But Feilong is obviously pushing himself on him. I won't have it. You will end these sessions now."

He heard Hamada sigh. _"Asami-san. Don't you know anything about Feilong? He loves to piss you off. And he's studied you enough to know exactly which buttons to push. They had their first session yesterday afternoon, and it was less than comfortable between them, to put it mildly. Imagine how you think Takaba would react to seeing Feilong walk in, and you're probably right. He was not happy."_

Asami thought about how the boy had reacted to the name in the past, and he relaxed. The pounding slowed in his head and heart. He should have known Feilong would pull something like that. And he should have trusted Takaba a little more.

He paused at that thought, surprised by it. Did he trust Takaba? He shoved the idea to the side. Of course not. No one was trustworthy these days. In the end he could only trust himself, he knew that. What was he thinking? At any rate, things weren't as bad as they'd seemed. And he should have known that instantly and reacted with calm, he thought uneasily. 

_"Asami-san? Are you there? I need to get back to my patient. Is there anything else Your Majesty requires?"_

Asami was definitely going to discipline Hamada after Takaba was cured. The little prick had pushed it too far today.

"You said he'd be ready to face me this week. Is he?"

_"I said I'd know when he'd be ready, and I said after his appointment, which he's having late Thursday. I think soon, but I really need to talk to him first."_

"Soon, huh? Why doesn't that surprise me? Hamada, I have no more patience for your games. I intend to see him tonight."

_"Asami-san, if you want him to go stubborn and retreat back into his shell that's what you'll do. He's just coming out. Do you want to ruin everything? Do you want the last weeks to have been a waste?"_

"Dammit, I don't care! No. Fuck! Hamada, do you have any idea how much I want to kill you right now? That's not a joke, that's a real desire on my part. If you were in front of me, you'd be dead."

_"Four."_

"What? Four what? Will you make some sense?"

_"Asami-san, you sound like you're losing control. Are you unable to contain yourself for two more weeks?"_

Asami froze. "I never lose control. Fine. You have your week or two. No more. In two weeks he's going to be back in my life." Asami hung up. He gritted his teeth. He could do this. In the past he'd waited years for plans to come to fruition. This was just a matter of weeks, just for his favorite sexual partner. This was _nothing_. His chest twinged. He signaled his driver to return to the bank. 

**

Hamada hung up the phone and smiled. He wondered if Asami had any idea what he was revealing in these conversations. He'd know soon enough.


	12. Chapter 12

15:55, the following Monday. 

Feilong stepped out of the elevator as Takaba ran to the top of the stairs. They paused as they saw each other. Both had been thinking all week about what had happened. Both had discussed it with Hamada in their single sessions. Both realized it was a good thing, to be talking to the other about it. Neither particularly liked the other. Both were still very shy of the other's reaction. They nodded to each other and stepped to Hamada's outer door. Feilong opened it, and motioned Takaba in before him. Takaba blushed at being made to feel like a girl, then scowled and stepped in. He walked to the inner office door and held it for Feilong, who scowled and stepped through.

**

Hamada looked up as they entered and had to laugh. Then they scowled at him. They were like twins.

"Good afternoon. Before we start there's something I need to let you know. I have to be out of town next week, so those appointments will have to wait until I return the following week. I've needed to reschedule some appointments into your single slots this week, since I felt you could easily miss two. If you wish, I can transfer you to another therapist for the duration?"

"No!" They looked at each other and glared.

Hamada snickered. "Well then, that's settled. We'll see each other two weeks from today. Now, if you two kids would be seated."

They moved to their chairs, little of the tension from last week present.

"Now then, one more piece of business before we start. Feilong, was it really necessary to rile Asami up last week? He was all over my ass after you talked to him."

Takaba looked at Feilong. "What did you do?"

Feilong smirked. "I mentioned that we are in therapy together and that we had determined the problem was him."

Takaba snorted. "That's close enough to the truth."

"And I told him we were spending a lot of time together, and had grown quite close. I mentioned that you had a choice now, and that if he wanted to be picked he should shape up and act the suitor."

Takaba laughed.

Hamada's face was in his hands. "I know you guys think it's funny. Okay, it is funny. But do you have any idea what you nearly cost Takaba?"

Takaba looked over, alarmed. "Me?"

"Yes, you. He was headed over to your apartment to reclaim you but I managed to put a two week hold on his assault. You're lucky he didn't show up anyway. Takaba, the guy has lost it. He wants you back. Now."

Takaba looked alarmed. "I didn't want to have to deal with this yet. What the hell am I supposed to do?"

"Do what you did last time if he shows up. Be calm but aggressive from the start, be sure of yourself. Plan out ahead of time how you will respond so he doesn't take you by surprise. You know you can handle him because you've done it before."

"Do you honestly think that's going to stop him? When he's mad like this? I'll be lucky if he lets me live."

Feilong had been looking back and forth between the two of them. "What are you talking about? You're talking like you're afraid of him. He obviously cares about you. It was all over his face when he threatened to kill me for being near you."

Takaba sighed. "Get a clue, Feilong. That's not love. That's ownership. When he gets mad at you for touching me, it's the same way he'd get if you touched his BMW. Taking me for a joy ride is the same as taking his car for one. Only he doesn't punish his car for the transgression."

Feilong stared at him in disbelief. "I know what I saw."

Takaba looked back, scorn on his face. "Obviously not. What? You've been jealous of his relationships for eight years? Well, I'd say you're lucky for escaping him, if he was the way he is now. At least you got some good things out of knowing him. It sounds like he made you stand up for yourself. He gave you the will to survive, and the guts to take chances, and made you believe in yourself, at least for a little while. Maybe he was nicer back then. You know what he does to his lovers now? The opposite. He takes control, takes your will, likes it if you fight so he can conquer. There hasn't been one time when he's started sex that it hasn't been an assault of some kind. Right Hamada?"

Feilong looked at Hamada, who nodded.

"So if you were dreaming of a partner who'd see you as an equal, think again. He's never thought that way. But one time, a couple months ago, I made him feel what it was like to have me as an equal, and he loved it. I'm never going back. I'm not going to submit again. He'll change or he won't have me. And I intend to make him change."

Feilong looked uncertain. "But, and forgive me if I'm wrong, it seemed as if you enjoyed being taken by force."

Takaba's mouth hung open in shock. "You thought I enjoyed being raped by you. Where the hell did you get that idea? Was the blood a dead giveaway? Or the tears? Or the struggling? You do realize you drugged me that first time, so I had no choice but to respond?"

"But you did respond, I remember it. There was some pleasure for you."

"Forced pleasure. Forced to enjoy my humiliation. How would you have felt if your brother had given you those drugs so you enjoyed it while he raped you. Huh? Would you have called it enjoyment?"

Feilong turned white.

"And what about the last two times? Those were worse. They were horrible! Do you know how many nightmares I've had about them, about you with those cold eyes? You almost killed me, both times. If Asami hadn't shown up, I'd be dead. I don't even think you saw me. Were you even there mentally when you tried to break me?"

Feilong looked guilty. "No. No I wasn't. I don't know what happened then. That's why I'm here. I don't want it to happen again."

Takaba's voice was flat. "Don't you. Well neither do I. You're fucking up my life, with all these rapes, so goddammit stop it! You and Asami. You think I'm some kind of happy, carefree boy, don't you? Well I'm not. First he comes along and rapes me, using drugs, just like you did, to teach me my place. Then wherever he sees me after that, his club, my apartment, after you get through with me – wherever, whenever he wanted, he'd take me. And so it went for months. Yeah, I enjoyed him. He made me that way. But I _never_ enjoyed what you did."

Hamada watched Takaba, a completely changed man, talking about the rapes that made him shatter and cry a couple months ago. He was fierce and angry now, able to talk because they'd talked about it so much. He wanted Feilong to get to that point as well.

He looked at Feilong, who looked disconcerted and uncomfortable. 

_That's right, face what you've done. To someone who was kind to you last week. Learn to feel the consequences for once. He's not just a nameless body, and not someone who deserved it, yet you hurt him._

His gaze shifted back to Takaba, whose voice had become bitter.

"Asami has been trying to cage and control me since the day we met. But it's not enough that it happens. He wants _me_ to be the one to do it. To walk into the cage and close the door, to put the collar around my neck. And you know what? He's so good at it I was on the verge of doing it. Even now I care about him more than I've cared about anyone, and I'm not entirely sure why. I guess I see some good in him. Maybe I'm delusional, but sometimes I see a little of it come through. He'd stop it if he knew I did. It only happens when he's not aware that he's doing it. He has to be cold, hard, and he keeps saying it's nothing but sex. Sometimes I wonder who he's trying to convince, him or me."

Takaba had been looking off to the side. Now he turned that unflinching stare back upon Feilong.

"And then there's you. You go for a straightforward rape, yeah you sure do. Rape with the potential of death, and a side of humiliation. Because you want to get even with me for having _fun_ ," he spit the word, "with Asami. And get even with Asami for _caring_ about me instead of you."

Feilong winced at the words, as if each was a blow.

"And finally there was Asami's little escapade with Hamada a couple months ago. That brought it all home. For once I thought I'd found someone to help me out of this mess and took a chance on him, only to find out I'd been betrayed before I even trusted."

"Do you know what you did to me?" He turned to Hamada. "You wanted to know what happened when I ran, when I ended up down on Miura beach? I broke. I lost it. I couldn't function. I thought there was no way out except for death." 

Hamada gasped. "But..."

"That's right. But. But I don't go down without a fight. So I looked at my broken self and rebuilt me, and made me stronger, impervious, hard. And I stuck all those feelings inside the new shell and pretended they didn't exist. And I came up looking like Frankenstein's monster, thinking I'd healed myself. Sound familiar Feilong? Because it looks like you've got a couple bolts in your neck as well. Congratulations. You created a monster. Just like yourself."

Hamada saw Feilong's eyes go wide as he sat there, stunned. _Realizing it finally, are you?_ Hamada thought. _Thank god._

Takaba's eyes softened a little. "But thank God that Hamada-sensei was here to pick up the pieces. He didn't give up, even though I was being the Ass of the Year, or at least the third place Ass of the Year behind you and Asami. He broke through and made me realize what an idiot I'd been. He's been helping me really fix the problem. I owe him. That's why I'm here." 

Takaba looked at him, thanks in his eyes. He felt a glow in his chest that he'd never before felt from success in a case. He knew he'd never forget the feeling, and would spend the rest of his life trying to get it back on every case he took.

"Hamada-sensei made me remember that it's not living to shut yourself away and be scared. That life is made worthwhile by the risks. That's also why I'm here. I'm taking a risk in talking to you, Feilong. I'm hoping that we can reach an understanding. That we can finally end the trouble between us."

Takaba finally fell silent, and waited. Feilong sat there, obviously conflicted by all he'd heard.

Hamada knew this was the chance he'd been working towards for Feilong. He had to convince him to take it. "Feilong. We've talked about this. About friendship and the need for connections to others. I know you haven't thought it worth the risk. But look at the risk you took coming here, and how it's paid off already. And the risk you took in trusting me. Believe me, I know how much you felt you were gambling. But things are better for you for doing that. You need to risk pain to get the good things in life. You've come so far. Don't let your past rule your future anymore."

He waited, believing in the men who sat across from him.

The office was silent except for faint sounds of life from beyond the room.

With a long sigh that seemed to release something pent up within him, Feilong finally looked up at Hamada and smiled wryly. "You're right. As usual. It's up to us in the end to change things." 

He looked at Takaba and took a deep breath. "Very well. I agree. Let us end this. There's no reason for the enmity between us to continue. If you can do this, I have no objection to doing the same. And we will determine how to deal with Asami, together."

And so they finally talked.

 

**

 

Fei sat in the restaurant and looked at the food congealing on his plate. The day's therapy session kept playing through his mind, making it impossible to enjoy it. He poked at the duck breast, toppling the carefully stacked concoction on it. It tasted more like clay than the French cuisine he was paying for. 

He scoffed at his weakness. So what if Takaba had been in pain? So he didn't like the thought of it anymore, that's what. He sighed. Hamada's meddling had made it impossible for him to remain detached from the young man. He no longer saw him as part of Asami, but a strong person on his own, one that he'd found himself admiring that day. Fei had to admit that in striking out at Takaba he'd struck the wrong person.

Fei owed Takaba an apology and he didn't like it. But he was an honorable man, and that was part of what honor meant. 

Fei sighed again and pushed his tasteless entrée away. He just didn't want to eat, so he paid the bill and left the restaurant. The stars shone brightly even through the night lights of Tokyo, and a cool breeze tugged at his hair. He decided to walk for a bit. Dismissing his guard and driver over their protests, he set off on foot, with no particular place to go.

He wound up in a park that had some walking trails, benches, and some sports fields. There was a group of boys playing baseball on one of the diamonds, and he wandered over to watch.

He'd never gotten to play baseball when he was young. Because of the family, they hadn't been allowed to go to school, much less associate with other children. His sports were solitary ones. He remembered watching kids play ball, then asking his father if he could play too, only to be told that baseball wasn't for people like them. He knew it really meant that friends weren't for people like him.

He winced as a boy missed an easy catch. They were terrible players. But they were having so much fun. The easy camaraderie, the laughter and joking, someone to sling an arm around in happiness, someone to commiserate with in pain. 

Fei had never experienced this. Certainly not with his brother, who was the only one available who might have been a friend, but who became someone who could not be trusted, only obeyed. He'd thought maybe Asami…

His chest felt heavy and his breath caught. Was this all he was destined to have? Surely he deserved something. But all he had were memories of pain and betrayal, not even interspersed with something sweet. That's what he'd _thought_ he deserved. It was part of his punishment for failing his family.

But did Hamada have a point? Hamada had been right about a lot of things so far. 

Maybe he was still punishing himself for being the one left alive, and no one deserves punishment for such a thing. Was this self-hatred? Or was it just him being afraid of another betrayal and the pain that followed?

Something hit the grass near him with a thump, startling him out of his thoughts. It was the baseball the boys were playing with. He bent down and picked it up, staring at it, the first time he'd held one, though he'd held one in dreams. His grip tightened on it. Maybe he had just been throwing his chances away all this time. What was so wrong with trying to gain some happiness?

"Hey, mister! Can we have our ball back?" One of the boys was shouting from the diamond.

He looked at the ball again then threw it, watching it arc over the green field into the hands of the boy who'd called to him. Connections. The boy waved his thanks, and Fei found himself waving back, then feeling foolish for doing so. He stuck his hands into his pockets so they wouldn't do something embarrassing again.

Connections to other people. Fei wanted one, desperately. One not based upon power or threats, but just friendship, someone to talk to. He didn't have a clue about how to make a friend. Did he just pick someone then leave them if they failed him, until he found someone who worked out? No, too time-consuming. He needed someone he already knew. 

The only people he'd been talking to lately were Hamada and Takaba and Asami. Needless to say, Asami was out. He and Hamada agreed that they were just doctor and patient. That left Takaba.

Fei wondered what the chances were of Takaba ever considering him a friend, after the way Fei had treated him. Things had eased between them. But he still owed him an apology. Maybe that would be a good first step.

He looked at the clock on the park tower. It was late, but he wanted to do this before he changed his mind. He knew where Takaba lived of course. It was his job to know such things. 

Fei set off to try to make a connection.


	13. Chapter 13

Takaba was going over a new magazine spread when he heard a knock at his door. He glanced at the clock. _Midnight? Who in the world?_ He stiffened where he sat. There was only one man who would come here this late. _If he thinks he's going to push me around tonight..._ He strode to the door and opened it defiantly, ready for battle.

It wasn't Asami. It was Fei. Standing there with his hands in his pockets.

"May I come in?"

Takaba was at a loss. He stepped aside and motioned with his hand. Fei entered and removed his shoes, and walked further into the room.

"Would you, uh, like something to drink?"

Fei was looking around, squinting at the decor.

"Hey, I can't afford a decorator like some people!"

Fei paused and looked sideways at him.

"Is a decorator really necessary to explain that yellow plaid does not go with pink roses?" 

"What? What's wrong with it?"

Fei rolled his eyes. "I would be more than happy to suggest a different look. One that would be much more harmonious in nature."

Takaba bit back a nasty reply. The guy was trying to be nice, sort of. "I'll tell you what. I don't have your kind of money. I'll give you a budget of 20,000 yen. If you can come up with something for under that amount, I'll do it."

Fei's jaw dropped at the paltry amount. "That won't even buy a single decent vase!"

"Hey, if you're not up to it..."

Fei glared. "I'm up to it. You had offered a drink. Do you have anything here besides grape Kool-Aid?"

Takaba laughed. Fei wasn't so bad. Once he stopped raping a guy, he reminded himself.

"I have American bourbon. Will that do?"

"It will do, thank you. On ice."

Takaba pulled out his good stuff, the Maker's Mark, and poured a couple fingers into two glasses with ice. He took them and the bottle over to the couch. Fei was bending over the coffee table, browsing through the photos on it. Takaba handed a glass to him and sat on the couch. He gestured for Fei to sit down, which he did.

"They're for a magazine spread I'm doing on area parks in the fall."

Fei picked a few up and examined them more closely. "They're very lovely. You're quite talented Takaba-san. I'd consider framing some of these."

Compliments from Liu Feilong. Why did he feel like he was in the Twilight Zone? 

Fei continued. "I have no idea how you can capture beauty like this and still have no fashion sense."

"Phew. For a minute there I thought you were an alien, with the compliments and all."

Fei turned his head to look at Takaba, his back straight, his movement graceful.

"I can be nice." 

He took a sip of bourbon and winced and looked at the glass.

"Hey, that's good stuff. It says right here on the bottle it's from Ken...tu... well it's from wherever they make good bourbon." Takaba wondered when Fei would get to the point of his visit. He sat back and sipped his drink. Fei still sat on the edge of the couch, back straight, elegant, like a ballerina.

"Don't you ever relax?"

Fei started. He laughed nervously and took a drink. "What? Of course I relax. I'm quite relaxed right now."

Takaba took another sip. "No you're not. Your back looks like you have a steel rail stuck up your ass. Sit back into the couch, put your feet up on the table."

Takaba leaned forward and moved his photos to the side. "There. Go on."

Fei looked at him in horror. "You put your feet on the furniture?"

Takaba couldn't believe this guy. "It's not like you have shoes on. Put Your Feet On The Table."

Fei gingerly sat back on the couch, trying his best not to touch it with any bare flesh, and lifted his feet up. He looked like a straight-limbed doll whose joints had been bent to make it sit.

"I think you need more to drink." Takaba poured more liquor into his glass.

 

\--

 

"...and then I shot him. Blew his fucking head clean off." Fei was laughing helplessly, his hand holding his stomach.

Takaba stared at him in horror. "That's your idea of a funny story?"

Fei stopped and looked at him, eyes wide. "It seemed funny at the time." He started laughing again. "I'd like some more bourbon please."

Takaba filled his glass for the fourth – no fifth time? He squinted at the bottle. They'd had quite a bit, must be his fifth. He chuckled. If he'd made a list of things he never expected to happen, this would have been in the top three. 

He ran his eyes over the man. He still looked like a doll, but a china doll, delicate, fragile, lovely. Fei smiled at him. A doll with a 200 watt smile.

He wondered...

He set his glass down and moved over next to Fei. Fei focused on him successfully, then smiled again. "Hello Takaba-san!"

Takaba leaned in close to Fei's ear, brushing the soft hair with his nose. "Hello Fei," he said softly. "You smell nice."

Fei turned to look at him, but his eyes were sad. "I _am_ a nice person."

Like no one ever believed it. Like no one had ever said it. The pain behind the words punched through Takaba's gut, and his eyes overflowed with tears.

Fei reached up and touched them, looking at his fingers where they sparkled on the ends. "Are these for me?" His voice was soft and in awe.

"Fei..." Takaba's voice broke. He put his arms around the other man, pulling him against his chest so his head was under Takaba's chin. Fei wrapped his arms around Takaba's waist and held him back tightly. He buried his face in Takaba's chest, then lifted it to look at him. His eyes were shimmering with tears.

"I'm sorry Takaba. I'm so sorry." The tears overflowed and Fei buried his face against Takaba's shirt again. "I'm so sorry I hurt you." 

Takaba had never expected to hear the words. He'd never expected anyone to acknowledge his pain. And here was the man who'd caused it doing just that. Taking responsibility. Acknowledging that he was a person who hadn't deserved what had been done to him. Something wrenched inside him, and he began crying as helplessly as Fei. 

Fei's sobs started coming harder, wracking his body. Takaba just held him, silently crying himself, stroking his hair and rubbing his hands over Fei's back. He knew now from the sessions how overwhelming Fei's pain was. 

Takaba couldn't stand seeing anyone hurting. Even this man. No – especially this man, now that he knew what was behind it. All he wanted to do was ease it. Takaba kept his hand moving through Fei's hair, his own tears wetting the strands. What a pair they made, crying drunks. He supposed that when you looked at it, they were pretty similar. Maybe even more similar than different.

Takaba continued to hold him, stroking his hair. _He's so trusting right now. He's like a little boy._ He wondered, when was the last time Fei had really cried like this? 

He was pulled from his thoughts by Fei saying something ... _Father?_

"What Fei? I didn't hear you."

Fei's sobs grew even harder. "Father! I'm sorry!" He clung to Takaba.

_Huh? But... His father? Shit, didn't he say that Asami shot him? What the hell, is he reliving that now?_ Takaba had experienced flashbacks himself from the rapes, sometimes wishing them on the man before him. But now that he was holding him in the midst of one, revenge felt empty and petty. He held Fei close. He wasn't going to let him stay in whatever horror he was stuck in. 

"Fei." 

"Fei. Can you hear me?"

"Father..."

Fei's grip on him was bruising.

"Fei, it's Takaba. It's alright, Fei. You're with me. Sitting on my ugly couch. Remember, the yellow plaid? And the pink roses? Can you picture them Fei? Can you try?"

Fei's grip was still tight, but his sobbing was less violent.

"That's it Fei. Do you remember the colors in the plaid? Can you tell me what they are?" Fei's breathing was harsh but the sobs had stopped.

"Let me help. There's some brown, can you picture that awful brown, with some green lines running across? What colors am I saying?"

"G...green."

"That's right. And brown..."

"...Brown..."

"And some blue..."

"Blue..." Fei's grip gentled.

"And all on a background of yellow."

"Yellow."

"What were the colors again?"

"Blue." A breath. "Yellow." Another breath.

"That's good. Two more. Blue and yellow and.."

"Green and Brown"

"That's great!"

Fei was looking at him now, eyes fixed on his face. Takaba kept talking to him, constantly asking him brief questions that made him concentrate on something else. Fei's responses grew stronger until he sagged with relief against Takaba's now wet chest. He was shaking weakly. "Don't... please... don't leave me." 

Takaba still held onto him, still stroked his hair. "It's okay Fei, I'm not going anywhere. You can stay right here all night, alright?"

"Why? ... Why...?"

Takaba's hand stilled, though he left it on Fei's head. "I guess... lots of reasons. I'm just not like that. To turn my back on someone in need, on a friend."

"Friend...?"

And with that Fei fell asleep, still holding onto Takaba. Takaba sighed. _It looks like another night on the ugly couch._ He pulled the blanket from the back and draped it over the two of them. He put his arms back around Fei and rested his cheek on the top of his head.

"Yeah," he said softly, "friend."

 

\--

 

Fei awoke the next morning to the sun rising through the window, pouring light onto the couch, warming his body. He closed his eyes, hoping the sun would go back down. His head was pounding from the bourbon; his back was aching from the couch. But strangely, he felt good. 

He lay there listening to the heartbeat of the man who slept underneath him. Takaba was so warm. He felt so good to hold. Fei rubbed his cheek on Takaba's t-shirt, and a desire began to build. He remembered Takaba moving close to him last night, his nose in Fei's hair. He knew the boy desired him. No, he corrected. The man. Takaba had changed a lot over the past weeks, and one result was a new maturity that Fei found both reassuring and exciting.

He looked at Takaba's face, his lips, usually in motion but so still and relaxed here. He eased himself up Takaba's body and moved closer to them. He bent his head down to taste them and hesitated.

_Friend_ , he'd said. It had been so unexpected. Takaba's spirit was generous beyond belief. If Takaba was giving him a gift of his friendship, he would cherish it. His head tilted up and his lips gently pressed upon Takaba's forehead instead. Then he scooted back down, put his head on Takaba's chest, and let the sound of his breathing lull him back into sleep.

 

\--

 

Takaba awoke to a morning sun high in the sky. His back ached; his head pounded. He was holding a gorgeous man in his arms. He closed his eyes again and started thinking about what had occurred the night before. His surprise at Fei's arrival, complaints about the décor, Fei's stiff back, the drinking, the apology, the flashback. He picked the apology out of the list and held it close. He thought maybe that was why Fei had come here in the first place, but that he'd been too unsure of its reception to say anything until the bourbon made him talk.

His hand absently trailed through Fei's hair. His eyes focused on it and he marveled at the beauty. So delicate yet so strong, so soft and supple yet so easily tangled. With a slight start he noticed Fei's eyes were open and watching him. He glanced away, removed his fingers from Fei's hair, and mumbled "Sorry."

"It's alright. It felt nice."

He moved his eyes back to meet Fei's and was surprised at the warmth and humor he saw there. No longer cold. No longer dead. Not like the eyes that he'd seen in his nightmares. He lifted his hand to Fei's face, testing for a warmth that would convince him that this was real, that it wouldn't suddenly change back into the familiar. Fei rubbed his cheek against his fingers as their eyes remained upon each other's. His hand trembled. His head pounded but he didn't think it was the bourbon anymore. Who was he kidding? He was hard. He wanted this man. He liked this man. He liked his rapist.

The shock of the realization was enough to kill the desire. He instinctively pulled back, and saw Fei's eyes empty of the warmth they'd held, filling instead with sadness. He was confused, wanting to offer comfort yet repulsed by feeling that way. His need to comfort won, and his arms tightened about the other man, who struggled slightly against the hold. He sighed.

"I'm sorry, Fei. It'll just take some time. You understand that don't you?" He felt Fei relax against him. 

Fei laughed a sad little laugh. "I have some experience with that."

Takaba hesitated, then asked anyway. "Do you love him at all anymore?" 

Fei's eyes darted towards his, then away as he thought about the question. "I'm not sure I ever loved him to begin with. I could have easily come to love him, but we were only together for a few days so it didn't have a chance to develop. I adored him, certainly. He was everything I wanted to be. Confident, strong, charismatic, having a real purpose. And he was interested in _me_. 

"He was this bright flame that drew me towards him. I would have been willing to burn myself to ashes on him, because I thought he burned for me."

Fei paused, then looked at Takaba. "But he didn't. He never really said he did. I just let myself see what I wanted and needed there. Granted, he saw what was happening and let it, but he never really lied and led me on. Most of the fault lay within my own inexperience."

Fei's words made him uneasy.

"In a way, it's like how we humanize animals, assigning human motivations and emotions because we'd like to believe they stay with us for love, rather than just for food and shelter. I'm not sure he's capable of love, at least not as he was eight years ago. But I wanted to believe he was."

He asked Fei bluntly, "And you think that's what I'm doing with him?"

Fei looked at him, surprise on his face. "I wasn't even thinking of you, to be honest. But it's interesting that we both feel this way about our relationships with him, isn't it?"

Takaba agreed with that, yet disagreed with the rest. "There has to be something more. I know there are psychos out there who can't feel anything for anyone. But Asami just doesn't feel crazy. He's a control freak, but a sane control freak. I know there's good in him. I know he cares. I know he could express it if he'd let himself. I'd just once like to break that control and make him face it. I want to know what's underneath."

Fei tilted his head a little, looking at him. "It would be dangerous to do. And you might not like what you find. But I admit I'm curious also."

Takaba sat up, lifting Fei with him. "I'm tired of not knowing. Listen, I'm smart. You're a crimelord. We should be able to come up with a plan."

Fei looked down at him from a superior height. "I'll come up with the plan. You make tea."

Takaba scowled. "I can do more than make tea."

"Forgive me. You're right. Try to look pretty when you serve it."

Takaba grumbled under his breath as he headed for the kitchen, but he had a small smile on his face, and he noticed that Fei did too.

 

**

 

Fei's plan, like all good ones, was simple and obvious. They'd move in together and break Asami with jealousy. Takaba thought it might work, but for the wrong reasons. Fei knew it would work, but suggested it for the wrong reasons. They were both gambling with more at stake than they wanted to admit. But they'd both learned that to live was to take risks, and to care for someone meant taking the biggest risk of all.

 

**

 

They went house shopping the next day, and found a lovely home, very expensive. But when your partner is a Chinese crimelord things such as money just don't matter. The place was empty and they began moving in immediately. Fei didn't really have any furniture with him, so they planned on buying everything new.

"Everything but a couch," Fei said. "We'll use yours."

"I thought you hated that couch."

"I did. But I'll never forget the night I spent on it. I want to always have it around to remind me of that."

Takaba blushed. They went back to his place and took his photographic equipment and albums, his clothing (despite Fei's displeasure), and the couch. The rest they just left.

 

\--

 

The next couple of days were spent in a whirlwind of shopping, for furnishings and servants. Takaba couldn't believe what a scary person Fei was when he was driving a hard bargain.

"I thought you were going to knife that sales manager."

"I considered it, but he wouldn't move far enough away from the table. There would have been blood all over it."

"You're joking. I know you're joking. You must be joking."

Fei's lips twitched.

 

\--

 

The décor Takaba pretty much left to Fei, though Fei insisted that he come along to learn some things. Takaba stood bored in antique shops while clerks fought over who would get to serve Fei. The excitement picked up a little when one clerk put his hand on Fei's ass. Takaba was on him in a second, twisting his wrist until he cried out. 

"How dare you touch him like that?"

Fei stood very still, watching him. He reached over and laid his hand on his friend's arm. "It's alright, Takaba. Let's leave now." He put his arm around Takaba's shoulders, leading him from the store as Takaba glared back. 

Takaba later apologized. "But I just couldn't watch him maul you like that."

Fei kissed his cheek and thanked him.

 

\--

 

They'd been spending all their time together in public, just asking for someone to spot them, and finally moved into the house by the end of the week. It was nice to have a decent meal prepared by a cook in their own kitchen. Fei insisted on eating on the ugly couch, which at least had a coffee table in front of it.

"I hate to admit it Fei, but I've had a lot of fun the past few days. It was like winning a lottery and having to spend all the money at once."

Fei sipped his tea and smiled. "I too, have very much enjoyed the time I've spent with you. I'm used to spending money, but not used to spending time with a friend."

Takaba's eyes softened, then reached out as if to stroke Fei's hair. He felt shy. "You know, that morning, all I could think about was how good it felt to lay on this couch and run my hands through your hair."

"I felt that way too."

Fei pushed Takaba back until he reclined, then Fei curled up at his side. Takaba's hands slowly rose and began combing through Fei's hair, until they both fell asleep.

 

\--

 

With the army of servants, the house was quickly put in order. Takaba and Fei still had to take care of some details on their own, but for the most part these were easily dealt with. They finally relaxed one evening out on their balcony, which overlooked a garden. 

Takaba stood leaning back against the railing and sipped his tea. "Why do you think we haven't heard from him?"

Takaba averted his eyes as Fei walked towards him. It was getting harder to ignore his impulses. 

Fei paused beside him. "I've heard that his men aren't passing everything through to him these days. That they don't trust his judgment. If this keeps up he'll be in real trouble. There will be a bloodbath in his ranks."

Takaba was worried. He turned his head towards Fei. "Shouldn't we do something?"

Fei shrugged. "What? Extend an invitation? We can if it goes on much longer. But Hamada-sensei said Asami gave a deadline of two weeks, and the time is up tomorrow. I think we'll be hearing from him soon enough."

Takaba turned and bent over the railing to look at the garden more closely.

"Are those roses?"

Fei moved over behind him, arms on the rail on either side, his head next to Takaba's to see where he was looking.

"I believe so. I don't know much about growing things and so left them to a recommended gardener."

Takaba laughed. "What is this? Is Liu Feilong admitting there's an area of decorating that he knows nothing about?" He turned his head to look at Fei and found himself inches away from his friend's face. His breath rushed in as his eyes dropped to Fei's lips, then rose back up to Fei's eyes. They froze that way for a moment.

Fei's voice came low and rough. "Do you really need him Takaba? Could you not be happy here without him?"

Takaba's eyes dropped and he turned back to the garden, though he leaned back into Fei's embrace. The arms around him were tight and trembling. 

"I don't know, Fei. I don't think I could, if only because I'd always wonder if we couldn't have helped him. It's not because you lack anything that I'm confused. It's the opposite actually. I can't believe how much I'm attracted to you, and how much I've come to care for you, and how quickly. It's like there's always been a connection between us that we were each too stupid to understand."

He felt Fei's lips on his hair, his breath warm and moist. He closed his eyes as he fought his desire. Why did he have to resist? Asami wouldn't have. Asami never did. Asami shouldn't factor into this. _But won't it only hurt you in the long run if I give in?_

He hadn't realized he'd spoken aloud until Fei spoke. "If it's my pain that worries you, shouldn't it be my decision? The only thing that worries me is the possibility of losing your friendship. You're my only friend, Takaba. I don't want to jeopardize that." 

Fei sighed, then continued. "But I also can't change what I'm feeling, and the feelings have only grown. It's only natural, I think, that after such a length of time in the desert, I would try to drink deeply of emotions offered." He rubbed his cheek on Takaba's hair. "The last thing I want to do is put pressure on you. But if I've learned anything these months it's that I need to speak up and be honest. I'd always regret it if I didn't say something." 

He took a deep breath. "I think I'm falling in love with you."

Takaba closed his eyes. He knew. He knew that's what had been happening in their time together. He just hadn't wanted to stop it. He liked the way Fei was made happy by his attentions. He liked being treated as something precious, respected and admired and cared for. He liked that this powerful and dangerous man had become gentle and loving around him, and he was falling in love himself because of it. 

But Asami stood there between them. And if Asami just once showed what Fei did, Takaba would be his for life.

_Oh God, Fei... I'm so sorry._

The last thing he wanted was to cause Fei more pain, but he had to stop this now.

"Fei, if Asami needs me I'll go back to him."

Takaba felt the body behind him sag a little.

"I know. You wouldn't be the person I cared about if you did anything else. But you won't let him push me from your life?"

Takaba turned around, furious. "Just what kind of person do you think I am? You should know I'd never give up a friend, and you're considerably more than that. If he asks me to do that he can go to hell. I don't want to be with him if he's still being a control freak."

Fei laughed, blinking tears away. He would always have this, his friend, and that was worth more to him than even his empire. "Thank you. I'm just... It's just that I'm not used to someone standing by me."

Takaba's eyes were still stormy. "Well, get used to it." That gaze became frustrated and Takaba turned his head away with a sigh.

"What is it, Takaba?"

Takaba's eyes snapped back to his. "Akihito, Fei. Call me Akihito. Heck, I've been calling you by your first name since I met you."

Fei laughed again, pleased by the gesture, knowing it wasn't an empty one. "Out of respect, I'm sure. Akihito. But I don't think that is all that was bothering you..."

Akihito turned red. "Well it's just that every time we're about to kiss something happens and it doesn't and I can't stop thinking about it and wondering what it would be like..."

Fei's breath caught at the sight of the roses on those cheeks. And at the chance he'd been given. One he hadn't been willing to take, not out of fear, but because he would never again take anything uninvited from this man, this friend. This love. 

He put his forefinger under Akihito's chin and tilted it up. He ran the pad of his thumb back and forth over Akihito's lower lip. "So soft." 

His other hand lifted to Akihito's cheek, fingers brushing the flushed skin. His hand slipped up into Akihito's hair, his finger's running through the thick brown silk. He wallowed in the texture a moment before his hand slid behind Akihito's head and pulled him forward until their lips met in a featherlight kiss. 

Fei kept his eyes open, not wanting to miss anything, as he gently coaxed those soft full lips apart. He watched Akihito's eyes, and knew he wasn't mistaken in what he saw there. Love. Regret. It hurt all the more, knowing that his feelings were returned. That he was even then inadequate. 

Fei stifled his pain and turned his attention back to Akihito's mouth, now open, his tongue licking at Fei's lips. Fei could deny him nothing, and opened his mouth wide and took Akihito's tongue in. They took turns tasting the other, Fei finding hints of tea and berries on top of something uniquely Aki. 

Fei memorized it all. This first and last kiss. The welcoming lips. The sensation of Akihito's tongue flicking around the inside of his mouth, tickling. The smell of Akihito's soap, something stringent and clean, layered underneath the slight musk of the day's sweat. The sight of Akihito's eyes, half closed, losing focus. His thick black lashes brushing blushing cheeks. Moans, his and Akihito's, at the rising passion between them. 

Fei's hands trembled. He didn't want this kiss to ever stop. 

But kisses have to end, and this one did, Akihito pulling back, both men breathing heavily, Fei shaking with the effort required to restrain himself from taking what he wanted. 

Akihito sagged against his chest. "You know, if by some chance Asami keels over when he has his breakdown, would you be free for a date after the funeral?" 

Fei started laughing helplessly, tears in his eyes, as he held Akihito and looked out into his now dark garden.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a little long- health problems that are hopefully under control.
> 
> \---------

Asami sat at his desk, going over the financial records from his latest acquisition, fingers punching at his calculator. _Why the hell won't the numbers add up?_ He hit the enter key too hard and it stuck. He tossed the pages aside and threw the calculator in the trash.

 _Why the fuck hasn't Hamada called? It's been two weeks. He should have called an hour ago._ He tore the cellophane off yet another pack of cigarettes, ripped the box open and lit one. Cigarette in mouth, he grabbed the cell phone out of his pocket and hit speed dial 4.

_"We're sorry. Hamada-sensei is out of the office this week. If this is an emergency –"_

Asami slowly rose from his chair. He placed the crushed phone on the desk and put his spare in his pocket. Why hadn't his men notified him? 

_They had to have known._

Betrayal was the only answer he could come up with. 

"Kirishima! I want Maeda in here now!"

Asami reached inside his jacket and smoothly pulled his 9mm out. He snapped off the safety and checked to make sure there was a round in the chamber, then stepped swiftly to the side of the door. 

When Maeda walked in, Asami slammed the door shut, Maeda against it, and pressed the barrel of the gun against his lieutenant's forehead and his other arm against his throat. Maeda froze.

"Were you aware that Hamada was gone this week?"

"Yes, Asami-sama."

"Why didn't you inform me?"

Maeda swallowed. "For your own protection, Asami-sama."

The answer took Asami aback. "Explain." The gun didn't budge.

Maeda kept his eyes lowered. "You've been too volatile the last few weeks, doing more dangerous and erratic things. We were afraid –"

"We? Afraid?" Asami's voice was a dangerous purr. "You and others? Who else is in this little conspiracy? You've been deciding which information to feed me? You think yourselves more capable of making decisions than I am, do you?" _First Akihito, then Hamada, then my own men. Who do they think they are? Who do they think I am?_ Asami's free hand slid over to encircle Maeda's neck and he crushed him against the door.

"I wonder if you've been withholding other things as well." Maeda's eyes shifted and Asami's eyes narrowed. He shoved the gun harder against the man's forehead and his fingers tightened around his windpipe.

"I don’t like that look of yours, Maeda," he growled softly. "What else have you been withholding? Business details? What?"

"No! No boss! Nothing like that." Maeda's voice was a croak. "Just about the boy. We fed you harmless stuff. About Takaba-san."

The room faded from view. All he saw was the gun and the head of the man in front of him. Maeda seemed to be speaking in slow motion. _What had happened to Akihito?_ The gun began vibrating against Maeda's head, and his man's eyes widened in fear.

"Asami-sama! Let me talk! Let me explain! We can't afford a war right now. All the syndicates in Tokyo are ready to take us down! You're going nuts over this kid!"

Asami didn't answer. He just pushed harder on the gun, the barrel cutting skin. _What had happened to Akihito?_

Maeda knew better than to complain. He knew that at the wrong word he'd die. 

Asami's eyes were boring into his head with as much pressure as the gun. "What have you been keeping from me about Akihito?"

He felt Maeda's throat convulse as he tried swallowing again before rasping out, "We got some new information about Takaba-san. Last week." 

_Last week. A Whole Fucking Week Ago._ "Go on."

"It seems he has moved into a house."

_How could he afford that? Unless..._

The gun started vibrating again. Blood ran down Maeda's forehead. "Who is he living with?"

Asami knew before Maeda spoke, but he had to hear it. Asami's voice was a growl of rage. "Who owns the house?"

Maeda closed his eyes. "Asami-sama. It's Liu Feilong."

 _Feilong._ Asami closed his eyes against the spinning room. _Akihito._ His arms dropped to his sides. _Feilong and Akihito?_ His lungs kept trying to draw more air in. _It couldn't be. It made no sense. Akihito couldn't want to be there._

"Asami-sama?" Asami opened his eyes to see Maeda on the floor before him, head bowed in apology. The sight made him sick. His voice came out as a harsh rasp he didn't recognize.

"Get out. Get out, you disgusting piece of trash. Get out of Tokyo if you want to live. Get out of Japan if you're smart."

Maeda ran.

Asami stared after him, paralyzed in his rage. He should have killed him. He should have blown his fucking head off. What the hell was wrong with him? He looked down at the gun in his hand willing it to move.

With a roar of rage he wrenched himself from the trap his mind was weaving. He raised his gun and emptied it into the plate glass window behind his desk. Shards of glass flew, coating his floor and desk with diamond-like particles, reflecting pieces of him back. 

Blood dripped from his cheek. He replaced the gun's empty magazine.

"Kirishima! I want the car. Now!"

 

**

 

Asami's limo stopped in front of the very upscale Western-style home. They'd been allowed past the gate after Feilong's guards removed all their weapons. One guard had smiled and said he could keep his cell phone though. That guard wouldn't be speaking for months. Not with his broken jaw wired shut.

Asami seethed. He hadn't brought the men to win a gunfight because he had no idea who he could trust. He had to be careful. He had to take Takaba back and leave. Retribution would come later, for all of them, once Takaba was safe.

A maid was waiting at the front door and let him into the house, then led him to a sitting room. He froze at the sight awaiting him. Feilong and Takaba were curled into one another on an ugly couch, sharing what looked like a passionate kiss, a book forgotten between them. And Takaba looked more than willing.

_He couldn't be..._

_Takaba would never..._

_All the times I've protected him..._

His hands curled into fists to keep himself from ripping the two of them apart, the way he was ripping apart inside.

He knew it had been staged to provoke him, knew they realized just when he'd get there. But the fact that they flaunted it on purpose made his head throb and his chest ache. 

_Akihito...?_

The cut on his cheek was open again. He felt the blood dripping. He dragged the sleeve of his jacket across it, his eyes never leaving the couple. His anger was demanding release.

_Not now. It's not the time. Do you want him to die in the middle of it? First get him out. First make sure he's safe. Then. Then...._

Yes. He had to get Takaba out of here, where it was safe, away from Feilong's power. There were too many of Feilong's men around. Now wasn't the time. Besides, he wouldn't give them the satisfaction of knowing they'd provoked him. 

He had to project some cool. He'd been in worse situations than this. He made his breathing slow. He loosened his fists and walked into the room. He fell back on cutting with words alone, hurting the one who was hurting him.

"This is new for you Takaba. Since you always said he'd be the last man on earth that you'd touch, am I to assume you've already made your way through the rest of them? I knew you were playing the slut, but this is taking it a little too far, isn't it?"

Asami moved to a chair across from them and sat, his hands fumbling at a cigarette. 

Takaba and Fei finished their kiss, nuzzled one another, and looked at Asami. Takaba looked like he'd been swimming underwater and was coming up for air for the first time in ages. "What did you say, Asami-san?"

A spear of pain drove through his chest. His teeth ground through his cigarette. He spit it out and started to light another, but noticed his hand shaking and simply held it in his lap. His mouth imitated a smile.

"You will come home with me right now."

Takaba's eyes widened. He looked at Fei, then back at Asami. "Excuse me? I don't believe I heard that correctly."

"Go and pack your things. You're coming home with me."

Takaba laughed. "You've got to be kidding me."

"Well of course I don't mean you have to pack everything at once. Just pack what you need for a couple of days, then I'll have my men take care of the rest." _When they'd kill Feilong and his men._ Asami was pleased with how reasonable he was being.

"No."

_No? NO?_

The cigarette snapped in half between his clenched fingers as he rose to his feet. "That was _not_ a request. You _will_ be coming home with me. From now on you _will_ be living with me. You will _not_ be seeing Hamada again. You will _not_ be seeing Feilong again."

Takaba's face was red. " _You_ will not be staying in this house a minute longer! What the hell do you think I am? A possession? Guess what? I'm not. I'm a person. And you can't own a person Asami, no matter how much you want to. No matter how much you want to control me, you can't. If you want me to do something, you have to learn to ask the way normal people do. If you want something to own and fuck, go buy a rubber doll. If you want someone to have a real relationship with, then learn to act like a normal human being. Otherwise you're _nothing_ to me. Do you understand me? _Nothing!_ " 

_Nothing._

Takaba words reverberated in his head, reaching past crumbling walls, down past his control, past hidden thoughts, past buried emotion, through the murk of his memories, until it rammed straight into his foundation. 

And then pulled it out from under him.

Words poured out, unstoppable. "Who the fuck do you think you are, talking to Asami Ryuichi like that? No one talks to me like that and lives! I spent years getting to where I am now, fighting for the respect of every hood in the streets, clawing my way to the top, being the best at whatever I set out to do, being the strongest, just so NO ONE could ever look down on me and talk to me that way again. And you, you insignificant little flea, just because I enjoy chasing you and fucking you until you cry, you think that gives you some sort of hold over me that allows you to speak to me that way and demand things of me? You... _You're_ nothing! Nothing! You're _nothing_. But me, I made something of myself. I _matter_ now. I matter. I..."

He gasped, staunching the flow. 

He found himself standing in the middle of the room, no idea how he'd gotten there, alone, breathing heavily, feeling lost, shaking. He looked at his hands. _Why are they clean?_

What was happening? Waves of anguish were pouring through him. What had he said? My God, he'd said _that_. That was buried. Forgotten. He hadn't slipped up like this in years. 

_Where are all these feelings coming from?_ He tried shoving them back, but they wouldn't fit anymore. He looked around trying to find answers, still the wrong place to be seeking them.

Takaba stood and took a step towards him, hesitating. "Asami? ... Ryuichi?"

Asami focused on him for a second. Takaba. Takaba, with Feilong. Loving Feilong. He knew love when he saw it. Why did it matter? _What is this pain?_ Everything was whirling through his head. He needed to get out of here. He couldn't breathe, couldn't function. He was too vulnerable. He spun around and stumbled from the room. 

Then he was in the car, no idea how he'd got there.

"Where should I take you Asami-sama?"

Asami was still shaking. He tried to pull his thoughts together. "Maybe to Miura beach." The laugh was forced.

"I'm sorry, sir? Where?"

Where? He closed his eyes in resignation. He knew where he had to go.

"Start driving toward the highway. I'll give you directions."

 

\--

 

The sun was low in the sky when they pulled up in front of a small apartment building, empty and old. Asami owned it, but he'd never been back since that day. It was just something he'd bought then set aside, locking it away so it never had to be dealt with again. It didn't look all that different. It had been rundown then. No one lived in it now.

He walked up the stairs, footsteps echoing in the silence, and made his way down to the familiar apartment. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the key. He still had it after all these years. It was always on his keychain. It never left him. The lock was rusty, but he made the key work and the door swung open. He hesitated at the door, then stepped in.

_"I'm home!"_

_"Get the hell in here and close the door. You're letting all the heat out. What's wrong with you?"_

He remembered the heavy hand knocking him into the wall.

_"But Mom, I'm still hungry. Can't I have more?"_

_"They feed you enough at school. You can have some of this when you start earning money too. Is that what you want? To earn money like Mom does? I could probably get some good money for you."_

He remembered the emptiness inside him.

_"Mom stop! Mom? Please. I love you!"_

_"You love me? What a laugh, from someone who ruined my life. Love might matter if you were somebody who could help me out, but you're nobody. You're nothing, as worthless as all the other men around here. I can't live like this anymore."_

He remembered her blood, on the floor, on the knife, on him.

And he finally remembered why, why he'd gone through all of this, so that someday his love would matter. He realized that for all the money he earned, for all the power he had, he still didn't have anyone who wanted to hear him say that he loved them. He didn't even know if he could say it anymore. He was finally somebody and it still didn't matter.

 _Takaba..._

He might have been able to say it to him. Takaba might have cared. But he'd ruined any chance of that happening. 

_Akihito..._

The dust at his feet splattered with wet drops that were falling more quickly as thirty-five years of pain started pouring out. He fell to his knees and wrapped his arms around himself, silent in his agony. He gasped as tense muscles fought him for air. His chest felt like a fist had been driven through it, the pain excruciating as he fought for control. But it became too much even for him, and he finally surrendered and let the grief take him back.

The loneliness. Standing among the children at school, among them but not a part. Clothes dingy, never any food but what the school would provide. Head held high despite it, daring anyone to say anything.

The hatred. Watching the men his mother brought home. Seeing them treat her like dirt. Her accepting it for the money. Some of them watched him like that too, some tried more. He'd wanted to kill at an early age.

The despair. Watching his mother slide into darkness. Seeing her drink to forget about him, taking more alcohol each time. Watching her drugs of choice get harder and start eating at her. Keeping the knives away if he could so she'd stop trying to hurt herself. But one day missing one. Drugs and weapons and death. They would never control him. He would control them.

The pain. Sitting in the hospital, the caseworker assigned to him talking to her boyfriend. Looking for answers, looking for comfort, finding none. Sneaking into his mother's room, seeing death first hand. Knowing it was his fault. Knowing he could have prevented it. Vowing to become strong enough so that he'd never fail anyone again.

The emptiness. Standing by her grave. Knowing she wasn't there. Knowing no one was there for him but himself. Shutting it all away. Numb. Feeling nothing but purpose. He had something to accomplish, and he was better off not feeling anything until it was done.

He remembered it all, crying for the first time since he saw her use the knife. He cried for his mother, and for himself, tears washing away the dust on the floor as they tried to wash the pain from his soul.

And ever so slowly as it poured from him, the pain lessened until finally, finally, he felt empty of it. He felt clean. He shuddered and took a breath, then sat back against the wall.

He sat there quietly as the sun was going down, just resting. Thinking. In the end, he was no different than the rest of them. He sighed. 

It was time. He'd achieved his purpose and it was less rewarding than he'd thought it would be. He was nothing if not practical. It was time for a change. Time to clear away the remnants of the fortress he'd built. Time to let himself feel again. To feel what had been pushing at the walls of his heart since he'd met Akihito, even if it was too late.

 _Akihito..._ He let the newly-freed emotions run across the raw places inside him, getting used to the feeling again, wondering if he should control it, but too tired to bother.

Instead he watched the day's last sunlight move across the wall, making the dust sparkle.

It sparkled like Akihito's eyes used to. Akihito carried his own sunshine. But his eyes when turned to Asami had dimmed. 

That brought a fresh pain. He'd wanted to be strong for someone. Important to someone. Protection for someone. He'd wanted to love someone and have it mean something.

Instead he'd used his strength to overpower. His control to force. He had shut his own emotions away and pushed away the only true feelings that anyone had ever had for him. Instead of protecting Akihito, Akihito had needed protection from him. The taste of his failure was bitter. But his loss was worse. He had a gaping hole inside himself now, with nothing to fill it. Nothing.... 

He shook his head, clearing it. He wasn't going to let this happen again. He had to make another chance for himself. There had to be something left inside Akihito, something that would respond to him. 

But should he? 

Time had stopped and his universe had shifted, no longer rotating about himself. He'd found a new center. 

For the first time in decades he considered an unselfish act. He'd seen the love between the two men. The pain of it had shattered all his walls. Could he even offer Akihito love? 

And what of Feilong? Another man he'd wronged. Another man he could have cared for. Should have cared for. Blood on his hands there, too. He closed his eyes against the memory and sighed.

He'd never hated Feilong. He just hated what he did to Akihito. But if all that had changed between them, maybe they were better off together. Without him.

A small laugh escaped him at the thought. As if he'd ever allow that.

He couldn't give Akihito up. Not that easily. Not without making an effort. There was no point to life without him being present. Without him being happy. They'd work something out. If anything, he was a good fixer.

The light had dimmed by now. He felt so very tired.

He heard his men, arguing softly outside the door, wondering if he was alright. He snorted. How could he tell them the answer when he wasn't sure himself? _God, there's another mess I made that has to be cleaned up. I wonder if Maeda's left the country yet? I owe him._ He pulled out his cell phone and placed a call to Kirishima, who assured him Maeda would be stopped. He'd talk to the man personally tomorrow.

He slowly got to his feet and brushed his clothes off. His tailored suits had never looked so trashy. For once he didn't give a fuck. He stopped at the doorway and looked back one last time. 

"Goodbye, Mom. I'm sorry I couldn't help you, but I did love you. And you know, that would have been worth everything if you hadn't pushed it away."

He turned around and left, the door swinging on its hinges, the key in the lock reflecting the fading sky. 

Tomorrow he was going to start plans to have the site demolished, then maybe build something Akihito would enjoy.

 

**

 

Takaba stood frozen in the middle of the living room, his heart torn in two by what had just happened with Asami. He turned helplessly to Fei, who walked over, folded him into his arms and spoke. "I think the plan worked better than we expected."

Takaba started to cry. "Fei, he was so hurt. I didn't want to hurt him."

"Akihito, you had to know that this would happen. We were trying to break him down. All that control had to be there for a reason, and you know the reason couldn't be a good one."

"Gods, what will he do now? He's all alone." Takaba looked up at Fei. "I can't leave him alone."

Fei looked down and wiped the tears away. "You realize if he really didn't break and you do return, you'll have a terrible time getting away from him. He may never see you as a person. And you may never get this chance again. We may never."

Takaba pulled away and ran his hands through his hair. "I'm sorry. I have to go and take that chance. I have to."

Fei smiled sadly. "I understand." He walked over and kissed Takaba gently.

"Fei..."

"Go on. You've been waiting for the chance for a while now. Go."

With one last regretful look, Takaba ran through the door and up the stairs. 

 

**

 

Fei closed the door and stood alone in the room for a minute. 

_The last few days..._

He walked over to the ugly couch and lay down, then curled up on his side. He would get up and act normal later.

 

**

 

Asami had his driver drop him off at the apartment. He just didn't feel like doing anything tonight. As he rode up in the elevator, he thought that maybe he didn't like this place anymore. Maybe he should buy a house. Someplace out of the city, where it was green. 

He walked past the guard by his door and opened it. He stepped in and saw the shoes. He closed the door and paused, staring at them, curious, his thoughts too detached to make sense of them. Who would leave shoes? His mind wouldn't come up with an answer. 

He toed off his own shoes and cautiously walked into the living room. It was empty. He stopped by the kitchen. Empty. Poked his head into the bathroom. No one there either. Then paused outside the bedroom. He took a deep breath and pushed the door open.

Akihito was hanging clothes in his closet. Akihito's clothes.

He quietly stepped into the room and walked up behind him and stared. He pointed his finger and hesitantly poked Akihito's head. Akihito jumped and spun. "Goddammit Asami! What the hell was that for!?"

Akihito stared at him breathing heavily. Akihito was getting blurry. 

"Asami? Are you alright?"

He laughed, sounding rusty even to him, and shook his head. Akihito's eyes widened. "Asami...?"

He slid his hand behind Akihito's neck and pulled him forward, hesitating right before their lips met. His eyes rose to look directly into Akihito's, searching for something, needing to know.

It was there. He hadn't been fooling himself all along. It hadn't left. He closed his eyes out of habit, not wanting to give himself away, then realized that if ever there was a time to it was now. Emotions were pouring out of his heart uncontrollably and he forced his eyes open and offered up everything, hoping Akihito would recognize what he'd never seen. His hands rose to gently cup the face he'd give anything to see smile, even if it wasn't at him, but he prayed to gods he'd never believed in that it was he who would put smiles there in the future.

He'd never realized how varied the brown of Akihito's eyes was, from the deep brown of rich soil to a sliver of purest gold near the outside. Colors of warmth and life. How could it be anything else? Those eyes were slowly filling with tears that threatened to spill over.

"Asami you idiot!"

He laughed again, because it was only true. And he bent down and tasted the lips he'd been wanting to for so long, but slowly, like savoring an old burgundy, not wanting to miss any of the notes. There was so much there he remembered, but also much that in his haste and arrogance that he'd missed. How had he lived for so long being half a fool?

Akihito threw himself forward, all in as usual, his momentum knocking them into the bed and over. His hands ripped at Asami's dirty clothing, his nose wrinkling as the dust flew.

"Where have you been?"

Asami watched, mesmerized by the sparkling eyes above him. "A longer journey than you'd imagine." 

The hands at his belt paused. He felt all of Akihito still and knew that something important was happening. "Will you tell me about it?"

Ah... not an easy price then. But in comparison, so very little to pay. "It's not easy to tell, or to hear. And for no one else."

Akihito's chin rose. "I'm stronger than you think."

"So you've proven, time and again. But later, I think..." And he shifted, bringing Akihito to the bed underneath him. Because while some things change, others never do. 

And soon, though it would never feel soon enough to him, he slipped inside his lover, knowing he was welcome despite all the wiggling and blushing. Knowing because for the first time he'd asked. Knowing that this was worth anything Akihito asked, anything, and knowing he'd give it. Because he'd finally found his home.

~tbc~ 


	15. Chapter 15

The muscled chest under Akihito's was slippery with sweat, and as they both recovered from what had gone before he listened to Asami's heart beat slow, something he'd never had the luxury of doing in the past. He set his chin on his hands and stared up at Asami, who was relaxed and approaching sleep. So different, these few days. The fact that he would even sleep around him showed a new and deep level of trust. Even his face was different. The lines had eased. Little smiles were more common than not. Those smiles killed him every time, and Asami had enjoyed finding this potent new weapon at his disposal. 

Lovemaking was still a game of control. They both liked it that way too much. But it wasn't about forcing now. It was about seduction. Who could make the other break first with long wet kisses and slippery fingers covered in lube. Those fingers were now threaded through his hair, gripping it possessively. He shivered.

Asami's eyes opened to slits, and they stared at each other a moment, silent, sated, at peace. The question surprised him. "What's my name, Akihito?"

He blinked. "Huh? Don't you know?"

"The name you called out so frequently a few moments ago, it's my family name. You're not making love to my family, but to me. Do you know my name?"

He felt his face heat. "It's Ryuichi."

"That's right. I'd like you to use it from now on." And the eyes watching him closed, end of conversation.

He was a little annoyed by the order-like tone for such a personal thing, but then he thought about it, examining Asami who was so uncharacteristically not examining him. Maybe it wasn't a request he knew how to make. "Who else calls you by your first name?"

Asami's eyes cracked open again. He mumbled something and went back to falling asleep. 

"What was that? Hey!" He shook Asami's shoulders.

Asami sighed and opened his eyes again. "I said, I've asked no one to use my given name. Ever." He stroked Akihito's hair. "You're the only one. You're not going to let me sleep, are you?" He pushed up into a sitting position, resting against a pillow propped against the wall, and pulled Akihito onto his lap.

"You're looking for maudlin details again, I can tell. Here's another. Only a few people have ever dared to call me by my first name as an adult, and most quickly ended up dead."

He looked at Asami in disbelief. "You killed people for using your name?"

His head got flicked by a finger as Asami snorted. "Of course I didn't kill people for that. But think about it. What would people have in common who would use my first name without permission?"

 _Ah._ "They'd be reckless and stupid."

Asami nodded, pleased. "Yes, exactly, and they quickly ended up dead. That son of a bitch Tou was one..." He stared into space.

"So who was ever allowed to call you by your first name?"

Asami's eyes focused on him and he got stared at for a moment. "Allowed? I don't stop them, but I also don't invite it. It implies no intimacy for me with them, only arrogance. The only one that had the right was my mother. After her, there was no one."

He didn't like the sound of that. "Well I'm sure as hell not going to call you something that reminds you of her! What kind of thing is that to ask me?"

Asami's face blanked, but not before he saw the hurt on it. 

"That's not what I meant. Let a guy finish his thoughts, would you? I only meant that I'll call you a shortened version. Something that doesn't have memories attached to it. Like Ryu-chan. I'll bet no one has called you that!" Asami's glare had him quickly continuing, "Okay and they won't now. What about just Ryu? Like my friends call me Aki sometimes."

Asami snorted again. "Ryu? Sounds like a Winnie the Pooh character."

Did he just hear what he thought he heard? He sat straight up. "You know who Winnie the Pooh is?"

Asami had that superior look on his face again. "Of course I know who he is. Fat bear, likes honey, made more money for Disney in the last decade than anyone but the Mouse. Made so much money I was thinking of releasing a Winnie the Pooh line of handguns. Orangish, with sticky grips."

"You wouldn't. Goddammit you're teasing me again, aren't you?"

Asami smiled that damned sexy smile. "You're just too easy."

He tried to get angry and failed, and gave in to laughter. He leaned against Asami's chest and put his arms around him. "I love you this way. You never played before." 

He felt arms come around him, holding him tightly.

"You know, Asa— Ryu..." He rolled it around on his tongue, trying to get used to it. "It might help if you talked to Hamada about some of your past."

"No."

"But—"

"No. You say _we_ have to talk. I think you're right. If we keep the promises we've made between us, there's no need for someone like Hamada."

"But he—"

"No, Akihito. I will not bring him into this. I will discuss anything and everything with you, but not with him. I'll admit he helped you out. But for me, he's only good for the occasional fuck."

He pushed away from Asami and grabbed a pillow and swatted him with it. "You'd better not even think about fucking him! Add this to your promises. No more fucking therapists!"

Asami began laughing and grabbed the pillow. "But Akihito, don't I get anyone on the side? How about Fei?" Asami stopped laughing and just looked sly. "You've had him, right? I wouldn't mind of piece of that now that he's finally grown up."

A sudden pain welled up inside. He shoved Asami away and moved to the side of the bed. "Don't talk about him like that! You don't know what he's been going through because of you and me. You fucked him over eight years ago and it's ruined his life. And then me... I hurt him so bad." 

He'd been trying to keep Fei from his mind, because when he thought of him his happiness faded away. Tears threatened to flow and he wiped them angrily away. "Just don't talk about him that way, okay?"

Asami slid over behind him and wrapped his arms around him. "What do you mean, I fucked him over? His family did a lot worse to him. Though I had a hand in it, I'll admit, especially when I couldn't protect him the way I should have. But what the hell? He was strong, he was on his way up. Something so trivial shouldn't have slowed him down."

He turned around and examined Asami's face, unbelieving. "What about his father? He said you killed his father."

"Which one? The biological one, yeah, because he'd just shot Fei in the chest, the asshole. Fei's brother shot the other one. So I shot his brother. He was an asshole too. Why? He isn't mad that I shot those two assholes, is he?"

"Ryu. He thinks you shot _both_ his fathers, and his _innocent_ brother, and _him_. And then left him to take the blame. He totally worshipped you, and he thinks you totally fucked him over like that."

Asami froze. "That's... Akihito, I might have used him, but I wouldn't have done that to him." 

Relief rushed through him, and he slipped his arms around Asami. "I believe you. It just wasn't your style. Even the old Asami wouldn't have done that."

The corner of Asami's mouth turned up. "Thank you, I think. No wonder he's been shooting at me. Eight years of agony over nothing." He winced. "I suppose you should tell him."

He shook his head. "No Ryu. _You_ need to speak to him."

Asami looked skeptical. "As if he'd listen to me. He wouldn't hear anything I had to say."

"That might have been true before all this happened, but I think he knows now that he got some facts wrong. We talked about it before. I stood up for you, you know, even when you were still being an asshole."

"I know," came the soft response.

He smiled. "He'll be in our therapy session tomorrow. Come with me. Just tell him, straight out."

Asami smirked. "Therapy with Hamada?" 

He punched the bastard. "Remember Rule Number Two!"

"They have numbers now? Anyway, I wouldn't want to fuck him, just tease him a bit. You really want me to go? It would make you happy?"

Akihito nodded. "It would mean a lot to me."

Asami's eyes narrowed as he thought it over. "On two conditions."

He wasn't sure he wanted to comply. "What?"

"I'm not going to talk about myself beyond my relationship with Fei."

He shrugged. "Of course. That's understood."

That seemed to please Asami. "And I want to know the whole story. What do you mean you really hurt him? What's between the two of you?"

He hadn't expected that. He was silent for a little while. He wasn't sure how Asami would react to his emotional bond with Fei. "You have to remember that you won, Ryu."

Asami motioned his assent. 

He looked into Asami's eyes a minute, searching for the truth. Then he looked away, satisfied that Asami was sticking to his promise of honesty. "I was helping him in therapy sessions. Don't ask me why, I just did. And I guess he started to see me as a person, and not just a pawn in your wars. He started to feel really bad about what he'd done to me. So one night he turned up at my apartment and we got drunk."

Asami's eyebrows went up at that.

He made a face. Asami _would_ jump to that conclusion. "Nothing like that happened. We just... bonded I guess. We clicked. We became friends. He apologized to me that night. I saw all he'd been going through. And we started understanding each other. The next day we also agreed that we needed to do something about you and he came up with the plan to move in together."

"We slept together – not sex – just sleeping, a few times. It felt so good to be with him. And we were attracted to one another. We didn't say anything, but it was there. But you were always there between us."

He fell silent. 

Asami asked quietly, "And is that a problem?"

He looked up in surprise. "No, no, I didn't mean it that way... It's just that the few days we were together, we kept getting closer. And I saw how he was touching me more, and making excuses to be near me. I wanted to be loved. I wanted it so much I didn't say no, even though I knew it would hurt him in the long run. And the last night before you came...We were out on a balcony... We almost made love. But we didn't. Because he told me he loved me."

His eyes were overflowing with tears again. "He told me he loved me and I told him I felt the same way and that it didn't matter, that he couldn't have me because you came first. And he was so hurt. He tried not to show it, but I could tell. He'd been alone for so long and I was his first friend. Did you know that?" 

His voice choked. Asami gently pulled him onto his lap and held him. "I was his first and only friend and he loved me and I had to turn away from him and leave him alone. I hate myself for that. I hate it. I'd give anything for him to be happy. Anything but you."

"Akihito." Asami's arms tightened around him and he buried his face in his hair. "I love you."

His heart skipped a beat. It did each time Asami said it. The joy and pain combined made the tears fall even faster. "I know you do. And it makes me so h-h-happy."

Asami had to laugh at that, but it quickly fell away into silence. They sat there a while, each holding onto the other, still except for an occasional brush of fingers and lips. His tears eventually passed but the sadness lingered, and he wondered if it would always be there.

Asami took a deep breath. "I want you to listen carefully, because I don't think I'll be able to say this a second time...."

 

\-----------

 

Fei reluctantly got into his limo to be driven to his next appointment with Hamada. The past few days had been hard. Too hard. And he didn't really feel like talking to the doctor about it. 

He watched the people on the sidewalks as his car sped through town. It felt like they were the ones moving and he was the one standing still. He felt like he was living in his memories, that last day in particular... 

He had waited all night on the couch wondering what was happening at Asami's apartment. It had taken everything he had not to go after Akihito. He'd known Asami wouldn't harm him. Despite all Asami's fury, he had turned and walked away rather than act out any violence upon the two of them. But he didn't think their encounter would be pleasant.

Fei had trusted Akihito to handle the situation though, good or bad. He'd known Akihito had reached a place where he was competent and confident and that he could deal with whatever happened. And he had known that Akihito would let him know what that was as soon as he could.

But it had hurt. It still hurt. A deep pain. Not like the betrayal all those years ago, because he knew now that much of that relationship had been in his own mind. But this pain was real, overwhelming, because for the first time he truly loved someone. This wasn't a relationship he'd made up in his head. This was one he'd experienced. It hadn't had a chance to fully blossom, yet it was there nonetheless.

He'd experienced what it meant to find another half to his soul, only to have it ripped away by the man he'd blamed for years for all his pain.

Asami.

Still center stage in his life. He laughed at himself. He couldn't rid himself of the man. He wondered how much of it was because he still didn't want to.

He and Akihito had spent some time talking about Asami, his strengths and weaknesses, his character, whether or not he could ever love Akihito...

They had differing views of him, especially his role in Fei's past. Akihito had made him see that he may have been misinterpreting things about Asami, and he had made Akihito see the younger Asami in a light he hadn't intended to. Akihito tended to see things from a positive perspective, pointing out that for all the bad that had come from those few days in Hong Kong, that Asami had been right in his assessment of Fei and his brother and their situation, and even helped him shed his own past to a degree. Even Fei had to agree that Yan may have been more of a driving force in what happened than he had allowed himself to believe.

He shifted, the soft leather of the seat creaking slightly.

Those old memories. Not long ago they brought such tears and numbness. But now when he thought of Asami, his thoughts were overwhelmed by the image of the man in his living room. Shattered by love, claiming Akihito's heart forever.

It was at that moment Fei had realized he'd lost. He loved Akihito, but he knew that Akihito would always choose Asami first if Asami would just show him a little love and respect. In the face of the amount of passion he'd seen, there was no doubt that Akihito was Asami's now. And Fei didn't want to come between them. Not for Asami's sake, but because Akihito deserved it. He deserved the most happiness he could get. He deserved to have his dreams come true, and Fei loved him enough that he'd see that Akihito got it, even if it meant those dreams came with another man at his side.

But that next morning, when Akihito had called...

He swallowed, and forced back the tears that threatened to flow.

That next morning, when Fei had heard the joy in Akihito's voice, he truly realized the amount of pain he was going to be living with for the rest of his life. He hadn't expected it to hurt so much.

The limo pulled to a stop in front of Hamada's office building. He looked up at it through the tinted windows. So much had happened there. He'd changed for the better, and finally started healing. For what? So he could discover new kinds of agony? 

He took a deep breath, and told himself to stop the self-pity. Hamada had helped him with everything else. Maybe he had a solution for a broken heart. 

He stepped gracefully from the limo through the door that his chauffeur was holding open, and once again prepared himself to meet his pain head-on. He would face this as he had the other challenges, and he would get through it.

 

\--

 

He entered the office to find Hamada seated at his desk, as usual, typing away at something on the computer. Hamada looked up and stared at him a moment before standing and greeting him.

Fei wandered around the room. "Did you enjoy your time away, sensei?"

Hamada smiled a little, his eyes remaining on Fei. "Yes, thank you Feilong. It was educational, but it's good to be back. How are things? Is something wrong?"

Fei shrugged. "I don't think Akihito will be here today."

"Is there a problem? It's nothing serious I hope. Akihito, Feilong? You weren't calling him that when you were last here."

"A lot has happened since we were last here."

Hamada's eyes held concern. "Come in and sit down and have some tea, and we'll talk about it."

Despite Fei's disquiet, he smiled. Hamada's solution to life's problems. Tea. "You remind me of the British sometimes, sensei. Whenever there's a problem, tea first, everything else second. Does that come from your Irish grandmother, I wonder?"

Hamada laughed as he began preparing Fei's blend. "A little. But she always preferred hers to be a strong Assam, with milk. Couldn't stand Japanese teas. Making either is a soothing ritual though. It's why the Japanese tea ceremony is a meeting of peace."

Hamada finished making some of the tea Fei had given him, then carried it over to where Fei sat, hands clasped in his lap. 

Fei took the cup and breathed in the fragrance of the delicate fresh leaves. They did indeed give him a sense of calm. 

Hamada sat in his normal seat. "Okay, tell me what happened. Start from the beginning, after the last session." He began sipping his tea, his green eyes vivid over the teacup as he watched Fei.

Fei's calm fled. He sat, staring into his porcelain cup, thoughts running through those few days he had memorized to the last detail. He pushed aside the thoughts of that night together out on the balcony. He raised the cup to his lips and sipped the hot liquid to erase the taste of Akihito from his mouth. It didn't work. It only added a slightly bitter flavor.

He forced himself to swallow and lowered the cup to his lap. He pushed his thoughts back further, to the beginning. 

"After the last session I spent a lot of time thinking, about the state of my life, and why it had become what it was, and I came to the conclusion that I deserved better and wanted a change."

Hamada smiled. "I'm so glad to hear you say that, Feilong. And so did you try any changes?"

Fei remembered the intense loneliness that made him walk up to Akihito's apartment, and how it had all been blown away when he had stepped through that door. "I did. I went to Akihito's apartment, and I apologized for all the harm I'd done him. And something happened between us. A friendship. A closeness. I'd not even really hoped for it. I'd wanted it, but never thought it might really happen. But he's so generous. So kind and loving, that he could even care for me."

Fei was already choking up from the memories threatening to overwhelm him. He thought of Akihito's eyes, sparkling with tears for him. He remembered the warmth of waking in Akihito's arms. How lucky he'd been to have that chance. 

He looked up and saw the concern in Hamada's eyes changing to something else. _Not pity. Please don't let it be pity._ He bent his head towards his tea so he wouldn't have to see it.

"He loves Asami deeply you know. It's not always evident from the way he speaks, but he truly does love him. And I wanted to help him succeed in that love, because I wanted him to be happy, the way he was making me happy. So we hatched this insane scheme to make Asami jealous and push him past the breaking point. You know how close Asami had been to falling apart, and his feeling jealousy and frustration about Akihito was the heart of it."

Hamada made a sound of assent.

"So I came up with the plan that we'd move in together and play the part of lovers."

_Only I wasn't playing. It was real to me._

"It wasn't altogether altruistic on my part though. I wanted to be close to him. He'd become sunshine to my soul. I craved his company constantly. I tried to remember our purpose. I tried to remember his love for someone else. But I found myself falling in love, and hoping that he would feel the same."

A tear fell into the tea, causing tiny ripples across the surface.

"And what's the worst is that he did start to return my feelings, but he loved Asami more. And when Asami came and shattered in front of us, and it was a terrible thing to see, Akihito needed to go to him. And I loved him so much that I made him go, because his happiness is everything to me."

He stared at his lap, watching the familiar drops appear on his sleeves and hands. He wondered how many tears he had left in him.

"And I've spent the last few days feeling emptier than I've been in a long time. And I don't know what to do. I'm doing what I did before, you see. I keep living in those few days, over and over again. But this time it was when I had a chance at happiness, when I was happy. Because if I live in the present, the pain is unbearable. God, Hamada, it hurts so much. How do you stop loving someone when it hurts so much?"

The teacup slipped from his lap as he buried his face in his hands, trying to stop the tears and failing. 

_Is this the reward I get for opening myself up? This never-ending pain?_

But then he felt arms come around him and he leaned into them, craving warmth. His eyes were closed as he rested his forehead on the soft shoulder. Hands ran through his hair, soothing him. This, at least, was one thing he hadn't had before, this human contact, this comfort. He laughed bitterly at himself though, because he wanted Akihito so much he was imagining his scent.

"Fei."

That voice. He pulled his head back in shock to see Akihito kneeling in front of him. "Fei, you don't have to feel this way. I love you."

Fei was stunned. He didn't understand. What was Akihito doing here? The room seemed to be spinning around the recliner – no, it was spinning around Akihito. He held onto him so he wouldn't get swept away. He looked up and saw Asami leaning against the door, watching them with a small smile on his face. He stared. Asami was wearing jeans and a loose cotton shirt. And he looked _happy_. Fei hated him for it. But he also wished he were a part of it.

Fei dragged his gaze back to Akihito, needing some answers, willing the room to slow. "You shouldn't say that, not in front of him. He'll misunderstand. He won't know what you really mean."

Akihito tilted his head and considered Fei. "He knows what I really mean. We talked about it at length. And came to a few decisions." Akihito wiped the drying tears from Fei's face. Fei tried not to lean into the caress and failed. This wasn't going to work. This couldn't work, being so close to him and not being able to touch. He felt a hand on his shoulder, and looked up. He was shocked to see Asami standing there, understanding in his eyes. Something passed between them and he felt another connection snap into place. 

Fei's eyes moved back to Akihito's. "I don't think I understand."

Akihito's hand brushed Fei's hair away from his face. "We need to talk about it. But not here. Later. There are some things that you and Ryu need to discuss first. But you need to understand that you won't be alone. Not if you don't want to be."

Fei glanced back up at Asami. His gaze was no longer the shuttered, calculating one that Feilong remembered so well. It was now frank and assessing. Once again Fei's eyes returned to Akihito.

Akihito leaned forward and lightly kissed him with those soft lips he never thought he'd taste again. "Do you trust me Fei?"

"Of course I do."

"Do you love me, Fei?"

Fei's eyes darted to Asami's. He raised his chin and stared at Asami as he answered. "You know I do. And if anyone ever does anything to keep you from being happy, that someone will regret it."

" _You're_ keeping me from being happy, but you can change that."

Fei's head snapped back around to face Akihito. "What do you mean? I'd never hurt you. What can I do? It will be done."

Akihito smiled. "You can do two things. First, listen to what Ryu has to say now. Second, listen to what we have to say later."

Fei again glanced up at Asami. "And you're okay with this? Not that I care about you, but I don't want you hurting him on any pretext."

Asami shrugged. "It will make him happy. It's long past time I was concerned about that. And now I find that it's everything."

Fei stared at Asami, almost not recognizing him. This wasn't real. He turned to Hamada, who had remained silent. 

Hamada shrugged. "I'm just as befuddled as you are, Feilong. I think you should at least listen to him. I have some questions of my own." He stared at Asami.

Fei turned back to Akihito and looked into the brown eyes he so loved. He searched for anything that would explain what was happening, but saw only love, and hope. It was enough for him. He nodded. "I'll listen."

Asami crouched down by the recliner next to Akihito, who slipped an arm around his waist and rested a cheek on his shoulder. Asami's eyes softened a moment before he raised them to Fei's.

"Listen, Feilong. It's clear that we have some major misunderstandings between us. We're remembering two different versions of the same events. What happened eight years ago, I'm not proud of it. I didn't expect you to be anything like you were. I didn't think I'd like you so much. And I really didn't think you'd like me the way you did. I was manipulating the hell out of you and the situation while not understanding that I was being manipulated the same way by Tou, and that's when things all started going sideways. There was so much I didn't know about what I'd walked into."

Asami paused and sighed softly. "Well, it went from bad to worse. And then after everything erupted, I left you cold, seemingly to take the blame. But to be honest, after those last words I didn't think you'd want to see me again. It didn't even occur to me you'd actually just sit there and take the blame. By that last day you were confident and sure of yourself, standing up for yourself, and I thought you'd be better served with me back in Japan so you could grow into your role. I didn't realize how badly you'd been messed up by that whole experience, and that it overwhelmed you to the point where you couldn't defend yourself. Akihito told me how wrong I was about that, and about the problems my actions caused."

Feilong listened to this in shock.

_He never knew..._

_All this time I hated him for leaving me like that and he thought he was doing me a favor?_

Fei looked at Akihito in disbelief, and Akihito took his hand and nodded. "I believe him, Fei. What you thought happened, it just never sounded like him. He was callous but not cruel."

Asami reached out and gently turned Fei's chin so they were once again eye to eye. "I'm sorry, Feilong. I wish it hadn't happened that way but it did. I can't change that. But I can change what happens from now on. I'm tired of us fighting. I want things to change, if only for Akihito's sake. Maybe for our sakes too. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. Will you let me?"

Fei's head was still spinning from before. This was all too much. Asami, apologizing. This was unreal. All those things he'd held as truths. 

_But,_ he thought, _have I really? Haven't I felt doubts all along? Haven't I known? About all of it?_

He had to ask. If the words were said, it would finally become real, but he had to ask.

He stood up and walked to the window. He turned and leaned against it, his face in shadow. "You didn't shoot us, did you? It never was you, was it?"

Asami's gaze was clear, honest. "No. Though... it's my fault you got shot. Not on purpose. I didn't want you to get hurt, not the way I saw you get hurt, and especially not as bad as what really happened. I didn't expect Tou to do that. You were his son. I thought that meant something to him. He caught me unaware. But I was older and more experienced, dammit. I should have seen it coming. It killed me, seeing all that blood on you. And feeling your gun pressed against me. I thought you were mad at me because I failed you, because I wasn't strong enough to save you. I..." 

Asami's voice faltered a moment. Akihito looked up at him and murmured something, and Asami's eyes shifted to his. Fei was stunned by the love he saw pass between them, his first and last loves, his heart aching at the sight. They sat like that for a moment, then Asami nodded and turned back to Fei.

"I didn't realize how much you misunderstood. I didn't know what you were going through, then and all this time. But I'm glad I shot the bastard. And I'm glad I shot your brother for killing your real father, the man who raised you. I'm sorry if that upsets you, but the prick deserved it, if not for killing for your father, then for trying to destroy you."

Fei folded his arms around himself and shuddered. Akihito made as if to stand up and come to him, but Asami's arm held him firmly in place. Asami realized that there were some things he had to face on his own. 

All these things that he'd heard, they were new and yet they weren't. He'd been considering them more often the last few weeks, trying to make everything fit, now that he was able to look with clearer eyes. _If Asami was telling the truth..._

He looked at Akihito, who nodded, belief in his eyes. His gaze shifted to Hamada, whose face had the look of someone who had solved a difficult puzzle. His eyes moved back to Asami's face. It was open, inviting inspection. He wasn't sure he trusted Asami, but he took the plunge and let himself trust his friends. Asami's words became a breeze within him, blowing away the clouds that had covered his memories in shadow, and Akihito's eyes the sun that let him face the truths that were revealed. And he found that those truths weren't even a shock to him him at this point. It was more a relief to finally know it for certain and put his doubts to rest.

His eyes didn't leave Asami's as he quietly spoke. "I think I knew that Yan did it all along. I just didn't want to believe that my brother could destroy my family, or that my own... blood would want to kill me. But even though you and I didn't spend that much time together, I didn't see how I could be so wrong about you. I knew Yanzhui was mad enough to try it though. Deep inside I knew he was capable of that, because he had stopped caring about anything but himself, and his behavior had become more and more erratic and destructive. He never would have given me the good things that you gave me those few days."

He walked back over to stand by Asami. "And you did do me some good back then, you know. I see that now. Though you're still a bastard about the rest of it."

Asami grinned and stood, pulling Akihito up with him. "Being a bastard is my favorite pastime. So you're willing to try to work this out?"

He felt lighter than he had in years. "Yes. I want this over with. It's been a long eight years, and I've had enough. But what's between us isn't something that can just go away overnight. It's going to take time, and talk. But if there's one thing Hamada has taught me, it's that talking helps everything. So I suppose you'll have to put up with me a bit longer." 

"That's the plan."

He stared at Asami. "No one is making any sense today. Are you sure you didn't permanently burst something last week? Let's try another subject. What was this other thing you two wanted to talk to me about?"

But a movement from Akihito drew the attention of both men back to him.

Akihito had turned his head and was glaring at Hamada, who was staring at Asami again. "Stop looking at Ryu that way Hamada. It looks like you're planning on fucking him in the recliner again."

Fei's lips twitched as Hamada turned bright red.

Asami grinned at Hamada. "Sorry, one of the first rules we agreed to was no fucking therapists."

Fei couldn't resist playing. His eyebrow rose. "Only therapists? You will note, Akihito, that I'm not a therapist."

Asami looked straight at him, a wicked smile on his lips. "No, you're not."

Fei's mouth dropped open. _He couldn't mean..._

Asami smirked.

The floor fell out from under him, and arms went around his waist from either side and held him up.

Akihito, amused, added, "You're referred to in rule number three, Fei, which I think would best be discussed in private."

Hamada jumped in. "This is as private as you get. You know everything said here – "

" – is completely confidential, unless you want to share it with several other people. Yeah, we know."

Hamada scowled. 

Fei was still in shock. "That couldn't possibly... That could never... You can't be serious...."

He looked at Asami. "You just lost it a few days ago from jealousy and you want me to believe you're serious about this? Why would you do this?"

Asami shrugged and spoke quietly. "Why? His happiness is worth everything to me, and he can't be happy living with the pain he's causing you. But now..." Asami leaned closer and spoke softly into Fei's ear. "Look at his eyes." 

Fei turned his head, then found he couldn't move his gaze from Akihito's face. The happiness in his eyes was almost blinding. He would do anything to keep that look of joy there. And realized that Asami felt the same.

He turned back to Asami. "You really mean it." Asami nodded. 

He looked back at Akihito. "The two of you... You mean this." He raised his hand to caress his beloved's cheek, and Akihito turned his lips to the palm and kissed it. A fierce sense of elation raced through him, washing away all the pain of the last few days. Were his dreams finally all within his grasp? Was it possible?

Asami was right. He would do whatever he could to work this out. 

_I_ will _have this._

Asami smiled at him, satisfied. "Listen, why don't we go get something to eat? We can start talking about where we should go from here. I don't want to talk about it in front of Hamada or he'll leak it to the press." Asami put his arm back around Fei's waist rather possessively. 

Fei looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

Asami looked amused. "Afraid?"

Fei tossed his head. "Never."

Asami looked back over at the psychiatrist. "By the way, Hamada, is there some reason I've been receiving a lot of requests for money from pregnant women these days?"

Hamada tried to look innocent and failed. "I think they just have the wrong idea about the kinds of deposits you like to leave."

Asami laughed. "We'll be in touch, sensei. You're just too much fun for us to let it end here." His eyes traveled down Hamada's body. "You know, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's finding loopholes in promises."

Fei stared at Asami and shook his head in disbelief. How did Akihito put up with this?

Akihito said sweetly, "I think you used the wrong term there Ryu. You didn't mean loophole. You meant a noose, right? Because that's where your neck will be if you break that promise."

Asami smiled indulgently. "Of course it will."

Fei also turned back to Hamada, though Asami kept a firm grip on him. "Sensei. What he says is true." 

Asami snickered and Fei shot him a disgusted glance. "Not about the loopholes. But that we will be in touch. I, for one, see a continued need for counseling in the near future. For one of us in particular." 

He turned back to Asami with meaningful glare. He wasn't going to let this man walk all over him again. He'd learned a few things in the last eight years. Things that might even make Asami blush.

Fei went on the offensive. He put his arm around Asami's waist, his hand slipping low on the back of his jeans and into a pocket. Where he squeezed. "Let's go."

Asami's eyebrows rose in surprise and his eyes lit up, delighted by a challenge as always. The two men left, Akihito opening the door for them.

 

**

 

Hamada shook his head. "It's going to be interesting, watching that relationship develop."

Takaba closed the door and leaned against it, regarding Hamada.

"They'll do alright. They have a lot more in common than they realize."

"Especially their love for you. Are you serious about trying this? Do you have any idea how difficult that kind of relationship is to maintain?"

"We know. We think it's worth the risk. Or at least, I do, and Asami is willing to try it for my sake." A soft look of wonder came over his face, followed by a look of determination. "And I know I can make it work. There'll be a lot of fireworks, but as long as no one feels left out, and I intend to see that they don't, it will work in the end."

Takaba continued, "You know, sensei, you completely fucked this up at first. But you really came around. If it weren't for you, we wouldn't have made it through this. You should be proud of that. I know that we're doctor and patient, but I think that once this is over with I'd like to call you friend. I know Fei would too. To be honest, we already do."

Happiness bloomed inside him. He wondered if Takaba brought this warmth to all his relationships. He rather thought he did, and very much understood why Asami and Feilong had made the decision they just did. "Thank you, Takaba-san. I've been calling the two of you 'friend' in my head for some time now. My name is Makoto. Please feel free to use it from now on."

Takaba smiled and replied, "And it's probably time you started calling me Akihito, Makoto-san."

"Thank you, Akihito-san. You must be aware, that without you none of this would have worked either. We made a decent team. Maybe you should think about a degree in psychology. We could run a practice together. Maybe specialize in softening up old yakuza."

Akihito laughed. "No thanks. I'll have my hands full with those two for years."

Hamada walked over to his desk and pulled out the paperwork that he'd typed up in an optimistic moment. "I'll file these in court. They're for you and Feilong. Asami, of course, has his already. The bastard."

Hamada turned and looked at Akihito. "What happened with him anyway? I can't believe the change."

Akihito smiled. "He's a practical guy. You saw how he was with Fei. He saw a problem and took the shortest route to fixing it. His emotions caused him all kinds of problems when they were shut away, just like with me and Fei. So once they burst free he accepted them as part of himself and moved on. I never would have thought I'd say this, but he's probably the sanest one of us now. Including you."

Hamada snorted. "Yeah, right. If you can talk him into coming in here with you a couple of times it wouldn't be a bad idea. You can't tell me he doesn't have issues to deal with."

Akihito hesitated. "He does, but he'll never speak to you that way, you know. It's enough for now that he's speaking to me. Perhaps down the road, if you become a close enough friend, he may open up to you."

Hamada nodded. "I thought as much. If he talks to you it's an enormous step in the right direction. You can always ask me for advice, and I will of course keep it confidential."

Hamada blushed, then the two of them burst into laughter.

Hamada's laughter slowed. "You know I'm really going to miss you two. I realize you'll be getting a lot of things straightened out for a while, but whenever you want to talk, or whatever, give me a call. Let me know how things are going. Maybe we can go out to dinner."

"That would be great. I'll be in the neighborhood next Tuesday for some work. Do you want to meet for lunch?"

Hamada looked at Akihito and understood the meaning of the word friend. "I'd love to. Stop by around noon and we'll go somewhere. Now go on. They're probably waiting to eat with you."

Akihito began to go and stopped. He turned and bowed, deeply. "Thank you, sensei."

Hamada's eyes filled. He shook it off. "If you really want to thank me, you'll tell me the details of rule number three."

Akihito's eyes shifted away and he blushed. Then he shook his head and laughed. "Not on your life, Makoto-san."

After Akihito left, Hamada felt a great sense of loss. But also an incredible sense of victory. He never would have imagined after that first week that he'd see the three of them together in his office, interacting and smiling, with a future together. He was no longer as arrogant as he used to be, but he was certainly proud. He would remember this case for the rest of his life, not only because he'd helped his friends, but because they'd helped him.

He thought of his old teacher with a smile. _I think, sensei, that this time you might truly be proud of me._ For a moment he thought he felt a hand pat his back, but when he looked around the office was empty as usual. He shook his head at his imagination and closed his briefcase, ready to call it a day. 

He stepped out into the reception area where Kurata was also getting ready to leave.

"Sensei! I was just going too. Would you like to have dinner with me?"

Hamada looked at her, amused by her perseverance. "Kurata-san. Thank you, but I'm gay. You may want to try elsewhere."

And as he headed down the stairs, grinning at the look of shock on her face, he thought maybe it was time for a talk with his parents as well.

 

**

 

Akihito walked to the small park across from the restaurant where he knew Asami took Fei. He wasn't that hungry and he thought they needed time alone together, now that he knew there'd be no bloodshed. He smiled at the thought of the two of them talking and sat there amazed at the changes in his life over just a few months. If it really happened, the change today would be unbelievable. No more fear, no more pain, or if there was, two would hold up one until it passed. They would find the balance they needed.

He tilted his face up to the sun and closed his eyes, his thoughts running back to the offer Asami made last night that had stunned him in its generosity. Though, Akihito thought with an amused snort, after seeing the way Asami looked at Fei's ass, it may not have all been generosity. Still, that made him more hopeful than not, if they didn't just do this for him but for each other too. He was confident they could build upon that. And upon the love he'd seen in Asami when he'd spoken...

 

~~~~~~~~

 

"What if you didn't have to turn away from him? What if he didn't have to be alone?"

His head shot up. "Wha? Huh? What, you turn nice and decide the next step is the noble sacrifice? You are _not_ leaving me, Asami! And I'm not leaving you. Period. I love you, more than I've ever loved anything or anyone. So get it through your head. You're stuck with me!" He glared.

Asami smiled and gently ruffled his hair. "No one is leaving anyone. I just meant, what if you had him too?"

His mouth dropped open in disbelief. "You're offering to share me with him?"

"Well, yeah, that's the general idea. Besides, I'd get to share him too, and I have to admit I've always wanted to. But just him. No one else. I guess that would be our third rule."

"Didn't you just have a nervous breakdown over the same thing?"

Asami shrugged. "I did. But I'm not who I was. Or rather, who I was is not who I am. I'd walled myself off and pushed everything away including you until I remembered that all I'd ever wanted was to find someone like you in the first place. And when I did remember, everything I'd built up rushed out at once. There's no pressure there now, because I've been letting it happen. I'm a little rusty at it, but I like feeling things again. Enjoying it even, I suppose because they're good feelings for a change. And I'm happy when you're happy. It's strange isn't it, how love can change someone's perspective?" He nuzzled Akihito's forehead. "Before, everything was about me and my possessions. Now, it all seems to be about you and your happiness." 

Asami stroked his hair. "I can't stand seeing you miserable like this. If helping Fei will make you happy, I'll help Fei. Besides, I have the responsibility of doing something about the problems I caused for him. If this would take care of that, then it's a good solution all around. He and I were close once, or we had the potential to be close. I'd like to think it could happen again."

Akihito was filled with a sense of elation. _If we could make this work... No. I will make this work._ He looked up at Asami, in awe of his love's generosity. But not wanting to take advantage of it. "You really want it? You want him too? You really mean it?"

Asami looked into Akihito's eyes, so full of happiness, and said softly, "Yeah, I really mean it. God, how could I have been such an idiot? Not to have wanted your eyes to always look like that, filled with joy?"

He threw his arms around Asami. "You admitted you were an idiot! You really _are_ cured." He straddled Asami's lap and rubbed up against him. "I think we need to celebrate."

"Mmmm." One hand had slid down the curve of his back. Another moved between them. That wicked smile appeared.

"Oh god yes..."

"Akihito..."

"Akihito?"

"Akihito!" Someone was shaking him. He opened his eyes to a bright sun, and two tall shadows standing over him. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine. I was just daydreaming."

"What about, I wonder?" Fei looked pointedly at his crotch.

He blushed and pulled them down to sit next to him on the bench. "Well? How did the talks go?"

Asami pulled out a stack of papers. "We have a contract all drawn up. I get to fuck you Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and every other Sunday, the days starting and ending at 9 am, so we get morning sex, and Fei gets all the other days. Fucking may be done in but not limited to our bedrooms, the bathroom, and the kitchen if both parties are present-"

Akihito jumped up and started shouting "What the hell are you talking about! You can't have a contract about this sort of thing. A fucking contract! That's the most fucked up thing I've ever heard of!"

"I told you he'd believe it."

Fei sighed and handed Asami some money. "I had more faith in you, Akihito. Honestly." 

"You're both bastards! I've changed my mind. I'm not living with either of you."

Asami was laughing as he grabbed him and pulled him back down between them. 

"It's not funny."

Fei leaned over and kissed his cheek. "You're very cute. Mmm. And very soft."

Asami kissed his other cheek and slid his hand down. "And very hard."

He wriggled, but not so much to get away this time.

Fei licked his earlobe. "Want to go home with us? We decided to try it out, living in the house we bought. If it works, Tao will come and live with us too, and go to school here. And Asami and I would become permanent business partners. We could have all of East Asia under our sway within three years," he mused.

Asami licked his neck and squeezed his hand. "I was tired of my apartment, so it seemed like a good time to move out. Don't you agree?"

"Uhhh."

Asami raised amused eyes to meet Fei's, who laughed. They still had a lot of differences, but they were in complete agreement about one thing, their love for Akihito and their need to see him happy. If nothing else let them live together in peace, that would.

Akihito jumped up, grabbed their hands and tugged. "C'mon guys, let's go home." He backed away, a laugh on his lips and sunshine in his eyes. The other two men stared after him a moment, and then smiling, followed together.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I switched the order of a section of text in this chapter because I think it needed that to flow more smoothly. Everything is the original way on my LJ if you prefer that version.
> 
> ~~~~~~~~~~


	16. Epilogue

 

They sat around the dinner table, drinking their tea, not looking at each other. Things hadn't exactly gone smoothly, but it could have been worse. 

_He could have tried to kill me._

_How was I to know that was their favorite sofa? It looked like crap to me. I thought I'd give them an excuse to get rid of it by putting my cigarette out on it. Whiners._

Asami looked across the table at them, and they wouldn't meet his eyes. He knew it was the sex. They each wanted the other, and they weren't sure what to do about him. He knew he should bow out gracefully, just for this one night, and let them have their privacy, but it wasn't quite that easy. 

It's just that, when he proposed this, he never thought that he'd be the one leaving. Sure, the possibility had to have been there in the back of his mind, but he'd always envisioned Akihito and him sleeping together, with Feilong joining them on occasion. But never the other way. Never just the two of them. It was almost as foreign as the idea of him fucking Feilong. Except that the latter was just a matter of time. He'd wear the bastard down. That ass would be his someday, and he'd hear Feilong screaming out his name.

He blinked. And adjusted his pants. Maybe he'd better see to that fantasy sooner rather than later.

But that didn't fix tonight. He sighed. Akihito looked up at him, a question in his eyes. He felt the love well up inside of him, and Akihito answered it with a small smile. He'd never hoped...

He looked at the other man and knew that was exactly what Feilong had been feeling in Hamada's office. The need and despair. And the overwhelming love. He'd heard enough of what was said before Feilong realized they were there. He closed his eyes for a moment. Just tonight. He could give them tonight. And then he was fucking Akihito for a week straight until he couldn't even move, let alone walk.

He stood up and lied. "I hate to disappoint you, but I have to work late tonight. If I could get out of it I would but an important client is in town. I won't be back until close to dawn."

He walked around the table and pulled Akihito up into his arms, kissing him deeply, trying to mark him in some way he already hadn't. When he had to stop, which was right before he wouldn't have been able to, he pulled back and searched those brown eyes for a moment. Satisfied with what he found, he picked Akihito up and set him down in Feilong's lap, then nodding at Feilong, walked out.

Once outside he got into his personal car and started to pull out of the drive, eager to get to work to distract himself. But he paused at the gates. Who was he kidding? He backed up and pulled off to the side of the circular drive. The guards looked at him funny and he flipped them off. He looked up at the window of the master bedroom, Feilong's bedroom. He would wait out here, close by. There was no sense in leaving, because his mind was with the most important part of himself, the one that was still inside.

 

**

 

Shaking his head to clear it, Akihito looked after Asami with some surprise. He scowled. "What does he think I am, a fucking bride?"

Fei laughed softly. "Now there's a picture." His arms were around Akihito's waist. He pulled Akihito against his chest and held him tightly, resting his cheek on the unruly brown hair. "Akihito, do you really want to be here?"

Akihito turned his face up to Fei's. "How can you ask that?" He lifted his lips to touch Fei's, but Fei raised his hand between them.

"Wait," he said to Akihito's confused look. "Let's go upstairs. Once I start kissing you I won't be stopping, and I don't want our first time to be on the dining room table."

Akihito blushed and rose from Fei's lap. "Okay, but I think there's a better place for it." And when Fei stood up he found himself pulled into the sitting room down the hall, towards the old couch. He looked at Akihito and smiled through tears. 

"Yes," he said, "this is perfect."

He was already so hard it felt like there was no blood anywhere in his body but one place, but he knew the dizziness he was feeling wasn't from that. He'd had sex any number of times, from tepid to truly hot experiences, and he knew the rush wasn't physical. It was pure emotion coursing through his body, a joy at joining with someone who knew him on all other levels and desired him in the same way. He'd never felt anything like it, but he knew it for love. He folded Akihito into his arms and told him so, whispering it in his ear, too shy to say it aloud, not wanting it to be released into the air for anyone else to hear, but sending it directly into Akihito to go straight to his heart. 

Akihito trembled and clutched his shirt. Fei put a finger under his chin and raised it, and unable to resist anymore, continued that kiss from the balcony that seemed like it took place years ago. He wanted to rip Akihito's clothes from his body and take him on the floor, but he had to do this gently for his love. He couldn't let anything remind him of the rapes. He kept up his whispering, letting him know he was there, the new Fei, the loving Fei. He took his own clothes off first, becoming the more vulnerable one. He let Akihito explore his body with mouth and hands. When Akihito moved as if to sink to his knees, Fei wouldn't let him. He wanted that mouth wrapped around him, wanted it desperately, but he wouldn't let Akihito kneel to him tonight. 

They both took off Akihito's clothes, Akihito flinging them about the room, Fei laughing and laying them aside. They tumbled to the couch, Fei on top. He worshiped Akihito with his lips and tongue, Akihito's hands grasping his hair as if holding the reins of a stallion's halter. He smiled against Akihito's stomach at the thought, knowing it wasn't far from the truth. He teased Akihito until his back was arching, groaning out Fei's name in pleas to continue. 

He paused over Akihito's cock, staring at his beautiful boy in the midst of passion, Akihito's voice rough with emotion as he begged for more. He lowered his mouth and gave his lover what he wished for, taking him down his throat, letting him into his body as he'd let him into his heart and soul. He kept Aki on his tongue, a Communion of sorts, not unholy though, but one of the deepest spirituality to him, coaxing him until in a cry he gave up his essence. Fei swallowed, cherishing every powerful drop, feeling more of the wounds within healing over.

He sat up and lifted Akihito onto his lap, facing him. Akihito was drained, limp. For a little while, Fei just held him and stroked him. Akihito began to come back to his senses, and he nuzzled Fei's neck. 

"Why don’t you take me?"

Fei hesitated.

"I don't want to remind you."

Akihito brought their mouths together again. Then he took Fei's right hand and guided the fingers into his mouth. Fei watched them disappear inside, and he thought of his fantasy earlier, of Akihito kneeling before him, and he groaned. Akihito pulled the wet fingers out and moved the hand behind him, his eyes asking Fei to continue. Fei slid them down until he found what he sought, and carefully slipped a finger inside. It was so warm, so tight, so soft. Akihito's mouth opened wide beneath his, welcoming his tongue as he did his fingers. They kissed and sucked, their hips moving in rhythm against one another, Fei adding first one, then two more fingers, stretching, wetting. It wasn't enough. He didn't want to hurt Akihito. He promised himself that he'd never be without lube again. He pulled back, telling Akihito he had to get some. 

Akihito's response was to lean back and raise his hips over Fei's cock, and beg him to enter. Fei felt the stretched moist opening on the head of his cock, and could no longer stop. He slowly pushed up into Akihito. He felt like he was being sucked inside, not just welcomed, but embraced and pulled in. He moaned and trembled at the sensation. Akihito sank all the way down, and when they were completely joined, he sat forward, Fei helping, and pressed his forehead against Fei's. 

Their eyes met, their spirits joining as their bodies had. Akihito's eyes held complete trust. His own overflowed with emotion and tears. Akihito's eyes softened even more, and he leaned forward and kissed the tears away. Then keeping their eyes on each other's, they began slowly moving. Akihito's arms were over his shoulders, around his neck. His own were around Akihito's hips and waist, supporting him, helping him move. 

They moved, each with more thought to the other's pleasure than his own. They tried to go slowly, but the desire was fierce, and they couldn't keep that pace up for long. They soon moved frantically together, and Fei read Akihito's need in his eyes. He took his cock in his hand, stroking it in time with their thrusting. Akihito's head tipped back, still trying to keep his eyes on Fei's, but his lids slipped shut in passion. His lips opened though, and Fei heard his name escape. He'd never heard it sound so perfect, and then Akihito opened his eyes and looked at him, and saying his name again, came. Fei shook with the power of it, and fell into oblivion with him, Akihito's name on his lips, as Akihito himself was now imprinted on his soul. 

They fell asleep, entwined on the couch.

 

**

When they awoke, they picked up their clothes and moved up to the bedroom. Akihito hadn't really been in there much, and he moved around looking at things, touching them, even though it was dark. Fei lay on the bed on his side, watching him. Akihito moved to the window and looked out at the night. Fei got up, then stood behind him and held him, the way he had on the balcony. But that night had been the end, and this was the beginning. He laughed.

Akihito looked up, a question in his eyes. 

"I was remembering the night on the balcony. I like this ending to our kiss better."

Akihito blushed. He turned his gaze back out the window. His eyes sharpened. "Fei, isn't that Ryu's car? What's it doing here?"

Fei glanced out. "He probably got someone to drive him. Maybe he felt the need to drink." But Fei's eyes, assassin trained, saw the figure in the car. He hesitated, but then thought of the generosity of the man who had allowed him this. "Call him, Akihito. Call him and watch the front seat of the car."

Akihito's eyes flooded with understanding and emotion. He began to reach for the phone but then hesitated, looking at Fei closely. "Is that what you really want?" 

Fei shrugged. "It's what must be."

Satisfied, Akihito picked up the phone and called. He saw a glow in the front seat of the car as the call was answered. Ryu had been outside all this time, alone, near, waiting. Every time he thought he couldn't love him more....

_"Asami here."_

"Ryu, when will you be home tonight?"

_"Why? Is he mistreating you?"_

"No, I just miss you. I want you here. He wants you to come home too. What you did was really wonderful, letting us have some time alone together, but for this to work we need to all be together. Can you get away from work?"

_".....Yes. I'll be home shortly.... Akihito, I love you."_

"I know. I love you, more every day. We'll be waiting, upstairs."

He hung up.

Fei looked at him curiously. "You're not going to tell him you know where he spent the last few hours? It only shows how much he cares about you."

Akihito shook his head. "Please don't say anything. He's a very proud man. Let him have that deception."

"You're a good person." Fei kissed him. "How long do you think he'll stay in the car? Long enough for a shower....?" 

 

**

 

A couple hours earlier, outside in the car, Asami had sat waiting. He'd placed calls to his businesses, calls to his men, then tossed the phone aside when he realized he'd been micromanaging in his need for distraction. Nothing makes employees sloppier. 

It had only been a half hour since he parked there. He needed to find some way to relax. He tilted the seat back and turned on the radio, finding a classical station. It was playing the Eroica, which seemed to fit his mood perfectly. He settled back and let his thoughts drift, trying to keep them out of the bedroom upstairs. One week ago he would have thought himself insane for being in this situation. And yet here he was.

He thought about Feilong. That whole thing with him was unbelievable. That fucking Tou. He hadn't liked him from the minute they'd met, the man using Asami's first name as a power play, and Asami having to take it because his boss at the time required Tou's cooperation. What Feilong didn't know was that that trip crystallized his desire to dispose of his boss, and shooting Tou had been the first step Asami had taken in his final climb to the top. And it started out of anger and outrage at what had been done to the boy. Meeting Feilong had changed his future almost as much as it had changed Feilong's.

But he didn't need to tell Feilong that. Or Akihito, who would probably spill it the first chance he got. 

He smiled. He wondered if it would last, this feeling. If, ten years from now, he'd still get that knot in his chest when those smiling eyes looked at him. He hoped it would never stop. It didn't matter if it did. He'd never let Akihito leave. 

He considered how to make this clear to him. There was one way. He would visit the jeweler tomorrow. He'd even buy one for Feilong. Maybe have it made out of brass or something else cheap though instead of gold, like theirs would be. He laughed at his pettiness. But he couldn't feel too generous about a man who was where he most wanted to be, while he sat out here by himself, in the car, in the dark.

Another change for him. Until very recently, he'd loved solitude. Now he craved company. The company of only one, granted, but this was a major attitude adjustment for him. Becoming a social creature wasn't easy. And once you were one, it sucked when you had to be the one outside looking in. He'd been there as a child, and he hadn't liked it. He didn't like it now. But it was only for tonight. Akihito would still be his when he got home.

He felt some doubt creep in. Feilong wouldn't be able to change that, would he? Was Feilong even now stealing what was his? He pushed down the impulse to storm in there. He knew that would upset Akihito. He was doing this for Akihito. He would let it go. He glanced at the clock. Only a few more hours. He could bear this just a few more hours. 

He remembered lying in their bed that morning after lovemaking, Akihito collapsed on top of him, how very fragile he'd seemed. Yet Asami knew there was a well of strength inside him, deep enough that Asami had admired it since they'd met. He also knew the extent of his loyalty. He relaxed. Akihito would be there in the morning for him. He believed this. He had to. He fell asleep.

 

His cell phone woke him up. The clock showed him only a couple hours had passed. It was from the house. It was Akihito. Asking him to come home. He closed his eyes, elation filling him at the words. He told himself to remember this. To remember to trust Akihito. To trust their love. He told Akihito he loved him, and that he'd be there shortly. He didn't think he'd tell them he'd waited outside. It seemed pretty pitiful. The guards wouldn't let it spill if they knew what was good for them. He waited a little while longer and made his way inside.

He walked up the stairs and heard the shower going, laughter coming from inside. He smiled and took off his jacket, then stepped into the bathroom. He leaned against the door and crossed his arms. The two were playing on the floor with soap suds all over them. Naughty boys. His. Both of them. He pulled his tie off and walked towards them, running his eyes over their perfect bodies, hungry for them.

"You two look like you've been very naughty. I think some discipline might be in order."

He could see their cocks twitching at the words, their eyes transfixed by his movements. 

_This might work out after all._

_Yes_ , he thought, _both of their rings would be gold tomorrow._

He let one end of the silk tie trail across Akihito's skin, then across Fei's, watching them shiver, watching them wonder who he would choose. Both his. He smiled wickedly.

He knelt down between them, and together they rose up to welcome him.

_I'm home..._


	17. Epilogue: In the Shower

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally a separate short that someone talked me into writing, but it falls directly at the end of the epilogue so for a long time I've thought of it as part of the main story. Thanks for making it this far!
> 
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fei watched Asami pad across the floor of the bathroom toward them. His feet were bare, long, elegant and white. Fei had never found a man's foot to be erotic before, but he found himself wanting to suck on those slim toes.

Asami stopped between the two of them, running his eyes and his silk tie lightly over their bodies. Fei's cock jumped at the touch. But his mind was anything but aroused by the idea of Asami tying him up. He didn't trust the man enough at this point to allow it. Asami stared at him a moment and, with eyes showing amusement, seemed to accept it. 

_For now_ , Fei read in that gaze. 

_Until I wish it_ , he shot back.

Asami knelt and they both moved toward him, craving different things. Akihito's eyes shone with love. Fei knew what lit his own eyes. Asami's arms went around them both and easily lifted them to his sides. Gods he was strong. Fei was overcome with a wave of lust. He'd already come twice in the past three hours, the last time just minutes before and he was hard again. 

Asami's shirt was soaked through from the steam in the room, every muscle defined. The wet shirt chafed at Fei's skin, arousing rather than irritating. Asami's head suddenly turned to him as if he had some kind of lust sensor, the corner of his mouth lifting as his eyes swept down over Fei's body. He lowered his head to within a finger's width of Fei's mouth. 

"What is it you're thinking about, Feilong?" His hand skimmed down Fei's flank, and Fei, shivering, tried to close the distance between their lips. 

But Asami pulled back. "Not yet. First things first." He draped the tie over Fei's shoulder. "Why don't you tie Akihito to the tap?"

Fei looked at the blue silk on his right shoulder, then at Akihito. Binding Akihito's wrists was the last thing he wanted to do, this evening or any. Unless Akihito wanted it. His body stiffened, getting ready for a fight.

"It's alright, Fei." Akihito's voice was calm, though slightly rough with arousal. "I enjoy it."

"Are you sure?" Fei's eyes were fastened on Asami's arrogantly amused ones.

"Yes."

Fei turned to look at his face and found Akihito stretched out on the floor, wrists raised in a submissive pose.

"Please, Fei."

Akihito's pleading voice and his body, flushed and slick from the steam of the bath, were too much to resist. Fei crawled to him across the hard tiles. He picked up Akihito's wrists, and felt the blood pounding hard and fast within them. He circled them twice with the wet silk, not too tightly, and then tied them to the tap. Akihito wiggled a little, testing the binding, sending blood straight to Fei's groin. Fei bent his head and teased him with a light brushing kiss. Akihito's body arched upward, straining at his bonds. 

Fei turned his head to glance down the slim body, only to see Asami between Akihito's legs, licking lazily at his stomach. Asami's tongue moved slowly, lapping sweat like a cat's, his eyes fixed on the two of them. They watched, mesmerized, as the tongue moved lower, licking in broad strokes across the well-defined muscles, following their V-line down to where Akihito's erection jutted from his body.

Asami paused and blew lightly across the tip. Akihito lifted his hips, encouraging more.

"Tell me what you want, Akihito." 

Fei could tell Akihito had played this game enough to know what Asami wanted to hear. He watched his lover's face as he struggled between his stubbornness and his absolute need for Asami. His stubbornness won and he remained silent, glaring at the man still lazily licking the skin around the base of his cock.

"Fei..." Akihito moaned pleadingly. Fei almost gave in, but he didn't want to interrupt the game that was going on. If Akihito liked being tied, it stood to reason that he was turned on by the frustration of being at someone's mercy. "Sorry, love. You got yourself into this one." Fei moved back, intending to watch, but Asami had other plans.

Asami sat back on his heels and ran a fingertip down the inside of Akihito's thigh, watching the muscles jump. "Akihito doesn't seem to be in the mood to play, Feilong. Why don't we entertain ourselves until he is?" He stood up and held his hand out to Fei. 

Fei tilted his head back and looked up at the man, reading lust and no little amusement on his face. He understood what Asami wanted instantly and felt laughter rise in him in response. Laugher and desire. He ignored the proffered hand and, watching Akihito glare his frustration, slithered his way up those long legs, twisting and rubbing his body on them all the way up. 

When he got to the top, he found Asami watching him with a raised eyebrow, amused as usual. "You've been practicing."

Fei loved to flirt, and he loved even more that it was Asami who started it. He slipped his arms around Asami's neck and raised an eyebrow of his own. "I've even gotten Special Achievement Awards from a few lovers."

Asami's lips twitched. "My standards are high."

"Mmm." He ground their hips together. "I can make them go higher."

A laugh escaped at that. "Do you want to play a game?"

"I adore games. What did you have in mind?" 

"Let's play master and servant. Guess which one I am?" 

Fei laughed. 

Asami continued, "I've never had a Chinese valet before. Particularly a beautiful wet naked one. Undress me."

Fei brushed his hair back coquettishly and batted his eyes. "So you think I'm beautiful, Asami-sama?"

Asami's eyes darkened as his hand slipped up Fei's back to his neck, pulling him forward so his lips brushed Fei's in an imitation of the kiss he'd given Akihito. He licked at the seam of Fei's lips, urging them to open. Fei obliged, and their tongues danced, two masters of different styles, one more about power, the other more about technique, both experts at seduction. So very different from the last time they'd kissed. Both pulled back a little and froze, remembering. 

Fei's smile became hesitant then slipped away.

"That night. Did you not want me?" he asked softly.

"I wanted you," came the quiet reply.

"Then why?" Fei read the frustration at the timing of his questions, but he needed to know. 

Asami sighed. "Because you needed to be free of any entanglements to make your own way."

"And sex would have complicated things?"

The quiet lasted a little longer this time. "Not sex. No."

Fei's eyes widened and he drew in a sharp breath.

"Not me Feilong, you. Back then, I was no different than I was a month ago. I couldn't love anyone, or at least admit it. But you were falling in love with me. I could have stayed and used that, but I didn't. If I had, you would never have learned to stand on your own. You were just learning to break free of everyone's hold. I couldn't put you back in that cage."

Asami reached up and lightly touched the scar on Fei's chest with his fingertips. "It probably hurt you more in the long run, looking back at it now, but then it seemed the right thing to do. I've been thinking about that, you know. Of all the chances I've had to be kind in my life, why did I pick that one to act on?"

Asami's eyes remained on the scar. Fei waited but the answer wasn't forthcoming. "Well, why did you?"

Asami focused on him and stared a moment, something unreadable in his eyes. Then he shrugged. "I don't know. Does it really matter now? I wanted you then but wasn't free to act. Now I am."

Asami leaned forward and touched his lips to the puckered skin on Fei's shoulder. Fei gasped at the touch and tears started in his eyes, not because of pain, but because he felt freedom from it. Asami lifted his head and brought their lips together in another light kiss that quickly turned deeper. Eight years of pent up desire rushed to the surface, and this time there were no barriers between them and what they wanted. They were both strong independent men, equals, free to act as they chose. Tonight they were choosing each other.

He rubbed his nude body against Asami's clothed one. "Your valet isn't doing a very good job, is he?" He reached for the buttons on Asami's shirt but Asami stilled his hands. "Do it from behind me, for Akihito."

Fei glanced at Akihito, who was clearly aroused from the sight of the two of them kissing, and was slightly ashamed that he'd momentarily forgotten him. He stepped behind Asami, trailing his hands along the lean body as he went. His fingers lightly traced the muscles through the wet shirt, then they slipped back around to the front to toy with Asami's nipples. Asami's body pressed back slightly into Fei's embrace at the touch. Fei reveled in the feel of him. Asami was hard all over. 

The cotton was rough under Fei's fingertips. He wanted what was underneath. His hands found the top button of the dress shirt and began working their way down, unbuttoning, spreading the shirt open as he went, fingers playing across the chest. His hands darted under the wet material, dragging his long nails lightly across the smooth skin. His cheek lay on Asami's shoulder, his chest against his back, a searing heat between them. There was steam all around and he swore some was rising wherever they came in contact.

He watched as Akihito's darkened eyes fastened on the two of them, his breaths faster now, his flushed body straining for a touch that wasn't there. He could feel Asami's heartbeat pounding against his skin, speeding up at every touch. Asami's body was tense and Fei could feel him fighting for control.

He'd reached the last button on the shirt but he kept going down, to the button on the waist of the dress pants. Asami's erection was pushing at it. He was huge. Fei felt his own cock throb in response when his fingers traced the head of Asami's through the thin wool. He smoothly pulled the zipper down and slid his hand inside. It was like reaching into a furnace. His hand wrapped around the hardened flesh and felt scorched.

Fei had never let anyone take him, but he wanted to feel this heat inside him. He groaned against the back of Asami's neck, and squeezed the cock. He turned his lips to the ear by his cheek and spoke in a low urgent whisper. "Put this inside me, Asami. Fuck me with this."

Asami turned his head to the side and looked at him out the corner of his eye. Still tense, but maintaining complete control. "You want me to take you? Do you understand what you're asking?" 

Fei understood what was behind the words. Not choice. Not anymore. His plea had been his agreement to all that was to come. And he ached for what Asami was promising. But he wanted Asami to understand a few things too.

"Let's see if I have the general idea right." He walked around to face the man and stepped in, close. His nose lightly rubbed at Asami's neck, just under his jaw line. He suddenly bit and sucked, hard. Asami gasped, and his hands grabbed Fei's head pulling him closer. Fei ground his cock against Asami's as he sucked at the skin on his throat, raising a welt. He pulled back and examined the bruise he'd left, satisfied with the mark. 

He raised his eyes to Asami's and smirked. "Ownership goes both ways."

Asami's response was low and wicked laughter.

Still keeping their eyes locked, Fei sank to his knees, letting his skimming fingers lead the way for his tongue. As his hands played with the fastenings on the trousers, he rubbed his cheek against the still hidden erection. He pushed the clothes down slightly, letting the heavy cock fall forward and brush his lips. The scent made his mouth water. The soft skin against his mouth was too much. He opened his lips and took the head in, swirling his tongue around the tip, lapping at the flavor of Asami. 

Asami's eyelids fell a little and his breath hissed as he sucked it through his teeth.

As Fei moistened more skin with his tongue, he took it deeper, slicking up a little more, letting it slide further back, stretching his jaw to the limit. The cock was tickling the back of his throat and it still wasn't all the way in. He groaned. He loved giving head as much as he loved fucking, and Asami's cock was the perfect fantasy come to life, just thick and long enough that he almost came from having it in his mouth.

Asami's fingers threaded through his hair, urging him to take it deeper. He relaxed his throat and pushed the rest of the way forward, Asami thrusting into him at the same time. His fingers clutched at Asami's hips, jerking the pants down further to get at skin. His lips finally reached the prickly trimmed hair at the base of the cock, then he pulled back slightly, and thrust forward, started a fucking motion that he let Asami take control of.

And Asami did take control, not forcefully, but firmly, one hand behind Fei's neck, the other under his chin. His thrusts were smooth but insistent. It was obvious that he wasn't going to let Fei turn from what he'd started. Fei found that wildly arousing, to be able to turn all sexual control over to another man. He didn't trust Asami on several levels, but somehow he knew that tonight some promises were being made and would be kept.

But as fun as giving control away was, Fei wanted to keep some tonight, at least until both men lost it. Just as Asami's thrusts were quickening, he lowered his hands from where they'd been at Asami's hips and began stroking his own cock in time with Asami's thrusts. Asami pulled back suddenly and stared down at him. "No. You'll only come by my hand tonight."

"Mmm?" Fei sat back on the floor, leaning on one arm between Akihito's still spread legs. He spread his own and caressed himself. He looked up at Asami from under long lashes. "If you'd like. But don't I get to play a little first? Don't you want to watch me play, Asami?" 

He turned himself over on all fours, and bending his head to nip at Akihito's smooth thighs, teasingly arched his back, thrusting his hips, still running his hand over his cock. He heard a growl from behind. He kept up the action, hiding his smile, knowing it was just a matter of minutes before he got what he wanted.

He looked up and met Akihito's eyes and saw laughter and desire in them, and began licking up the inside of his thigh toward the prize at the top, red, throbbing. Laughter faded and was replaced by need on Akihito's face. His tongue inched up Akihito's leg. He was so close to what he wanted to taste.

Hands gripped his hips and pulled him backwards, reminding him that he was supposed to be moving at someone else's direction. Teeth nipped at his ass and he yelped. That earned him a chuckle from both his lovers. A tongue soothed the bite, then moved down the line of his ass. Hands spread him wide and the tongue tip probed his opening. He tensed, wanting it but nervous.

He forced himself to relax, and was rewarded by the tongue slipping inside, a tickling, wriggling thing. He moaned at the sensation and opened himself up for more, once again giving himself over into Asami's hands. The tongue was soon replaced by a finger and he winced.

"Ryu." Akihito spoke sharply. "There's some lube on the counter."

Asami stilled and Fei glanced between the two men. They stared at each other, one demanding complete capitulation, the other demanding only this one thing. Asami blew out a puff of air, then reached for the counter. Fei heard a lid snap, then a cool slick finger worked its way inside him. This time there was no pain. The tube sailed over his head and landed on Akihito's stomach with a thump. 

Akihito's lips twitched. "I love you too, Ryu."

"Hmmpf." Fei heard from behind him. His amusement was soon washed away by the sensation of being stretched and probed by another finger, this one massaging him deep inside. He pushed back, wanting more. It was good. 

His black hair pooled on the cool wet tiles, some of it landing on Akihito when he tossed his head. Akihito was moaning at the sensation of it dragging across his skin. The two of them writhed in rhythm, both of them striving for more sensation, neither getting it.

He heard low laughter coming from Asami. Satisfied laughter. Far too pleased with himself laughter. But he didn't care. He'd get even another time. For now he wanted everything Asami had to offer. He turned his head to look back over his shoulder and shot his best smoldering glance that way. 

Asami's eyes narrowed and he moved forward. He pulled his fingers out and rubbed the slick hand on himself, and pushed the head of his cock up against the loosened ring of muscle. Asami's eyes held his, forbidding him to look away. 

Asami slowly pressed forward. Fei bit his lip, and started breathing too quickly. Asami paused and watched him, waiting. His breaths slowed, and Asami pushed forward again, pausing when needed. Finally he pushed one last time and Fei felt their hips touch. He fell to his elbows, forehead resting on his arms. It was almost too much. Not painful but extremely uncomfortable because of Asami's size. He trembled, and tears sprang up in his eyes, but he kept his face hidden so neither man would see.

He felt Asami bend over his body, covering him like a cloak, one arm going underneath to hold their bodies together. Asami's lips were on the back of his neck, nipping, soothing, tracing their way down to his ear. He spoke in a low voice, so only Fei could hear. "Do you feel me, so deep inside you? So deep inside you'll never be rid of me. You're mine now, Feilong. I'll never let you go, even if you weep and beg." 

He should have been mad. He should have been offended. But he was not. He felt a thrill deep within that he was desired so, by one he had wanted to desire him for so long. And he felt joy because Asami's words meant forever. They would live like this forever. But he wasn't about to become anyone's subordinate. His eyes cleared and his trembling stopped. 

"Good boy," Asami murmured.

His cock jumped at the words. Excited. His eyes narrowed. Irritated. He was going to make Asami pay. He moved his hips a little, invitingly. He squeezed his stretched muscles rhythmically around Asami's shaft, just to remind him that this was no weepy inexperienced male under him. He may have never bottomed, but he knew what to do. He heard a groan in his ear at the motion, and this time the soft laughter was his.

"So far you're all talk, Asami. Do you think you might get around to fucking me tonight?" 

He heard a low growl in his ear, and Asami's hips pulled back and slammed into his. He gasped. Not from pain, but at the sensation of being filled to the limit then emptied, over and over again. And the feeling of being joined intimately to the man behind him. Both were equally arousing.

He met Asami's hips, driving backwards onto him. Asami was strong, but Fei's sweat slick skin couldn't be grasped and Asami couldn't hold him still. Fei was fucking as much as being fucked. Both men had started with some control. Both were losing it. 

Asami's face pressed into Fei's hair. Asami's breath was hot and loud against his neck. Soon it was all he heard, that and the pounding of blood through his head. The two sounds seemed to echo across the tiled walls.

Then he heard Asami's voice. Still maintaining enough control to remember his game, though the harsh voice revealed a struggle behind the words. "Do you want to play yet, Akihito? Tell us what you want."

Akihito's stubbornness had given way long before. "It's about time you remembered I was here! I want to come dammit! Please, Ryu."

"Feilong." Asami gasped the name as Fei pushed back against him. "Help him finish."

Fei shook his head to clear the soaked hair from his face. He'd been driven up against Akihito's body by Asami's strong thrusts. He looked up to see Akihito struggling against his bonds. 

"Fei... Please."

This time he gave into the pleas. He licked the streaming precum off the tip of Akihito's cock, watching with pleasure as Akihito's cheeks flushed more and his head fell back. He opened his mouth wide and took Akihito down in one swallow. Akihito's hips bucked up against Fei's chin helplessly, and Asami's thrusts pushed Akihito even deeper down his throat. A rhythm began between the three, both of them fucking Fei, filling him completely.

Fei tried to cling onto some semblance of self-control. He stroked his tongue along Akihito as he moved within his mouth, sucking and licking at spots he already knew to be sensitive. He kept shoving his body back against Asami's relentless thrusts, trying to take him deeper, trying to rub his cock against something, anything. 

Asami finally gave way and wrapped his broad hand around Fei's slick cock, squeezing and pulling in rhythm with his strokes inside. The pressure within him built to an intense peak and hung there, Asami slowing so the pleasure just stretched on, not letting him reach the point he needed to. He moaned helplessly, and he heard Akihito call out his name as the cock in his mouth jumped and exploded, cum flooding his throat as he swallowed, desperate to take it all down. 

He felt Asami's hand turning his face, his mouth licking Akihito from his lips. Asami's other hand was stroking roughly as his tongue plunged into Fei's mouth. The sensations became overwhelming. The mingled tastes, the darting tongue, the pressure inside, the skin on skin. He had no control over himself. He'd lost it all to Asami. He looked helplessly into Asami's face, but it was as sweat-slicked and wild-eyed as his own must be.

"Please."

"Yes. Now," came the rough reply.

The hand around his cock jerked swiftly and he was lost, flooded with pleasure as his body finally released. Strong arms wrapped about him as he convulsed helplessly, and a hot seed filled him. All his strength gone, his body jerked one last time then relaxed into a peace he'd never reached before. He was completely vulnerable, yet unafraid.

He was gently laid on the floor. Warmth remained at his back a moment, then Asami pulled out of him. He felt bereft. He heard the shower turn on and felt hands begin to clean him. Two pair. He cracked his eyes open and saw the reddened wrists above one pair washing his chest and shoulders. He closed his eyes again and drifted in and out of sleep.

Akihito's lips moved on his in a tender kiss. "Are you okay, Fei?"

"Mmmm."

He heard chuckles from both men. He didn't care. He felt too good. He'd kill them later. The shower was turned off and they toweled him dry, then Asami picked him up and carried him into the bedroom and tossed him onto the mattress. He felt another body land next to his. Akihito. They curled into one another for warmth. 

He felt a gaze upon him, and he forced his eyes open one last time to see Asami standing at the foot of the bed watching them, a strange expression on his face. The bed creaked as Asami lay down next to Akihito, one arm gathering him close. The other arm stretched across to Fei and hovered a moment, then the hand fell to his hair and fingers sank into the soft mass. The fingers stroked for a moment, then wrapped themselves tightly in the silk strands. Fei wouldn't be going anywhere with that hand tangled in his hair. Not that he'd planned to. As he slid into sleep he smiled, content.

 

~end~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~~~~~~~~~~~
> 
> Thanks for reading all of this! As I mentioned elsewhere, I have a lot of shorts to post that continue the story of how they live together. They'll be posted as part of the Therapy series but not as chapters in this main part. I'll probably do them interspersed with some of the other fics I still have sitting around so I can get as many moved over here as possible. I really appreciate everyone's support in this. 


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